Friday, November 26, 2010

#240 - It Takes One To Know One

“Only someone with heart, a good heart, can see and recognize, the same in someone else.” - Dan LaFevre
Thanks, C.V., mi carnale y compadre.

Monday, November 22, 2010

#239 - Air Guitarded

This is what you are if you get caught at the airport, setting off buzzers. Fret not, for if you have to be scanned, or patted down, and an agent asks, “What is that?”, just tell them, “Oh, that’s my air guitar. I carry it everywhere I go. It’s only dangerous if you don’t know how to play it.”

Friday, November 19, 2010

#238 - Tipping The Scales

LaFevre’s first job was as a busboy in a pizzeria restaurant. He got tips at the end of the night, from the wait-staff. The amount depended on what they got. Seemed fair. At the time. The quicker the tables turned over, the quicker the tables were cleaned and prepared, the more tips garnered. It just occurred to LaFevre that no matter how hard he worked, he would only get a percentage of what the staff got. If the staff had an off night, LaFevre’s hard work didn’t matter. He only got a percentage.

Fast forward to today. Lafevre just realized, along with also realizing sometimes it takes a long time to realize things, the scam that is the tipping process for services rendered. Biggest example: restaurants. The host handles reservations and seating, and everyone who comes in the front door. A definitive diplomatic position, except that tips aren’t given for services rendered, after the fact. Tips are given for extra assistance, in advance.

But the worst part is this: we tip the wait staff, but never the chefs/cooks. Why is that?! The waitstaff merely give you the menus after you sit down. Sometimes, they come by too soon, sometimes too long after. High-end restaurants have waitstaff run down the list of specials for you, as an added service. How often do you order the special, especially after you’ve already seen the menu and picked something off that? That’s the first point of the self-inflated value the waitstaff exhibit and impose on you.

Second, they take your order and give it to the kitchen. The kitchen cooks your food, not the waitstaff. When the kitchen is done, the waitstaff deliver it. That’s all. Waiters are nothing more than messengers. And get this: if the food arrives cold, what happens? The waitstaff take it back to the kitchen, where the kitchen gets pissed off because the waitstaff took too long to pick it up and deliver it; yet the waitstaff will leave you with the impression it was the kitchen’s fault.

And the waitstaff have the nerve to EXPECT 20%? It’s why Lafever orders to go, or have it delivered, if he doesn’t already cook at home, where he has full control over the entire process and ingredients involved.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

#237 - On The Side

There is a reason they call it a sidewalk. There is a reason why it is raised 6 inches higher than the street. It does not mean side-sit. It does not mean side-lie. And it certainly doesn’t mean side-ride. Sidewalk means side-walk. Walking on the side. The side of the road. The road, where those who use wheels travel. That means cars, AND bicycles.

“Wheels belong on the street; the sidewalk is for feet!”

Friday, October 29, 2010

#236 - Obi-Claw Kanobi

I am the Jedi master of air guitar.
He is the Jedi master of air guitar.
You don't need to see my identification.
We don't need to see his identification.
I can go about my air guitar.
He can go about his air guitar.

Tiger Claw says...

I can't believe I did what I did for a Klondike Bar..

#235 - I Know You Are, and So Am I

I may be schizophrenic, but so am I. I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other. I may be schizophrenic, but that’s because I’m beside myself. I may be schizophrenic, but we’re cool with that. I’m not schizophrenic, I’m a Gemini. Schizophrenics have one personality, split in two. Gemini’s have two whole personalities. The thing to remember is, dealing with both types yields the same results. Coming, AND going.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

#234 - Meds Vs. Meds

Huh? What’s the diff? LaFevre knows the diff. Medicine vs. medication. LaFevre believes ‘medication’ is the official term. Somewhere along the way, ‘medicine’ was adopted as slang for medication. So now, medical personnel call it medication, while those of us who take it, refer to it as ‘medicine’. That’s all and good, but LaFevre chooses to differentiate between the two, and change the meaning of one, but not the other.

LaFevre thinks it would be easy to separate in one aspect, that being in how it is dispensed. Prescriptions would be medication, based on their potency alone, while OTC (over-the-counter) would be merely medicine.

But LaFevre has a better distinction. Anything issued by prescription, or purchased over-the-counter, for the purpose of healing, whether internal or external, is considered ‘medication’.

Anything that makes you feel better, physically, or mentally, is considered ‘medicine’. Examples:

If you’ve had a hard day at work, and need to unwind, you stop by the local tavern for a pint. That’s medicine. If you’ve been away for a week on business, while your mate is at home, and hit the bedroom before unpacking, that’s medicine. LaFevre knows you know what he’s talking about.

#233 - Accidents Will Happen

LaFevre was recently conspiring on how to get someone access, by using tricks, via a loophole. Bottom line: conspiring. Made to look like an accident. Then he got to thinking.

Accidents happen all the time. But are they really accidents. Who knows really what percentage of accidents are really ‘accidents’. Or what percentage are really something else, based on different reasons or occurrences; or not an accident at all, but merely disguised as an accident. LaFevre sees 4 general scenarios, with others, simply a variation of the 4.

¼ of accidents are truly accidents, unpreventable, and unforseeable.
¼ of accidents are the result of someone not paying attention.
¼ of accidents are the result of someone looking the other way.
¼ of accidents are conspiracies disguised as accidents.

#232 - Cause & Effect

I was just returning from the corner store, looking into the lobby of the building next to mine. Horrendous. All the junk mail, most notably, the advertisements for supermarkets, all bundled together. Safeway, Cala, Foods, Inc., Lucky's. Pathetic. So all the tenants don't feel they need to throw their own trash away, they have to leave it on the floor by the mailboxes. Did I say pathetic? I think I did.

I had that problem for years in my building. I've been there for 15 years. I said to myself, "No. I'm holding everyone responsible." Every time someone left their shit on the counter in the lobby, I picked it up. did I throw it away? No. That would be too easy, and lets them off the hook. what they all don't realize is, all the flyers/ads had their apartment numbers on it.

So I started leaving all their shit by their door. Slowly, over time, no one left their shit in the lobby. They took it upstairs and put it in their own trash.
So if you live in an apartment building, and notice the constant and same trash by the mailbox, and you want it to stop, knowing full well mentioning it is a fucking waste of time, make the small effort for a month, of separating it and dropping it in front of each tenant's door. I guarantee you, after a month, they'll stop dropping it on the floor by the mailboxes in the lobby.

Case closed.

#231 - T.P. Role Model

LaFevre will never understand how those who are responsible for ordering supplies for their company, allow things to run out before ordering. LaFevre uses toilet paper as the prime example. Do you let it run out while you're on the throne? Maybe, if there was more in the closet. But do you let the last roll disappear, knowing there's no more in the closet? Didn’t think so.

LaFever retorts...

How is it possible for a sport like tennis to be so quiet, even though everyone is always raising a racket, while bowling is one of the loudest, yet you can still hear a pin drop?

#230 - California Dreamin'

Have you ever gone to bed, and woke up five minutes later, only to realize 7 hours had just passed, and what you thought you were thinking while waiting to fall asleep, was, in fact, just a dream, and when you assumed you were awake all night, and after you immediately thought, how am I going to make it through the day, you realized it WAS all just a dream, so today is no problem? Happens to LaFevre all the time. Could be happening right now. He’ll have to think on this tonight...when he goes to bed. WAKE UP!!!

Friday, September 17, 2010

#229 - Call & Raise Ya

Tiger Claw’s purpose, put into words: “raising the bar, for air guitar”.
New addition to the dic: “air-no-goodness”,
in response to “what are you up”!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

#228 - Breaking News

LATEST NEWS UPDATE: There seems to be a lot of talk out there lately as to a certain item of origin. Commercial advertisements, online releases, etc., all claiming to be the source. Well, LaFevre’s got news for everyone:

“Windows 7 was my idea...”

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

#227 - Frontage Path

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper. And I will strike down upon those with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know that my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.” Ezekiel 25:17

LaFevre’s take: it is good to walk the path, but that path dictates that there be no exceptions, and you have to help when you can, those that stray from the path; and turn the other cheek, when challenged or confronted by those off the path.

LaFevre accepts, but also rejects, the path. LaFevre walks the path, helping when necessary, but turning the other cheek simply does not work today. Sometimes, the other cheek shows that those off the path, refuse to accept the path, and need to be shown, the path.

Therefore, LaFevre walks a similar, but different path. LaFevre could blaze a new path, which would be the more difficult path, considering you have to clear the way to establish that path, encountering obstacles and resistance that will test and challenge you along the way, and occasionally stop you in your tracks.

LaFevre prefers the path beside the path. It is the path less traveled, but still in view of the original path, running parallel. The perfect analogy for that path is called the "frontage road". Every freeway/highway in America has a road that runs along side it, on the other side of the fence. And no matter where you are, everywhere you go, anywhere in the US, this road has no name, but is simply referred to as, the "frontage road".

If you cannot maintain the proper path, at least run along side it, the “frontage path”.

#226 - Brain Cloud

Here’s another example of an existing term (sorta), that LaFevre has added to. The term comes from the film, “Joe Versus The Volcano”, starring Tom Hanks as a loser who is manipulated into jumping into a volcano, to placate the island chief (Abe Vigoda), as a favor to a doctor (Lloyd Bridges) who wants to mine the island for precious materials (also starring Meg Ryan in three different roles). He tells Tom Hanks he has a terminal condition, called a “brain cloud”, to convince him to jump into the volcano, as a selfless act of valor. Unfortunately, because it was completely fabricated, there was no real definition of this “brain cloud” provided. Until now!

LaFevre recently was at a loss to figure out something that was right there in front of him. Common sense and logic were nowhere present. So LaFevre remembered this “brain cloud” term, and thought, this would be the perfect definition for any situation where our intelligence takes a coffee break, and the brain is left to fend for itself, in empty space. And it’s temporary, not terminal. So instead of life-threatening, it’s only ego-embarrassing.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Longstreet - an excert from My Chequered Life, the LaFevre Autobiography

During the fifties, Dad was in the Army, stationed at San Francisco’s Presidio base. Mom worked on the base, as well. Probably how they met, no doubt. So, they would often go down to Fort Point, an old brick stronghold built in the 1800’s to guard the golden gate against invading armadas. It is located under the span at the southern end of the Golden Gate Bridge. The road down was a dead end, ending at Fort Point, but the road didn’t have a name. Hell, it was probably considered just a side road, for military support reasons. After all, there were no residences or other buildings between the main road and the Fort Point. Dad’s friends use to badger him about his and Mom’s romantic trysts at the Point. Back in the day, that’s what it was all about. Making out. Soon after, Dad was shipped out to Korea to drive supply trucks to the front line during the Korean War. Mom stayed behind to do her part to support the war effort.

Dad, ever the joker, told me that because of their trysts at the Point, the street was later named after him; that being “Long Avenue”. It was true that the road was named shortly after he left, but for the reason Dad gave, it was highly coincidental. It is official and on the map as Long Avenue. But I knew my Dad. He was always about pulling our legs. One story that stands out: driving through the country, Dad would point out the cows standing on the hills. He called them side-hill cows, with shorter legs on one side, to stand upright. We bought it, and didn't realize till years later, the legs were simply extended forward to compensate for the hillside. Oh, dad.

So I thought, ‘Long Avenue’. Sounds right. But Dad was a private. And I seriously doubt the Presidio, a military base dating back to the 1800’s, would consider naming a street after my dad, however short and inconsequential that street was, and that he was a private, even if he and Mom made it famous, albeit locally. So I decided to research it. Inquiring minds want to know.

So I called the Presidio Office of Archives and told them my situation. I knew they would assume I was jerking their chain, but after hearing me out, they actually sympathized with me, based on all of the details as I outlined above. They said they’d research the origin of the street name and who it was really named after, and get back to me.

I received a call a week later with the news for which I was seeking. I wasn’t surprised, but I was impressed; not by the Presidio and their actions, but the presumed actions of my dad’s service buddies. I was told that the street was named after a Brigadier-General who served in the Navy during the late 1800’s. It wasn’t exactly stated that he was stationed at Fort Point, per se, but was a frequent visitor to the Presidio base.

This is where it obviously becomes purely speculation; but considering the facts and the coinciding with my dad’s visits to the Point, and the name being issued shortly after his transfer overseas, it’s easy to surmise the following: his buddies wanted to commemorate Mom & Dad’s ‘sessions’ down there, for which his buddies had so much fun watching from above, and the fun they had with him after; and since the street had no name at the time, they attempted to have it named after him, after his departure. The Office responsible for this effort couldn’t do it. The case wasn’t enough to support a street name, especially for a private. So they asked to see reference material on names in the military of notable stature; enough to support a street name. Had to be someone famous. We’re talking a street name here. Forever emblazoned on signs along its path, and on every map in distribution.

They found it in the form of a Brigadier-General, last name ‘Long’ - a Navy officer who frequented the Point back during the turn-of-the-century. They submitted the paperwork. It was accepted. It was official. The turnoff street leading down to Fort Point was now named “Long Avenue”. Named officially after, and in the guise of, a turn-of-the-century Naval officer; but in reality, dedicated to my dad. What a wonderful tribute. I wish I had actual proof, but the circumstances are good enough for me. A nice piece of history to pass on for generations.

#225 - Legendary Iconics

Legends vs. Icons. a subjective point of contention. But only between people who like to argue the point. To LaFevre, it’s a non-issue. What exactly is the difference? Longevity. Consistency. And impact. all legends are icons, but not all icons are legends. Icons reach legendary status, in a short period of time, achieving the status of icon. But icons become legends when they maintain iconic status for a lengthy period of time. you want examples, LaFevre can tell.

In all your major sports, the legends are those who set records decades ago, who have yet to have those records broken. Icons are the superstars of today, on track to break those records, but haven’t come close yet. In Monster Trucks, Tom Meents/Maximum Destruction holds the most titles, but is only an icon, whereas Dennis Anderson/Gravedigger, is the legend here. In wrestling, Hulk Hogan and Ric flair are your legends, while the icons the likes of Undertaker, Sting, Shawn Michaels, Bret Hart, etc. how about basketball – Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Wilt Chamberlain are the legends, but Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson and Larry Byrd would be icons. Even though thewy’re all retired, in a few years they will classified as legends. It’s all about the matter of time. Other legends: Pele (futbol), Wayne Gretsky (hockey). And golf: Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, etc, all legends. Tiger (the other tiger) is still only an icon. sure, it may a matter of semantics, and subjective, but some things are given. to that, there is no argument.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

#224 - Moronic Idiocracy

For years, I've been using two terms interchangably, to describe people and their actions. Idiots, and morons. I never gave much thought to it until today, when I realized, there is a slight difference. Idiots are so, because they're ignorant. Morons are just plain stupid.

But Hutch made the case for training purposes. Hutch is one of Tiger Claw's original 7 samurai, and regularly consulted for his opinion, along with that of the other 6 samurai. LaFevre says, maybe so, but idiots refuse to listen, and morons fail to understand. In the long run. Good luck with that one.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

#223 - You, Me, & T.P.

TP: The only item you need to take care of all the needs that are taken care of by other items. First, there’s the all-powerful, ever-necessary, toilet paper. Then, the paper towel, napkin, and tissue. The paper towel, napkin and tissue are luxury items, while the TP is the necessity item. No one should be embarrassed to use TP for all 4 purposes. Allow LaFevre to add a backup emergency item to your arsenal – sanitary wipes. They eliminate the need to use a spray. But on that unfortunate occasion when you run out of TP, and go to the closet, only to discover nothing there, and it’s in the middle of the night, when the corner store is closed, whip out a few sanitary wipes, and lay out to dry (wiping with a wet wipe is simply unacceptable). After the wipe, you’ve not only disinfected, but added a pleasant aroma, which is a good thing, in certain situations. After all, the root of “cologne”, is “colon”.

#222 - Just, Give...It...Up

Overheard during a casual conversation at a social gathering:

Unknown: “Oh, so you think you know it all, you think you’re all that.”
LaFevre: “...and a bag of chips.”
Unknown: “Now you think your funny, too.”
LaFevre: “I don’t think; I only know.”
Uknown: “Well, excuuuuse me.”
LaFevre: “There’s no excuse for you. Only pity.”
Unknown: (Mr. T. voice) “I pity the fool!”
LaFevre: (Obi-Dan voice) “Who’s the more foolish, the fool, or the one who follows him.”
Uknown: “I give up.”
LaFevre: “Better to give up than to give in. “Giving up” is merely a realization that there’s no hope, and bowing out gracefully. Giving in, is accepting defeat without any grace whatsoever. Have a drink, on me.”

Monday, July 19, 2010

#221 - Sidewalkers & Weavels

New additions to the LaFevre Dictionary of Contemporary Terms, along with sub-terms, as it relates to “sidewalkers”.

LaFevre has new terms for those who are problem walkers who are a nuisance on the sidewalks. Two were already exposed in fevism #122 “You’re Trippin’ “, ones who drag there feet, called “stumbleweeds”, and the condition that causes it, “slackfoot”.

One is “weavel”. A “weavel” is one who wanders while walking, drifting from the left to right, and back. “Weavels” make it difficult to pass, because when you move to one side to pass, they drift into your path. After 3 attempts, one can’t help out but scream, “Hey, one side or the other, pal.

The other is “sidewalker”. A “sidewalker” is just someone who walks on the on the sidewalk, that’s a pedestrian. Noooo. “Sidewalkers” are those who travel in groups, or what LaFevre likes to call, “packs”. Why? Because for some reason, they all have to walk side-by-side. Two-wide is fine. But three- or four-wide? C’Mon. Do you really half to take up the whole sidewalk, so anyone coming from the other direction, has to move all the way to the side, and sometimes on the outside of a pole or tree? No respect. These are “side-walkers”.

Solution: do what LaFevre does (of course it helps if you’re big, look bad, and also pretend like you aren’t paying attention): walk down the middle. You can see “sidewalker packs” from a distance. Find a line, and stick with it. 9 times out of 10, the pack will part. If not, bump them. If they speak? Turn around, act psycho and drop the bomb: “Do you really need the whole f/n sidewalk?”

This was worth a whole page.

LaFever retorts...

LaFevre's favorite things to do at Walmart:

Filling shopping carts and leaving them in the aisles
When someone walks away from their cart, add stuff to it.
Set up a full-scale battlefield with all the little army men.
Ride a display bicycle through the store, saying it's a test drive.
Take a nap in the display patio furniture.

#220 - Pause For The Cause

Each day, LaFevre prepares for that night’s entertainment, along with a double-wide of fine wine. But on those days where the next begins a vacation, he prepares with two. Why? To start of the vacation right. As in...right after he wakes the next day. When else?!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

#219 - LeStreak

What is it about streaks being invoked by the media. We’re talking sports streaks here. LaFevre believes there needs to be a rule book for streaks.

#1 – There no streaks in football. Why? Games are played once a week. It’s just not fair.

#2 – The streak should be tiered. Dynasty teams, such as the Yanks, Sox, Mets, Dodgers, Giants, etc, win more than they lose, so in all fairness, consecutive wins over 10 become streaks, as do the top 3 teams in each division in the current year. Conversely, the bottom 3 in each division in the current year, who are losing more than they are winning, get the streak starting at 5 in a row.

#3 – Effective immediately, all streaks across the field shall be done by women, not men. Sorry ladies.

Friday, July 16, 2010

#218 - Art Of The Spoken Word

It’s all in the delivery. Of course, it helps if you’re bigger than everyone else. so, with that in mind...

Wherever you are (work, party, social gatherings), and want to deliver a criticism, or even an insult, without having to suffer repercussions for doing so, LaFevre has the solution. Whatever it is you have to say, start out with “Well, from what I hear” or “From what I’ve been told”, then deliver the blow, as if you’re the messenger. The closing line should cover your ass. Raise your hands and shrug your shoulders as if you “don’t know”, and repeat after LaFevre: “I’m just sayin...”! That line will should render you neutral, if you deliver it correctly. Hopefully.

Friday, July 9, 2010

#217 - All In Your Head

Unless you actually possess the power of ESP (extra sensory perception), as in, reading others’ thoughts, it’s all in your head. But a few of us do possess certain skills, on a much higher, acute level, such as: attention-to-detail, common sense, deductive, intuitive, logical, and observational abilities. These skills tend to lead others to believe you have the ability to read minds. It certainly would appear so, on the surface.Prime prerequisites for the field of criminology and law enforcement. LaFevre is the first to admit, it feels good. But to put others’ minds at ease, he immediately gives up the goods as to how he came to know. LaFevre’s quote for the record:

"The flaw in reading minds, is the potential to misread at times,
and also run the risk of a mind changing during in the process,
but not as risky as the person denying you were right all along."

#216 - The Unthinkable

“I think; therefore, I am.” – Rene Descartes

From your teens through your 20’s, your only concern is what people think of you. In your 30’s, you want to know, but only out of curiosity. After 40, it no longer matters what anyone else thinks, when it comes to you. As Popeye once said, “I am what I am, and that’s all that I am.”

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Tiger Claw says...

I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there, as the left-hand man, and I would rather not see you everyday.

#215 - See The Light, Know The Light

Another addition to the dictionary. Why LaFevre didn’t think of this long before now, but so be it. Sometimes it takes awhile to apply a material word to a realization, like a breath of fresh air in the cold, becoming steam in the process. Poetic, yes? Most call them inspirations. This term represents the inspiration LaFevre has, that evolves into a fevism. And that would be...the Fevision. Awright, quiet down. LaFevre’s ears are burning.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

#214 - Hocus Pocus

“No one who ever paid attention, suffered as a result of it;
unlike those who didn’t, and missed out altogether.”

Friday, June 25, 2010

#213 - Cafe Bacteria

Got milk? Then Got This? Got That? Everything is plagiarized. Rarely today is anything brand-spanking new. So in the interest of plagiaristic tradition, LaFevre gives you the next marketing package...for fat burners.

Remember the RAID commercials that even still run today, with those little animated cartoon pests that freak when RAID appears? Now they appear in medicine commercials, as mucus, bacteria, viruses, etc.

LaFever envisions these same parasites as FAT CELLS. After popping a fat-burner, it coats the body’s interior, similar to Pepto-Bismol, and the “fat cells” cry out in agony – “I’m melting”.

#212 - Sowing Seeds

No matter where LaFevre goes, there’s a fevism waiting to happen. Saw it on the bus today. Cigarette butts? No. Chewing tobacco? No. We’re talking “sunflower seeds”. LaFever can’t think of, at least at the moment, a worse food for several reasons: complete disregard to proper disposal, and the follow-up janitorial efforts. Here you have a seed, where the shell isn’t consumed, only the interior. The seed is too small to break apart individually, just to get to the interior, unlike pistachio’s, or walnuts, with help from a device. So the sunflower seed, or more accurately, seeds, since no one pops one seed at a time, are popped into the mouth, and more effort than is worth is undertaken just to get to that little nut inside. Where do the shells go? The floor. The ground.

Some will remove them by hand, but most consider that nasty and unsanitary, and would rather spit them out. On the floor. Or ground. ‘Scuse me? And any janitor will tell how difficult it is to clean it up. Ecchhh!!!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

#211 - Cat In The Hat

Not exactly. Never tell Tiger Claw “the cat was let out of the bag”, because the Claw will put you on the spot: “So why was the cat in the bag in the first place?” Hard to defend yourself on that one, without some sort of backlash.

LaFever Retorts...

We all know light travels faster than sound, which means a person may appear bright, until they remove all doubt when they speak.

#210 - White Noise

LaFever has always wanted to live above a corner bar. Deck and everything. He doesn’t mind the noise. Being born & raised in SF has had this effect, and the noise has become family. He’s often asked why, and has this to say: “If it’s too quiet, I can’t get to sleep!”

#209 - Systems Check

Let’s do a systems analysis here. There’s a system for everything. But the system LaFevre is referring to here, is the system that represents bureaucracy. A system that was built or created to bring order out of chaos, that ended up becoming the exact opposite of what it was designed to prevent. Progress. Now, the system is synonymous with Congress, er, the opposite of progress. Sorry, couldn’t resist. LaFevre could go on forever, but needed to stress the point behind “the system”.

LaFevre says: “You can’t truly beat the system until you’ve successfully cheated the system”. Examples could be given, but that would be foolish, dontcha think? After all, secrets cease to remain secrets when they’re revealed, right? One more thought, from the Book Of The LoongTao, “The knowledge a secret exists, is half the secret”. The best part is, y’all are still in the dark.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

#208 - Doggie-Do, Or Don't

Okay, LaFevre agrees. Dog owners are responsible for the mess their pets do while outside in public. But before LaFevre gets to his exception to the rule, he read someone else’s –ism, and was impressed. If aliens ever arrived, and, looking down, saw us humans picking up shit after their dogs, their first assumption would be the dogs are the master race and we the humans are their slaves. LMAO.

Now for the point. Pick it up off the street. Check. Pick it up off the grass. Check. Bushes? Not so fast. People don’t walk through, or sleep in, bushes. Bushes are the exception. Shit is organic and biodegradable. LaFevre says, leave it be.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

#207 - Ink, Inc.

Ink comes from the blood of the octopus. Imagine the symbolism of yesteryear, where signing something in blood, your blood, would be the same as using a pen. Maybe signing in human blood occurred because an actual pen was not available. Maybe an actual pen was not available because the ink from an octopus was not available.

What LaFevre is getting at, is this: he recently acquired a pirate pendant. A skull & crossbones. The usual pewter crap. He painted it black. Then came the gold paint to fill the eyes. Unfortunately, the tip was too large for the eye sockets, so only the rim got coated. A red marker was useless to fill the now-black eye sockets. LaFevre looked for red paint in the closet, to drip into the eye sockets, to no avail.

But LaFevre, a diabetic, says, hey, how ‘bout using the glucose monitor used to poke the finger, to drop some of his own blood into the eye sockets. Done deal. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, “blood-shot eyes”.

#206 - Umbrella Logic

LaFevre ran into a buddy in the rain and asked him where his umbrella was. He pulled out this little tiny one. LaFevre opened his extra-wide umbrella. The buddy said, "Damn, you could fit 3 people under there." LaFevre responded, "Yup, but only one guy, me."

#205 - Need To Know Basis

Listening to politicians speak is like, (insert analogy here). Understanding it is truly a lesson in futility. But after viewing a recent video of a veteran politician, speaking publicly, responding to the vaguest-of-vague questions the media loves to throw out: “what are your thoughts?”, it dawned on LaFevre.

The media is as much to blame as the politician. Basically, you have the media, using the platform of representing the people, when they’re really representing themselves, for the obvious reason, ratings; because ultimately, what the people see, is really what the media wants them to see. So, in essence, the media is really twisting what THEY see into ratings, by leaving out details, appealing to the public’s emotions, and getting away with it. Manipulation on the grandest of scales, aka, “mindfuck on a mass proportion”. Just like politicians. But with more power. After all, the media can make or break a politician, with a flick of a pen.

The politicians know this, so they spin their answers to the media’s questions, to a point where the people don’t understand the answer. The media is forced to shorten the politicians’ answers to “soundbites”; short, edited, responses, that are intended to grab the attention of the people. The people think it’s done on purpose, as part of politicians’ job, and maybe it’s partially true, but LaFevre believes it may be done, not to keep the people in the dark, although that may be partially true, but simply as a defense mechanism to the media.

#204 - Watch'ya Watch Say?

It doesn’t say anything, you have to look at it. But seriously, folks…watches are for folks who are more concerned with status. Even more so now, since we see the time when using our cell phones more than we consult our actual watches. LaFevre’s belief: people who wear watches are nothing more than timekeepers; simply there for us who need to know the time. We ask, you answer. Hurts, don’t it?!

#203 - Run Of The Bulls

The legendary Michael Jordan. Chicago Bulls. “Air Jordan”. Red Bull. The energy drink that started it all. After years of watching Jordan fly, and years of seeing Red Bull spots and hearing their ‘image line’, LaFevre pontificates: is the Red Bull tag line an homage, to honor Jordan, or was it a collaboration between the two, or strictly coincidence?

If it was collaborative, LaFevre tips his hat to the most high-level, marketing, tie-in secret in the ad biz today. LaFevre is also quick to take credit for this discovery, since no one else has yet to make the connection, to LaFevre’s knowledge. If they had, it would be common knowledge. If not, LaFevre suggests a strategically-placed call to Red Bull, calling them on this more-than-coincidental occurrence, and suggesting the placement of himself as spokesman.

LaFevre can see the future: RedBull cartoon characters playing B-ball. One drinks a RedBull, and lifts off over the heads of all the others, from one end of the court to the other, slam-dunking for three points. After all, his last step was outside the arc. Cue the tag: “Red Bull gives you wiiings…”

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

#202 - Clockwatchers

Time flies when you're having fun. But what about at work? Which would you prefer: watching the clock because the day is taking forever? Or watching the clock because you're running out of time, to do what you gotta do, which is a good thing?! It means the end is near. And that means time for fun, which then means, time is about to fly. Twice as fast, of course.

#201 - In The Toilet

A fevism double-shot. Firstly, what is it about toilet humor that is so immature and childish, that one must be mature enough to tolerate it and not be offended by it?

And secondly, as a prime example, here’s some of that very humor, immature in nature, but even the most mature have to laugh at it, cuz you know it’s true.

Every once in awhile, LaFever likes to aim directly into the pool, hearing the flow as it hits the pond, making bubbles in the process. LaFever thinks it has to annoy some, especially when they’re sitting in a stall. The part LaFever can’t wait for, and hopes to happen some time in the future, is a comment from the stall: “Do we really have to hear you pee?”. Finally. “Fuck yeah, if I gotta smell your shit!”

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Reflections...after a landmark 200 fevisms...

We've come a long way, baby. Can that be used? I hope I don't get a call from Virgina Slims. Fevisms continues to keep it light, while making light of other things, and sometimes, even people. On this landmark occasion, celebrating 200 fevisms, I thought I'd share a few reflections on what I've seen, learned, and discovered.

I love poetry, long walks on the beach,
and poking dead things with a stick.

I'm ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.

I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there,
and I don't want to see you everyday.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

Don't take it from me, I'm nobody.
But then again, nobody's perfect.
So take it from me,
Cuz I'm perfect.

#200 - A Sea Of Pink

Thee perfect segue from fevism #199. There are already multiple terms for vegetarian. There’s “semi”, where poultry, eggs, and dairy are allowed, but not meat and pork. Then there’s ovo- (egg) and lacto- (dairy) vegetarian, which allows eggs and/or dairy, respectively, but not poultry, of course. You won’t see “avian-vegetarian” because poultry is allowed, along with eggs and dary, under the “semi” moniker.

And then you have “vegan”, which doesn’t allow anything, except fruits, vegetables, and grains. Wait, is fish allowed? Is fish considered a meat? I know poultry is, but that’s considered a white meat, not like beef or pork, and not allowed. Oh wait, isn’t pork the other white meat. No, that’s all Marketing/PR from the pork industry. So does that mean a semi-vegetarian cannot eat red meat, but CAN eat white meat (poultry), but not the “other white meat”, since it’s red before you cook it?

Maybe seafood is the only meat that IS allowed. But why? Is it because feet is the deciding factor, since cows, pigs and birds can walk, but fish can’t? Some of the birds we consume, can’t fly. But flying is not an exemption. When LaFevre eats salmon or tuna, sometimes it tastes like chicken. Well, at least the tuna made by “Chicken Of The Sea”. Does that count?

Since beef is considered red meat, and meat from the pig is primarily red, for the most part, including the other white meat “pork”, and all poultry is white meat, LaFevre believes, and you heard it here first, folks, seafood is the newly-created “pink meat”. Think about it: if you drink red wine with beef or pork, and white wine with poultry, what do you drink with seafood? Exactly – Rose, or White Zinfandel, if you’re from SF. Don’t argue with LaFevre. He knows. He’s from SF. And doesn’t drink White Zinfandel. Sorry, ladies only.

#199 - Straight Edge Society

The new breed for the next generation. My generation calls it “clean & sober”. LaFevre gives props for first hearing this term from a professional wrestler: CM Punk. It stands for nothing unnatural going into the body. No drugs, alcohol, tobacco, or prescription drugs. Although LaFevre fathoms if it’s a matter of life & death, and the doctor administers it while you’re laying on a gurney, not much of a choice there.

LaFevre once questioned why tattoos were not included. Piercings were acceptable, since nothing went “into” the body, per se, only “through” the body. But tattoos, although topical in nature, and not necessarily going “into” the body, per se, but ink being injected into/under the skin, a few layers down, qualifies in LaFevre’s book, especially if complications develop that affect the body in a certain way, such as allergic reactions and infections.

But in the overall big picture of things, LaFevre wonders where nutrition and consumption falls into all of this. After all, if Pepsi is the end-all, be-all for the current straight-edge society, I applaud their enthusiasm when it comes to the medicine cabinet, but question their lack of consideration for the kitchen table. Pepsi is nothing more than: caramel coloring, high fructose corn syrup, caffeine and carbonated water. Not exactly natural ingredients here, folks.

The illegal stuff is obvious, as is the legal stuff that is unnecessary and of no nutritional value (cigarettes, alcohol, and prescriptions when not needed), but what about trans-fats, excessive sodium, high fructose corn syrup, refined sugars, etc.? After all, shouldn’t “straight-edge” be reserved for the ultimate health/nutrition lifestyle, which not only includes all the stuff mentioned above, but also the pure vegan lifestyle? Or is it possible to be straight-edge, but not a vegan? Or a vegan, who isn’t straight-edge? A vegan who thinks it’s okay to smoke a joint once in awhile, since it’s from a natural herb, but not eat meat or dairy? And only for medicinal purposes. Riight.

Monday, February 22, 2010

#198 - Dirty Laundry

Very appropriate. Money laundering. We’ve heard about it. We’ve seen it on film. Money, tossing and turning. But it’s more than that. Money in the laundry may be how the term originated, but it transcended to a newer meaning. The art of moving funds from one account to another, until it became legitimate, due to being untraceable.

But that’s beside the point. Why would anyone put money into a dryer? After all, as everyone knows, when paper goes through the wash, and then the dryer, all that’s left is a wad of mulch. You can’t pull it apart. You can’t decipher what it once was. But behold – money survives.

Lafever just did laundry. He also is extra careful to remove everything from the pockets. Well, for some reason, he missed a pocket. After going through the wash, AND the dryer, he felt something in one of the pant pockets. Lo & behold, folded money. A 5-spot, and 3 singles. In perfect condition. No fading. No sticking together. Crisp, US-issued, greenbacks that came out the same way as they entered. Booyah. Lunch money.

Moral of the story: the next time someone tells you something is not worth the paper it’s printed on, tell them it must not be CASH. Cuz CASH is, even when it’s run through the wash.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

#197 – Happy (glup) Valentine’s Day (slurp)

When I see my girl this weekend, I'll be giving her red tulips, instead of roses. And when she looks at me all confused, I'll ask her this: "But sweetheart, what's better than roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ." Don't try this at home.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

#196 - Ode To My Saints

Who Dat say what we can't do
In our hearts, we always knew;
And just like Indy's stats,
The excuses won't last,
Cuz my Saints came marching through...

Friday, February 5, 2010

Tiger Claw says...

No, this time, he doesn't say anything.
He howls, and growls,
at the top of his lungs,
with a deafening roar,
turning heads,
stopping everyone and everything, in their tracks,
for all to hear, and fear,
for this year, 2010, is the Year Of The Tiger,
and this time, he will not be denied,
because this time, TIGER CLAW...

#195 - Shitstorm

OK, these two are classified as an “unfevisms”, and relegated to mature-audiences-only, even if the subject matter is sophmorish. It can’t be “X-Rated”, since that’s reserved for porn, and too taboo/forbidden to be “R-Rated”; so it gets that least-used of all MPAA ratings, “NC-17”. Gross, toilet humor, literally; but LaFevre sees humor in everything, and spends a small amount of energy just keeping some things to himself, even though he knows it’s common knowledge. Everyone knows, but nobody talks about it.

#1 - Ever notice when you're sitting down for a #2, during the process, you feel your stomach shrink, and the bloating disappear? Everyone does, but nobody talks about it.

#2 – Don’t you hate it when you finish that #2, but because whatever it was that you ate, it resulted in at least 5 wipes, which seemed like enough at the time, or maybe not, but you couldn’t keep going, because it would result in two flushes, and if you had tried to do it all in one flush, you would run the risk of a backup; so you stopped, because it seemed like enough at the time; but lo and behold, two hours later, you need to go back for a couple more wipes, because, well, just because? Everyone does, but nobody talks about it.

Monday, January 18, 2010

#194 - Scare Tactics

Which part of the fevism scares you more: the message contained within, the context in which they’re written, or your interpretation of them? Oops, left out the messenger.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

#193 - Waiting Room

They say waiting is the hardest part. They weren’t kidding. We wait for everything. We wait in line, for everything. We wait for the end of the workday. We wait for this. We wait for that. Then why is it we go off on someone we had to wait for? Sure, 15 minutes or more is no excuse. But today, people get pissed if they have to wait more than 5 minutes.

I’ve got news for you. On one day, you’ll have to wait 5 minutes. The next time, someone has to wait for you. It all comes out in the wash. Unless you wait more often than someone has to wait for you. If that’s the case, leave.

Bottom line: think about it, when was the last time you showed up at the same time as the other person? I’m talking walking up to X-marks-the-spot, at the exact same time? But wait, there’s more…

Monday, January 4, 2010

#192 - Under The Berry Tree

LaFever recently discovered a new berry, found mostly in public places. Its tree is a great place to sit under, read a book, listen to pre-recorded educational materials, etc. It’s called, the liberry. Now, while you’re there, look up the word “library”, and do us all a favor: learn how to pronounce it correctly. Note to kids: every Saturday is Liberry Ice Cream Day.