Wednesday, July 28, 2010

#223 - You, Me, & T.P.

TP: The only item you need to take care of all the needs that are taken care of by other items. First, there’s the all-powerful, ever-necessary, toilet paper. Then, the paper towel, napkin, and tissue. The paper towel, napkin and tissue are luxury items, while the TP is the necessity item. No one should be embarrassed to use TP for all 4 purposes. Allow LaFevre to add a backup emergency item to your arsenal – sanitary wipes. They eliminate the need to use a spray. But on that unfortunate occasion when you run out of TP, and go to the closet, only to discover nothing there, and it’s in the middle of the night, when the corner store is closed, whip out a few sanitary wipes, and lay out to dry (wiping with a wet wipe is simply unacceptable). After the wipe, you’ve not only disinfected, but added a pleasant aroma, which is a good thing, in certain situations. After all, the root of “cologne”, is “colon”.

#222 - Just, Give...It...Up

Overheard during a casual conversation at a social gathering:

Unknown: “Oh, so you think you know it all, you think you’re all that.”
LaFevre: “...and a bag of chips.”
Unknown: “Now you think your funny, too.”
LaFevre: “I don’t think; I only know.”
Uknown: “Well, excuuuuse me.”
LaFevre: “There’s no excuse for you. Only pity.”
Unknown: (Mr. T. voice) “I pity the fool!”
LaFevre: (Obi-Dan voice) “Who’s the more foolish, the fool, or the one who follows him.”
Uknown: “I give up.”
LaFevre: “Better to give up than to give in. “Giving up” is merely a realization that there’s no hope, and bowing out gracefully. Giving in, is accepting defeat without any grace whatsoever. Have a drink, on me.”

Monday, July 19, 2010

#221 - Sidewalkers & Weavels

New additions to the LaFevre Dictionary of Contemporary Terms, along with sub-terms, as it relates to “sidewalkers”.

LaFevre has new terms for those who are problem walkers who are a nuisance on the sidewalks. Two were already exposed in fevism #122 “You’re Trippin’ “, ones who drag there feet, called “stumbleweeds”, and the condition that causes it, “slackfoot”.

One is “weavel”. A “weavel” is one who wanders while walking, drifting from the left to right, and back. “Weavels” make it difficult to pass, because when you move to one side to pass, they drift into your path. After 3 attempts, one can’t help out but scream, “Hey, one side or the other, pal.

The other is “sidewalker”. A “sidewalker” is just someone who walks on the on the sidewalk, that’s a pedestrian. Noooo. “Sidewalkers” are those who travel in groups, or what LaFevre likes to call, “packs”. Why? Because for some reason, they all have to walk side-by-side. Two-wide is fine. But three- or four-wide? C’Mon. Do you really half to take up the whole sidewalk, so anyone coming from the other direction, has to move all the way to the side, and sometimes on the outside of a pole or tree? No respect. These are “side-walkers”.

Solution: do what LaFevre does (of course it helps if you’re big, look bad, and also pretend like you aren’t paying attention): walk down the middle. You can see “sidewalker packs” from a distance. Find a line, and stick with it. 9 times out of 10, the pack will part. If not, bump them. If they speak? Turn around, act psycho and drop the bomb: “Do you really need the whole f/n sidewalk?”

This was worth a whole page.

LaFever retorts...

LaFevre's favorite things to do at Walmart:

Filling shopping carts and leaving them in the aisles
When someone walks away from their cart, add stuff to it.
Set up a full-scale battlefield with all the little army men.
Ride a display bicycle through the store, saying it's a test drive.
Take a nap in the display patio furniture.

#220 - Pause For The Cause

Each day, LaFevre prepares for that night’s entertainment, along with a double-wide of fine wine. But on those days where the next begins a vacation, he prepares with two. Why? To start of the vacation right. As in...right after he wakes the next day. When else?!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

#219 - LeStreak

What is it about streaks being invoked by the media. We’re talking sports streaks here. LaFevre believes there needs to be a rule book for streaks.

#1 – There no streaks in football. Why? Games are played once a week. It’s just not fair.

#2 – The streak should be tiered. Dynasty teams, such as the Yanks, Sox, Mets, Dodgers, Giants, etc, win more than they lose, so in all fairness, consecutive wins over 10 become streaks, as do the top 3 teams in each division in the current year. Conversely, the bottom 3 in each division in the current year, who are losing more than they are winning, get the streak starting at 5 in a row.

#3 – Effective immediately, all streaks across the field shall be done by women, not men. Sorry ladies.

Friday, July 16, 2010

#218 - Art Of The Spoken Word

It’s all in the delivery. Of course, it helps if you’re bigger than everyone else. so, with that in mind...

Wherever you are (work, party, social gatherings), and want to deliver a criticism, or even an insult, without having to suffer repercussions for doing so, LaFevre has the solution. Whatever it is you have to say, start out with “Well, from what I hear” or “From what I’ve been told”, then deliver the blow, as if you’re the messenger. The closing line should cover your ass. Raise your hands and shrug your shoulders as if you “don’t know”, and repeat after LaFevre: “I’m just sayin...”! That line will should render you neutral, if you deliver it correctly. Hopefully.

Friday, July 9, 2010

#217 - All In Your Head

Unless you actually possess the power of ESP (extra sensory perception), as in, reading others’ thoughts, it’s all in your head. But a few of us do possess certain skills, on a much higher, acute level, such as: attention-to-detail, common sense, deductive, intuitive, logical, and observational abilities. These skills tend to lead others to believe you have the ability to read minds. It certainly would appear so, on the surface.Prime prerequisites for the field of criminology and law enforcement. LaFevre is the first to admit, it feels good. But to put others’ minds at ease, he immediately gives up the goods as to how he came to know. LaFevre’s quote for the record:

"The flaw in reading minds, is the potential to misread at times,
and also run the risk of a mind changing during in the process,
but not as risky as the person denying you were right all along."

#216 - The Unthinkable

“I think; therefore, I am.” – Rene Descartes

From your teens through your 20’s, your only concern is what people think of you. In your 30’s, you want to know, but only out of curiosity. After 40, it no longer matters what anyone else thinks, when it comes to you. As Popeye once said, “I am what I am, and that’s all that I am.”