Tuesday, September 30, 2008

#102 - Soda Jerk

You ever have that feeling while you’re drinking a soda, and you have to burp, but you don’t want to stop drinking because you’re right at the end of the drink; so you release the burp through your nose, against your better judgment, and end up feeling the burn anyway, like you knew you would?

Monday, September 29, 2008

#101 - Working Hard, Working Smart

Amazing how quick it comes to pass. Simple as someone saying they had a hard or busy day. Which always leads to the old saying, for which LaFever wishes he could take credit for, but acknowledges, nonetheless.

Working hard vs. working smart. We all work hard, but not always smart. If we worked smart, we wouldn’t have to work so hard. We assume working hard is important, and recognized for it, since it gets the job done. Sure, to a certain degree. But working hard is more often taken advantage of, and doesn’t get you anywhere in the long term. Working smart is more important. To your boss. To the company. To its bottom line.

Management may depend on the “working hard” part in the short term, but all that will get you is a pat on the back, in the long run. Making the company money, or saving the company money, by working smart instead of hard, will get you that raise and/or bonus. In the end, it’s your boss who brings up the failures. It’s up to you to bring up the successes. There’s a reason logs are kept. I have mine. You got yours?

#100 - Just...Don't...Do...It

The landmark fevism #100 is on deck, so it necessitates living up to the hype. Might as well go low-brow for the one prior. Not to defeat its applicability. All fevisms apply. Some just appear low-brow, due to its very nature, but remember this: fevisms are about pointing out the obvious, even that which is obvious to us all, albeit taboo, that none of us talk about, but agree wholeheartedly.

Statements. We all get them. Most common: the monthly overview of activity. Another: one that people make. As an “announcement”, or an official account of ‘what happened’ at a crime scene. All in all, the goal is to have as many people hear and understand what you are trying to say.

So, the next time you’re in the bathroom, and someone is already there, for a #2, and you’re tempted to say, “Hey, flush the goddamn toilet”, remember this: you’re in the bathroom. And a statement is being made. Grin and bear it. (LaFever helpful hint: breathe through the mouth, not the nose.)

#99 - Monthly Statement

The landmark fevism #100 is on deck, so it necessitates living up to the hype. Might as well go low-brow for the one prior. Not to defeat its applicability. All fevisms apply. Some just appear low-brow, due to its very nature, but remember this: fevisms are about pointing out the obvious, even that which is obvious to us all, albeit taboo, that none of us talk about, but agree wholeheartedly.

Statements. We all get them. Most common: the monthly overview of activity. Another: one that people make. As an “announcement”, or an official account of ‘what happened’ at a crime scene. All in all, the goal is to have as many people hear and understand what you are trying to say. So, the next time you’re in the bathroom, and someone is already there, for a #2, and you’re tempted to say, “Hey, flush the goddamn toilet”, remember this: you’re in the bathroom. And a statement is being made. Grin and bear it. (LaFever helpful hint: breathe through the mouth, not the nose.)

Saturday, September 27, 2008

#98 - Vengeance Is Mine...(Romans 12:19)

Don’t get mad, get even. We’ve all heard that before. But it’s not enough. When we’ve been slighted, we get mad. Then we want to get even. Through revenge. But it doesn’t end there. If you get even, you’re not really even. Getting even is a payback, but doesn’t make up for you being put out in the first place. This is why revenge is required, to clear the slate. Revenge is the karma that comes into play, coming back 10-fold. And that’s the key. It’s why 10-fold is the standard, because getting even isn’t enough, hence the more recent saying, “don’t get mad, don’t get even, get revenge”.

The only variable, of course, is time. You have to have the patience, and the memory capacity. Mom always use to tell me, “don’t worry, your time will come. It may not be tomorrow, or next week, or next month. But it will come.” Mom was on to something. Instilled a fear she never had to follow up on. But it helps to remember. Everything, sooner or later, comes around full-circle.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

#97 - I'll Drink To That

“I drink alone” – George Thorogood. I like this guy. I drink alone, too. Tell people all the time, just to see their reaction. “Well, don’t you think that might be a problem?” Not when you live alone. Hah. And you thought being a "chuggernaut" was bad enough (see fevism #63).

#96 - The Value Of Appreciation

2008. The floor gives out under the financial sub-prime mortgage market, followed by lending institutions, then investment houses. Whoa. More like depreciation, of the highest order. All the more reason to show appreciation for the value of one’s worth as a contribution to the team for which one works. Unfortunately, “appreciation”, or the ability to show it, is innate to one’s character. You either have it an do, or you don’t. You can’t force it. And once a year, at the end of the year, is nothing more than lip service. Cruel, maybe; brutal, yes; true, definitely.

LaFevre retorts...

It's been swell, but the swelling's gone down.

#95 - Excuses, Excuses

“Excuse me” used to be mostly a respectful request to interrupt a conversation with pertinent information to that conversation. Then, add to that, the use of getting someone, or a crowd’s, attention. Now, more than ever, it’s used to get by or around someone who is in the way. LaFevre thinks that is not necessary. After all, if someone is in the way, why do they deserve the courtesy of an “excuse me”.

LaFevre’s favorite targets are those who wear the oversized backpacks, which always seem to take up the space of an extra person, and is just asking for a nudge by LaFevre, to get by or around. I’m still waiting for the “can’t you say excuse me?”, whereby LaFevre says “what for? You’re in the way. Take off the backback.”

#94 - Tough Love

They say treat others they you want them to treat you. Maybe in the old days…LaFevre says: “You can’t treat others and expect them to treat you the way you want to be treated. You have to treat others the way they treat you, and hope they get the point!”

#93 - Frisco Chapter

Slang. Unauthorized use of this term will result in an action against you, but only if you’re from somewhere else. The Chronicle’s famed Herb Caen is credited with its popularization by defaming it’s use. Mostly due to hearing outsiders use it. Conversely, it became synonymous with the local biker gangs, most notably, the SF Hells’ Angels chapter. It had a cool ring to it, albeit underground. Especially recently (2008), when the President of the “Frisco” Hell’s Angels Chapter died in a confrontation with someone from a rival biker gang.

For the record, LaFevre is a native. He uses Frisco all the time. When confronted, he throws down the gauntlet to anyone who challenges its usage. Almost always, it’s someone from somewhere else. And after hearing the term’s history, the challenge is dropped, garnering respect in the process, all at the same time. Better than suffering the Frisco fate. You don’t wanna know.

#92 - Hear No Evil

Of all the disadvantages of deafness, there is one positive - not hearing any of the negative comments, insults, or otherwise, directed at others, including yours truly. Consider yourself lucky. If I had heard it, you’d be in a world of hurt.

#91 - LaFevre On Relationships

On one side, who am I to talk, I’m 46 and still single (for a reason). On the other side, maybe there are issues involved that prevent the settling-down scenario (for the same reason). All depends on the situation at hand. For whatever reason, the union dissolves. In a nutshell, LaFevre has a couple anecdotes to keep in mind, and the subsequent theories on how to handle them.

#1 – when it’s over, it’s over. You know it. Your partner knows it. Prolonging is a waste of time. #2 – If you’re the one breaking up, don’t hang around. Do it, and leave. There will be efforts to reverse your decision, to your detriment. If they’re breaking up with you, accept it. Nothing you can do will change their mind. Concessions will only result in slavery. If you accept it, you deserve it. Finally, never do it when it’s least expected. Unexpected only hurts more, who never sees it coming, and doesn’t understand why, even though they have an idea, but are in denial.

The best time, as cruel as it may sound, is after an argument or fight. Over the phone, by email/text, or simply no contact from that point on, is for losers. More like cowards, actually. “Do what you will, but do what you must” – LaFevre

Tiger Claw says...

Good things come to those who air guitar.

#90 - Payment Overdue

Amazing how the Fevisms come out of nowhere. I just came home from my corner store. The TV at the store was off. “Dude, what happened?” “Forgot to pay the bill.” Well, there you have it. A Fevism for those who need to be told, as if it wasn’t obvious in the first place – no one forgets to pay a bill, they neglect to pay the bill. Customer Service isn’t stupid. Nor is LaFevre. 15 day notice. 48-hour notice. Courtesy calls to your cell phone. If you “forget” to pay a bill, it’s your own damn fault. Nothing insults the intelligence of humanity more than using the “forgot” excuse. The only thing people forget, is other people’s birthdays. And that’s the only thing acceptable, depending on the person, because “who keeps a calendar of birthdays of everyone they know?” Understand? Understood.

#89 - Admin, Inc.

One of LaFevre’s earliest quotes in life: “The administrative sector is the foundation of every corporate structure.” Anyone who has worked their ass off to get where they are, wherever that is, started at the bottom. It may not have been as part of the administrative sector, but a rookie, nonetheless. Unfortunately, many presume this unappreciated field of endeavor to be unimportant; a bottom rung position held by individuals with no goal in life. While that may be true of some, others have a different view. As a career. To be the best.

Why do you think when union service workers in the hotel/restaurant industry go on strike, everyone, and business, suffers. If all the mail clerks, file clerks, receptionists, and secretaries all took off for a day, how would you be able to conduct business? When you go to work tomorrow, let these people know how much you and the firm appreciate the work they do. You’ll instill a sense of pride in them, and may even garner some respect from them. If it wasn’t present already.

#88 - Courier Calves

Wow. Back-to-back additions to the LaFevre Dictionary. And holy cow. What’s up with the pic? I guess no pics were available for the “calf” muscle. After all, other than horses, the cow is on it’s feet, maybe even more so than horses. So the most developed muscle that is engaged when standing and walking, is the CALF. For humans, the extreme end are the waiters/waitresses, mail clerks, and couriers. While waiting on tables are done by individuals who are, for the majority, part-time, and mail clerks, who do have opportunities throughout the day to have a seat, it is the couriers that spend, pretty much, all their time, on their feet, with the calves getting the most workout. Ask yours truly, who’s been on his feet for over 25 years, to see the calves of steel to which I reference here, if you’re so inclined. And not afraid. No fear here.

#87 - Sarcastica Obnoxium

The latest addition to the LaFevre Dictionary of Contemporary Terms. Translated – the sarcastic response to an obnoxious action or comment. But it’s not so simple. An explanation must follow immediately, since the obnoxious consider it a “diss”, especially in the company of others. Of course, tact is most important, as well. Remember this: Sarcasm is the obnoxious response…to the obnoxious. Of course, it helps to be bigger than the obnoxious. An old saying LaFevre came across, and made it’s way into LaFevre’s comedy collection, “That Was Zen, This Is Tao”, is this: “It takes a big man to cry, but an even bigger man, to laugh at that man”.

#86 - Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

More like, reacting tiger, thinking dragon. That’s LaFevre. They say you should think before you act. Well, LaFevre does. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, he doesn’t think before he reacts. But there’s the difference. It’s good to think before you act, but not when you react. See, if you think before you react, it’s too late. Chalk it up to martial arts training. Remember: a reaction is based on someone else’s action, for which you shouldn’t be held accountable. I admit I am a tiger, but I’m trying to more like a dragon (cool Pulp Fiction reference, eh?).

LaFevre retorts...

People like you are the reason people like me need medication.

#85 - OB/Quiet

What is it about OB? There’s OB/GYN, where OB stands for Obstetrician. But what about OB in the term oblong? Does OB secretly mean O-D-D? Oblong is the term for a size, but what size is that? Oblong is a variable size, actually. Oblong is the name given to a size that doesn’t have a name, or sizes that are not uniform or symmetric. But what about obnoxious? LaFevre knows a lot about that one. Obnoxious – more noxious than noxious itself. Of course, toxic and noxious go hand-in-hand. I suppose a new addition to the LaFevre Dictionary of Contemporary Terms is in order. Obtoxious. Another one for the books.

#84 - But It's All...In...The Game

Life in the workplace. The corporate playing field. One of the three major industries where politics, or games, occur on a grand scale. At all levels. The other two are government and military. In a nutshell, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, in whatever field, remember this: whatever happens where you’re at, happens everywhere else. The details and specifics are different, but the situation is the same. If you leave because of it, you’re doomed in the cycle that repeats itself everywhere else. Stay with the big picture. And stay put. You’ll be better off because of it.

There are exceptions, of course. If you’ve been caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, it will be noted. But the sooner you learn the game, and how to recognize patterns, and document yourself, the better off you’ll be. Over time, if you know what you’re doing, and others recognize it, everything will take care of itself. With minimal effort on your part.

#83 - Two-For-One

Everyone knows that old saying, “You’re never alone with a schizophrenic”. Another LaFevre misnomer. Actually, a schizophrenic is never alone. Same goes for a Gemini. A Gemini is also never alone. Very few know the difference. A schizophrenic possesses one personality that is split in two, resulting in conflict and confusion. The Gemini possesses two personalities, resulting in two differing perceptions, but not conflicting or confusing. The difference is in the mindset. The Gemini, having the benefit of two distinct personalities, rather than one, split into two, uses both in conjunction, to arrive at a mutual result, or solution. The benefit is being able to see things from both sides; as opposed to a schizophrenic seeing one side split in two. Don’t ask me what a schizophrenic Gemini sees. My guess is, the same as everyone else. Or nothing at all. They can’t be bothered.

#82 - The Have and Have-Nots

Be happy with what you have, rather than what you’d rather have.

#81 - ...To The Trees

Evidently, there are those who think they are protesting by living in the trees (can you say Bezerkely?). Well, LaFevre has a fevism on this, and different than the one previously listed as Fevism #66, a variation of an ancient riddle. “If a tree falls in the forest, and the tree-sitters fall with it, does the sound they make mean anything to anyone?” Have a nice trip? See you next fall.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Tiger Claw says...

There are two types of people: those who air, and those who can't.

#80 - Drive For Show, Putt For DOH...

Just to show LaFevre knows the jargon, in spite of never playing the game, he has switched Fevism #80 (…TO THE TREES) to #81. “Why?” Because this Fevism is golf-related, and should be classified as Fevism #80. “Uh, again, why?” Because the Bay Area Golf Channel is 80. “Cute, but why should we honor this change?” Because LaFevre doesn’t golf. So for that very reason, he deserves a ‘mulligan’. And since LaFevre doesn’t play, but still knows the term, all the more reason. Without further ado, the #1 reason Tiger Woods is #1: during the off-season and when rehabbing the occasional injury, Tiger brings his own clubs to the miniature golf course. Overheard during one session: “Tiger, aim for the middle of the three holes; it’s the sure-shot hole-in-one.” Tiger: “Nah. I’ve seen it miss before. Fuck the windmill. I have a better chance chip-shotting it right to the hole.” And he did. Hole in one.

After further research, LaFevre discovered Tiger had a record of line-jumping due to impatience with those in front of him lagging behind, scoring over par, obviously. One time, Tiger took a bet on a dare to score a hole-in-one on the 18th hole, from the first tee. He won. Personally, I would have rigged the hole to pop the ball out. After all, this is pee wee golf.

#79 - A Day Like Any Other

Birthday. Another LaFevre-classified misnomer. But there’s probably a good reason for it. While your birthday is the day you were born, all others are birthday anniversaries. Sounds like a redundancy, but it isn’t. The anniversary was relegated to wedding days. You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. Besides, isn’t it funny how special treatment on that special day is incorporated into everyone’s DNA. But, it’s still…just another day? Tonight I’m having cake.

#78...And Then There Were None

Stop signs. Traffic lights. I would love to go back and live for a day…when there were none. Just horses, buggies, and stagecoaches, which are towed by horses. Crossing the street was easy. If you crossed in front of a horse, the horse stopped, even if the horseman was clueless. Groups of horses or horses running full speed, well, you just didn’t cross. Unless you were stupid. Then one day, car was created. Driver became invincible. Enter…the Stop Sign. For the benefit of the pedestrian. Over time, cars multiplied. The result: congestion, due to those Stop Signs. Obviously, pedestrians took advantage. Enter…the traffic light. For the benefit of the driver. Balance of power. Increasing the flow of traffic, and limiting the pedestrian right-of-way.

LaFevre’s California Irony: “In Southern California, car is king, and pedestrians are peasants. In Northern California, the walker rules, while the driver abides.” Another axiom, courtesy of LaFevre: “If there is no traffic, I think it’s safe to say, it’s safe to cross.”

#77 - One Buwitt Weft

Classic Bugs Bunny. “Gun control: Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” Whatever. Chris Rock says, “How do we stop crime? Raise the price of bullets. Each bullet should cost $5000. You’d see a lot less random gunfire.” LaFevre says there are two types of people when it comes to guns: those who use them without pause, and those who are afraid to, but will when backed into a corner. Of course, when a gun is pointed at you, make peace with God on the spot. If you don’t die within the first 5 minutes, there’s still hope.

The Feve was caught in the house with another man’s wife (25 years ago). Not in the act, mind you, but the husband was a gun collector. That’s not a good sign. Collectors rarely use what they collect. I walked out of the house alive, albeit at a distance, with a silver .357 magnum pointed at me the whole time. Thank God he wasn’t crazy. Of course, with the baby crying and the possibility of doing time running through his mind, I knew I would live to tell the story another day.

#76 - R-E-S-P-E-C-T

There are four types of people. Originally, I thought there were two. But as LaFevre ran this Fevism through his mind, it expanded. The Fevism AND the mind. The Fantastic Four: those who respect you and also fear you, those who respect you without fear, those who don’t respect you, but fear you nonetheless, and those who don’t respect or fear you at all. It is the fourth one you have to watch out for. It is this one that will stab you in the back. Watch your back. (Or call Forcefield Security – for protection services.)

Take Me Out To The Ballgame, 1996 - an excerpt from "My Chequered Life" (LaFevre's autobiography)

Rose and shined like any other day. Work was the usual grind. The benefit of working in a mailroom was the presence of a radio. Always has been. One day while listening to the radio, a contest was broadcast. 10th caller would receive 25 tickets to a San Francisco Giants baseball game the next week. I dialed, and dialed, and dialed. “Caller, you’re number 10. Congratulations.”

“Yeeaaooowwww!!” That was a on a Thursday. I heard there was one winner per day. I was blessed. Unfortunately, the game was at 1:05pm. On a Tuesday. During work hours. My boss was sympathetic, to a point. The Branch Manager told me, “Well, you can’t take 25 employees with you. We’ve got a business to run. Tell you what, since you won the tickets during business hours – we’ll donate the 25 tickets to a charity, a boys’ club, in yours, and the company’s name. And I’ll give you my box seats. Six rows behind the first base dugout.” I could live with that. I loved him as our top dog. He loved me for what I did.

Monday. Day before the game. I receive a call from the radio station. “Dan, guess what? We held a drawing from all of last week’s ticket winners. You are the grand prize winner.” Ai carumba. “What did I win?” “You get to throw out the first pitch!” No fucking shit. A native-San Franciscan, throwing out the first pitch at a San Francisco Giants game, at Candlestick Park. Classic. Standing on the mound, in front of thousands of Giants’ fans. Harder than it looks, people. I was used to softball. Underhand. Flat mound. 30 feet from the plate. This was the big leagues. Fast pitch. 60 feet from the mound, a mound 2-feet-high off the ground. I did the stereotypical wind-up. Hit the ground directly in front of the catcher. Thank God the catcher was one of the sideline coaches. Scooped the ball into his glove, sparing me the embarrassment of a wild pitch, sailing past him into the backstop.

#75 - Leave It To Beaver

You don’t suppose the word ‘cleavage’ came from the low-cut dresses Mrs. Cleaver wore? I didn’t think so. Glancing and staring. Glancing is complimentary, staring is rude. But where is the line. 1 to 2 seconds. Anything more is staring, and rude. The Feve glances all the time, but only stares when he looks over his shoulder. All in appreciation. And knowing he won’t get caught. Besides, LaFevre isn’t attached, not that it makes it okay, just less guilty.

#74 - Joker's Wild

‘Wild Cards’ should be banned. There are no ‘wild cards’ in any casino. ‘Wild cards’ are an unfair advantage, dictated by the dealer who lacks the confidence in his skill level, knowing he’ll win over a lower hand, even though that hand is higher ‘naturally’ than the hand with ‘wild cards’, and knowing he has the advantage being the ‘house’. If someone establishes one or more ‘wild cards’, invoke the LaFevre ‘Wild Card Limit’ – only one wild card. More importantly, if two hands come up as identical, the ‘natural’ hand prevails (natural = no wild cards). ‘Wild cards’ are fine during the adolescent stage, but turn childish upon adulthood. “When I was a child, I acted as a child, spanked as a child,and played with childish things. But when I became an adult, I put away those childish things.” Or do as LaFevre does: tell them ‘wild cards’ are for wusses. A cheap and insecure way to control the game. More often than not, embarrassment removes the wild card from the game.

#73 - Credit Where Credit's Due

IRS and the Kingdom of God. Heaven and Hell. A donation to charity and doing something for someone in the name of God, according to LaFevre, will earn you one credit. Conversely, a donation to charity, with the intent to deduct it from taxes, and doing something for someone in the name of God, for the purpose of recognition from God, will earn you a ½ credit. This is because, while you’re intentions are self-serving, you didn’t have to do it in the first place. Not doing anything, for charity, or for God, earns you ‘0’ credits (see Fevism #51). On the other hand, if you do nothing when you could have done something, that’s a minus ½ credit. And, of course, total disregard, disrespect, and inconsiderate actions result in a –1 credit. Check your figures. Adjust accordingly. Both are watching.

#72 - Wash & Wear

LaFevre’s General Rule On Washing Clothes: Everything happens in three’s. And so it goes with washing clothing, generally speaking. We’re talking outerwear here, folks. All underwear can be worn only once. For outerwear, the first use becomes used, the second, dirty, the third, funky. Do not use after funky. There are exceptions, of course. If you work in a job of a physical nature, sweating in the process, whether on the job, or due to high temperatures, or if you simply just sweat like a pig, go directly to funky. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.00. Office professionals are lucky. They wear undershirts under their white shirts. And sit at a desk all day. Needless to say, they only need two white shirts. One to where all the time, and one as a back-up. After all, everyone gets sloppy one time or another. (Special thanks to Sinbad for the dirty/funky reference.)

#71 - Not On My Watch

Watches, are no longer. A thing of the past. Obsolete. Watches are never exactly on time. You constantly wind them, or replace the batteries, when they slow; and you have to keep cells show the correct time. By satellite. You never have to correct the time on your cell. Can’t anyway. So there. Anyone who has a watch, you can bet they also have a cell. Watches are now nothing more than a luxury item to flaunt wealth. Personally, I’m waiting to run into the individual who has a drink in his watch hand so I can ask him the time. Heh, heh.

Tiger Claw says...

In the yellow pages, fingers do the walking; in air guitar, the fingers do the talking.

#70 - Fly On The Wall Is Gnat So Bad

Ah, to be that fly, but only when there’s something worth hearing or seeing. For the fly, once it’s indoors, it dies within a couple days. Not sure why. LaFevre thinks flies come indoors to retire, and die. In out of the elements. Look at your floor. Oh, a dead fly. But I didn’t kill that. Furthermore, it’s why it’s bad luck to kill a spider indoors. They take care of your pest problem. Like a praying mantis does in your garden. But it’s the gnats that are a nuisance. Which brings me the Fevism: There are two types of people; those who shoo, and those who clap. Shooing is more common. Why? Because they know those who clap, now have a dead bug on their hands, literally AND figuratively. Do they go and wash their hands immediately? No. They brush their hands as if the gnat remains will disappear. Definitely a good reason to use the bump here. LaFevre’s goal: to actually witness a fly die in mid-air, and fall to the floor. RIP.

#69 - Thanks For The Memories

Here are a couple of memorization techniques for two phrases no one can seem to remember: ‘former’ & ‘latter’, and which side is ‘port’ and which is ‘starboard’. ‘Former’ is the first one and ‘latter’ is the last one. ‘Port’ and left both have four letters. So ‘starboard’ is the ‘right’ side. So simple, yet we can never remember. Let’s combine the two phrases to see if you got it – “Port is the former left and starboard is the latter right.” Aarrgghhh!!

#68 - Unprofessional Amateurs

Believe it or not, there is a class of people that make up this category. It is the middle class of a three-class tier, or more affectionately known as, ‘three types of people’. It is given that moniker when there should only be two. It is why many categories dividing people into two classes are done so to point out that one of the classes shouldn’t be. As in, they should know better. ‘Three types’ is a challenge.

There are amateurs, and there are veterans. This is a given. Everyone is an amateur until they learn, becoming a veteran in the process. In that process, amateurs learn from veterans. Hence the Japanese reference made famous in “Rising Sun”, starring Sean Connery and Wesley Snipes: the ‘sempei’ and ‘kohei’, working in tandem, with one guiding the other.

The middle class distinction is the problem here. And that is: the ‘unprofessional amateur’, or, what LaFevre refers to as – the immature professional. LaFevre thinks the evidence is obvious here, except to the immature. The immature is an amateur who fails to rise out of amateur status, never to become a veteran. The difference is in how business is conducted, with reference to honor, discipline and, more importantly, respect. For the immature, it’s all about them. LaFevre respects the veterans, and cuts slack for the amateurs, but has no tolerance for the immature. Never has, never will. And if you want to know where you stand in LaFevre’s grand scheme of things, all you have to do is ask. LaFevre will be happy to tell you. Straight up.

#67 - Rocky Mountain High

The beer, Coors/Coors Light, are only effective at high altitudes, and on an empty stomach. Trust LaFevre. Decreased oxygen levels at higher altitudes, increases blood alcohol levels, requiring less consumption. It’s why LaFevre immediately drinks a beer after donating blood. One less pint to get in the way of his buzz. See, it’s different down here at sea level. Unless you’re drinking during the company softball game, of course, where it takes a whole game to take effect. Plus, it’s on an empty stomach. AND, there are plenty of trees around the field to relieve the Coors after-market, er, by-product.

Also, LaFevre noticed early on, and this is generally-speaking, of course: Coors drinkers only drink Coors, while other beer drinkers drink anything but Coors. And, on a sub-level: Coors drinkers either drink Coors, or Coors Light. But not both. No brand loyalty here. LaFevre’s goal? To bring a ‘40’ of his 8.1 Steele Reserve to Denver. And share it with others just to watch people stumble after only one glass (12 oz – not the 16-20 oz glasses). Since the “mile high” club is already taken, let’s call this one, LaFevre’s “mile high-five” club.

#66 - Good Vibrations

“If a tree falls in the forest, and there is no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Another good question. LaFevre has the answer. And no, it doesn’t. It makes a vibration. Which is where sound comes from. What we hear vibrates the inner ear. Sound is the name we gave it. Here’s a more interesting question: If a tree falls in the forest, and the one person in the forest is deaf, does he hear it? Gotcha. Nope. What he ‘feels’ is the vibration. If he doesn’t, the tree just fell on him. Better yet, if a tree falls on a deaf person, and there is no one around to hear him scream, does it make a sound?

LaFevre Retorts...

I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.

#65 - And Zen Zere Wuz None

“Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” LaFevre can’t believe this has been so difficult to figure out. Maybe it was the sheer idiocy of the question itself. Nonetheless, the egg came first. The chicken had to come from somewhere, the egg, of course. But the egg did not necessarily come from the chicken. LaFevre believes that creatures evolve as man does, by cross-breeding. Two birds of different species came together, and ruffled their feathers, and out came the egg. Lo and behold: a chicken. Fabulous. The real question is, who were the parents of this chicken? LaFevre thinks, due to the chicken’s flightlessness factor, the other two may have been the turkey and flamingo, or seagull, no, pigeon, hell, who the fuck knows. They all taste like chicken anyway!

#64 - Standing Room Only

This just goes to show you, enlightenment can happen anywhere and anytime. LaFevre realized this in the restroom, no less. For all the levels of authority and power out there, we all use the same toilet. So if you have anything to say to the powers that be, that you wouldn’t normally anywhere else in the office, the stall is the place to do it.

#63 - Chuggernaut

LaFevre likes to chug. Beer. Water. Juice. Even wine. Whatever. Except coffee. Unless it’s not too hot. LaFevre is often asked in reference to beer, “Don’t you want to taste it?” First off, LaFevre tastes it going down. Secondly, he tastes it again when the bubbles resurface. LaFevre reminds you, it’s better to burp and taste it than to fart and waste it. LaFevre follows the one-two rule when drinking: first for thirst, second to last. Of course, the third path is the one you don’t want to taste. Excess is overkill. Then again, at that point, realization is an afterthought, and too late anyway.

#62 - The Frying Dragon

Happy Chinese New Year. How do you say it – Gung Hay Fat Choy. Translated: Wishing wellness and prosperity in the new year. LaFevre sees a contradiction here. That prosperity will lead to unwellness in the form of the ever-prevalent obesity problem, thanks to deep-fried everything. LaFevre thinks the greeting should be changed to (drumroll, please, with all due respect): Gung Ho Fat Children. And while we’re on the subject, there is that other high fat cuisine, Mexican, where that ancient-of-all ingredients, LARD, is still used. LaFevre sees it daily when he passes the trash area of his workplace. There’s a special bin for used oil that has a grate on top for catching items that don’t belong. But there is something else that happens in the process. The discarded oil (lard) hardens as it drips. You guessed it: “fatcicles”. Add that to LaFevre’s Dictionary of Contemporary Terms.

#61 - Cribbles & Bits

Where did the idea of jail cells come from? LaFevre thinks it goes back to early childhood. Think about it. Not just for sleeping anymore. If you’re a bad toddler, where do they send you? That’s right. To the crib. Looks and acts just like a cell, doesn’t it? LaFevre’s bro spent more time in his crib than he should have, thanks to yours truly. Sorry, brah.

Tiger Claw says...

Air guitar is not a birthrite; it is defined by one's fingers.

#60 - Three On A Match

We all know the first is with luck. We also know the second could be, or most likely is, by chance. But LaFevre knows the third is for a reason. Recognize the skills.

#59 - Using No Way As Way

That’s a quote from Bruce Lee, my friend. Someone else once said, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way”. LaFevre thinks if there’s a will, he wants to be in it. But that’s not the Fevism we’re looking for here, folks. Without further ado: “There’s always a way, I always say.”

#58 - Lifestyles Of The Rich & Famous

When you’re rich, for every person who wants to be your friend, there’s another trying to take it all away. When you’re famous, for every person that wants to know you, there’s another who hates your guts.

#57 - Riding On The Meh-eh-eh-eh-tro

This one is a pre-Fevism Fevism, before Fevisms began being recorded for posterity. The term, ‘metrosexual’ made news awhile back, as a new and hip lifestyle, engaged by the heterosexual male community, in touch with their softer side. So how does one know if they’re a metro-sexual? LaFevre has three simple tests for you. Hands-on-the-hip, fingernail inspection, and shoe inspection. First, put your hands on your hips. The standard is ‘fingers in front, thumb in back’. If you reverse them, you are metro-sexual. Second, look at your fingernails. The standard is palm face up with fingers rolled inward. If you extend your fingers outward, palm facedown, you are a metro-sexual. And third, to check the bottom of your shoe, the standard is to cross the leg in front. If you bend it back behind you and look over your shoulder, you’re a metrosexual. If this offends you, it’s not LaFevre’s problem.

#56 - Criminal Incivility

So – guilty or not guilty, you can be sued in civil court, for ‘restitution’ for the victim and/or families. Being tried twice for the same crime is illegal, according to the Constitution of the United States. LaFevre agrees, though, but only if found guilty. On the other hand, LaFevre disagrees if the verdict is ‘innocent’. How can you justifiably sue someone in civil court when they were found innocent in a criminal court? Someday someone will have to explain this to LaFevre.

LaFevre Honor Roll - Artist Irony

Renoir was near-sighted. Rembrandt was far-sighted. Van Gogh had glaucoma. Monet had cataracts.

#55 - Green-House Effect

See, not all green is good. Neither is gangrene. But the worst green of all is the bandwagon painted green. Using green as a marketing tool. It’s the same thing as noted in #51 on Uncharitable. How about a changing of the color guard. How about ‘blue’, especially since what should be blue, is now green; as in our oceans, and that’s not a good thing. In the words of Selsun: “Blue, is better”.

#54 - Corn(er) Store(age)

You wanna know why corn gets caught in your teeth? Because once they get there, they don’t want to leave. They’ve just been reunited with their long lost distant cousins. Look at the corn. Looks a lot like your molars, doesn’t it? Yellow, even. Food for thought, hungry or not.

#53 - Better Late Than Never

Tardiness is inexcusable; at least not without an excuse, er, note. If you’re going to be late, and this is beyond the 15 minute courtesy window, call. LaFevre doesn’t mind you being late, if you call and tell him. But to just show up late, or if LaFevre has to call you after more than 15 minutes, is crap. You make the call, so LaFevre doesn’t have to.

#52 - Island Oasis

They say ‘no man is an island’. True. LaFevre likes to think of himself as a peninsula, surrounded by water (solitude) on 3 sides. LaFevre cherishes his privacy. LaFevre works alone in his department. He lives alone along with his cat. (He always wanted to live in a castle surrounded by a moat, with a pet dragon. The dragon handles the BBQ, by the way.) And yet, somehow, LaFevre will always have to deal with people, in some respect. That’s not a bad thing, mind you. Gotta stay connected somehow. Then there’s the irony of it all that he lives in San Francisco, a peninsula. Go figger.

#51 - Uncharitable

Bob Hope once said, “If you haven’t any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble”. Truedat. I never liked the fact that corporations get recognized with plaques and things name after them, when they write off their tax-deductible donations. That’s not charity. Charity is giving and not accepting a receipt for it. Volunteering is a form of charity. People get recognized for that, too. I suppose that’s okay, since you’re not accepting any gifts, monetary or otherwise, unless you are, which doesn’t count. It’s nice to be recognized once in awhile, although you run the risk of being classified hypocritical. Then again, maybe your time and energy are better spent elsewhere.

Pubic Storage, 1990 - an excerpt from "My Chequered Life" (LaFevre's autobiography)

Living with Mom and Bro in Hayward. Everything I own in storage. Public Storage, the old Bekins building across from the old Sears, at Geary and Masonic, three blocks away from the place I was evicted from (SF). The management team was a married couple. This was common with all of the Public Storage sites throughout the SF Bay Area. He was a country bumpkin from the Midwest, her, a rocker chick. Dead-on twin of Donna Dixon.

Unbeknownst to me, they were in the market for a third party to liven up their sex life. So, they sort of screened me. It was really her choice, as long as he approved. The physical part was easy, since that’s where the process started. Personality was a factor. Passed that with flying colors. Then the bomb dropped. “How would feel about…” Definitely out of left field. The only rule: If you feel yourself falling in love or getting attached, it’s over. Cool beans, baby. Hey, I was a Gemini. No problem disconnecting the emotional aspect of the situation.

What followed, lasted for a year and half. Once a month, sometimes twice, I would stay the weekend. The living quarters were attached to the office. Public Storage facilities always had living quarters adjacent to the office, since living on the premises was part of the deal with Public Storage. It was a two-bedroom setup. Since their bedroom was off limits, as their space, the way of keeping it physical only entailed the husband dragging a mattress to the living room. All the more convenient, as adult films were also the order of the day. And we had fun. There were never any hassles. No hang-ups. No weird entanglements.

There was one odd scenario, though, that I was able to alleviate, thanks to quick thinking and spontaneous wit; and the wife reading it the same. At a break in our all-night session, he left for the video store. He was taking too long and I just couldn’t wait, and initiated a session with the wife. She was happy to comply. Then I heard the truck pull up. You’d think I learned my lesson before with the Nikki situation (caught with a married woman). This seemed different, though (huh?).

So I attempted to stop midstream, and she said, “No, don’t. He’ll think you’re being sneaky behind his back”. No shit, Sherlock. I complied, and kept pounding. He walks in the door, sees us in the middle of action and says, “What?! You couldn’t wait for me?”. I countered, “Well shit, you were taking too long. Pop the tape in and get your ass down here.” That’s all it took and he never gave it a second thought. She gave me a smile and a wink. The gift of gab. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve talked my way out of situations, physical and psychological.

They ended up moving back to the Midwest. For years, riding with friends who knew the story, when driving past the location, would always say, “Hey Dan. Look. It’s ‘Pubic Storage’! I took it in stride. After all, I was the one, and the rest were jealous. Heh.

#50 - Star Wars Revisited

Darth Vader: "Join me, my son, and we’ll rule the galaxy together, as father and son. The Emperor has foreseen this."
LaFevre: "Hell yeah, Pops. Let’s destroy the Emperor right now so we can get started on the galaxy immediately."

#49 - Adult Mathematics

Numbers lesson for today: How often are you asked when going to the restroom, #1 or #2? LaFevre knows. Tell them #3. Huh? Well, it does make sense. #1 is liquid, #2 is solid. But if you’re dropping a solid, you’re also doing the liquid. 1+2=3. Get it? No wait, I have a better idea – #1 is liquid, #2 can stay solid (plus liquid), and #3 can be the other liquid. “Hey honey, here comes #3”!

#48 - SqueakSpeak

That’s LaFevre’s name for the language of the hand truck. It’s a simple language. Basically, it’s the same phrase over and over – GET OUTTA MY WAY – I’M COMING THROUGH!!!

#47 - A Living Cell

Or is that hell? Should be. Funny word, huh? Especially with the vastly different meanings, one has to wonder why it is used one way when it is used in other ways, with no relation. Must drive other cultures crazy trying to learn our language. LaFevre supposes one should start at the beginning, with the first human “cell” (you knew that was coming). Next, we join a terrorist “cell”. Then we make a phone call on our “cell” to our associates overseas. And lastly, our phone is tapped, and we end up in a “cell”. LaFevre’s axiom on ‘cellfishness’ (another addition to LaFevre’s Dictionary on Contemporary Terms: “no one goes anywhere without their cell; but in a cell, you can’t go anywhere.” Classic.

Monday, September 22, 2008

#46 - Origin Of The Bump

No, not the 70’s dance craze, I’m talking about the new handshake that has swept the nation. Some say it was created in the hood, as are many things that have gone on to mainstream popularity. Others say it was due out of necessity, considering the amount of germs carried in the palm. LaFevre believes it started elsewhere, and out of necessity. One time, someone was carrying bags in both hands, maybe groceries, who knows, and ran into a friend. He didn’t want to set everything down just to shake hands, so he extended his fist, bag in hand, for the bump. The rest, as they say, is history. And the benefit over the handshake and another possible origin: while handshakes are limited to the right hand, the bump works with both hands.

LaFevre retorts...

You may think you're hot shit on a silver platter; but you're really cool diahrrea on a paper plate.

#45 - Priceworthyness

What exactly is the difference between priceless and worthless? Depends on who you ask. Theoretically, and this comes from the rich obviously, priceless means the value is so high, you can’t put a price on it and worthless has no value. Technically, they’re both the same. If you keep something, it’s priceless, no matter what the value; if you throw it out, it is worthless, but still may have value to another. Remember: ‘one man’s junk is another man’s gem’ and ‘everything you own is priceless’. If you never plan to sell it, it’s priceless to you, but worthless, if it’s never sold. A true paradox.

#44 - The Break Up Song

Ever wonder why people break up? I don’t need specifics. It’s like the purpose of WD-40. It loosens what’s tight that’s suppose to be loose, and tightens what’s loose what’s suppose to be tight. Literally. So, why the split? Either they did something you didn’t like, or you did something they didn’t like. It would work out if both would compromise, but somehow, one always wants the other to sacrifice. And sacrifice is slavery. But hey, some like being tied up.

#43 - Penny For Your Thoughts

LaFevre’s First Law of Money: Someone once said, “See a penny, pick it up; and all the day you’ll have good luck”. Well, LaFevre says: if you leave it there for someone else to pick up and receive the luck, you’ve earned the luck as well for your good deed of passing on the luck. On the other hand, a penny saved is worthless anyway.

#42 - I Got Answers

You got questions, LaFevre has answers. “Okay, what’s the answer to this?” “I don’t know.” “I thought you had answers?” “I don’t know” IS an answer. Now go away kid, you bother me.”

#41 - Cat Fancy

LaFevre fails to understand why declawing is considered cruel and spaying/neutering is not. LaFevre hears one is “for the good of the community” and the other is “cruel and selfish punishment”. Not in LaFevre’s book. LaFevre speaks for the cats when he says, “Keep away from me with those clippers”. Both are cruel. Spaying/neutering is simply the human way of population control. Funny story: LaFevre’s first cat was declawed, but not spayed/neutered. Original owner was obviously “cixelsyd”.

Tiger Claw says...

To air is human; to wail, devine.

#40 - Balk Matter

LaFevre’s definition of a balk – a bullshit walk. Cuz that’s what it is. A free pass. Furthermore, LaFevre is invoking the new LaFevre “Balk Rule” here. You cannot go home on a balk. You can go to first, second or third, but not home. That run has to be earned. This isn’t Monopoly, folks. Do not pass HOME. Do not collect RBI.

#39 - One For The Ages

Isn’t it a little unnerving when people ask you to guess their age? Next time, do what LaFevre does: ask them which one. LaFevre narrowed it to 3. The age you are, the age you look, and the age you act. Subtract 10 years from each to get the next one down. (ie. LaFevre is 46, looks 36, and acts 26, but only on occasion.)

#38 - Talk The Talk

Ever wonder what people are talking about when they talk to themselves? LaFevre doesn’t. He’s too busy thinking. Yes, talking to yourself is thinking out loud. Could be about anything. My guess is, the majority of the time, it’s about something you should or could have said or done, or what you’re going to say or do. Talk about thinking too hard. And a cause of headaches, for sure. Of course, if you hear someone respond, who isn’t there, seek help immediately.

#37 - Self High Five

The next time you’re feeling down, remember LaFevre’s High Five for Life: If you have: 1) your health, 2) a job, 3) a home, 4) food on the table and 5) change in your pocket, give your self a high-five. Not everyone has all 5, and anything more is icing on the cake.

#36 - Peace O' Cake

Peace is a misnomer. Wasn’t always. Everyone used to want peace. Well, the more peace was sought, the more we went to war. So peace is no more. Going to war to keep the peace. How paradoxical, and poetic. What everyone wants now is not peace, but “a” piece. A piece of everything. That’s my peace.

LaFevre retorts...

Sarcasm is just one of the many services I provide.

#35 - Dumb & Dumber

People play dumb all the time. Many are simply dumb. That’s why it’s up to you to decide. One way is test them. If they’re playing dumb, they’ll eventually give up when tested. If they’re just dumb, you’ll know quickly. LaFevre realized if you find out immediately they’re playing dumb, just ask them this question, and they’ll never do it again: “Are you playing dumb, or are you just plain dumb?” More often than not, they end up bewildered by the quote, more than anything.

#34 - Outline Management

Outlining used to mean showcasing, highlighting or accenting something to gain or draw attention. Not anymore. Thanks to LaFever, “outline” has another meaning. What do you do if you’ve outlined something and decide you don’t want it outlined anymore? Well, you outline it. Seriously, whatever you use, whether it’s whiteout, cover-up tape, or one of those handheld outline removal instruments (another Fevism?), you can now “outline” the outline. You heard it here first, folks.

#33 - In It To Win It

Some say “It’s not whether you win or lose but how you played the game”. Others say “Winning isn’t everything; it’s the only thing”. LaFever says: Winning comes first, but if you lose, how you played the game will determine if you’ve done so gracefully.

#32 - I Fought The Law

Follow the laws of science and nature. They are the laws of the universe and won’t let you down. Man-made laws, on the other hand, are made to be broken. They were created by authority as a control mechanism in the guise of safety. They know what’s safe for you better than you do. Don’t believe the hype; but also, try not to get caught.

#31 - Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Someone once said, “There are no silly questions, only silly answers”. This is because we give the questioner the benefit of the doubt. LaFevre thinks there’s a fine line between silly questions and stupid questions. Ask a stupid question and you deserve whatever answer you get.

Tiger Claw says...

Your air guitar is no good.

#30 - Start to Finish

LaFevre says: “I don’t start shit, I fini(sh)it.”

#29 - Eat The Sand, Which Is mine

Have you ever noticed when someone asks, or you offer, a bite of your sandwich, they take it from the middle, leaving you with the rim or crust? Solution: After the request, take a bite out of the middle, THEN extend the sandwich. Most likely, they will decline. If they do, call them on it for trying to take the heart out of your sandwich. If they smirk, tell them to “Bite Me”.

#28 - Don't Try This At Home

When you do something such as putting your feet up on the desk or table, and someone asks you, “Do you do that at home?”, don’t answer. It’s a trick question. If you say yes, they’ll tell you, “Well, this isn’t your home”. If you say no, they’ll tell you, “Then why do it here?” Lafevre’s solution: keep your feet down. It’s disrespectful, no matter what you do.

#27 - The Petty Principle

As petty as some things may seem, you have to make a stand on principle. But if the principle is not worth it, or petty in itself, then it’s petty overall, after all.

#26 - Our FourFathers

The four fathers of authority are: Dad, your teacher, your boss, and the Law. Questioning authority tests the system, but never lie. They already know the answer, and ask questions that were not part of your original lie. It's the stuff you make up along the way they catch you on. Without fail.

#25 - Sucka-Free Zone

If there’s a sucker born every minute, there’s an idiot twin following right behind.

#24 - Spot Reduction

As far as the body is concerned, they say you can’t spot-reduce.
But if you’ve only got one spot left to reduce, how can the body refuse?!

#23 - Coffee Mug Shot

It’s unfortunate about “coffee mugs”. No one knows what to get people, so they get them coffee mugs. Everyone uses one mug for their coffee, and the rest are on the shelf. Some get creative and use them for pens and other miscellaneous desk accessories. LaFevre wonders how many coffee mugs are broken in transit everyday. Or in the office. Or on purpose. Who drinks out of a mug with a corporate name on it anyway?! LaFevre knows. One who knows it’s gonna break eventually, that’s who.

#22 - Chuck E. Cheese Whiz

If a friend named Chuck…drank too much…how much…would this Chuck…upchuck?

#21 - Eye Of The Beholder

LaFevre works in a position where not just what he hears, but what he sees, is confidential. So it goes that not only does it go in one ear and out the other, it also goes in one eye and out the other.

#20 - Sleep Tight

Sleep is a valuable commodity these days. We could all use a little extra sleep. But if you are going to lose any sleep over something, it is important that it is lost over your own affairs rather than someone else’s. So…goodnight, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite!

#19 - Tiger Style

Lions are cool, but Tigers rule! No one puts a lion in their tank; they put a tiger in there. Who goes by “lion” for a nickname (hey, tiger, whatcha doin)? Ain’t no lions in kung fu; but there’s a tiger style (one of the five shaolin animals), and then there’s Hung Gar (tiger/crane style) and Fu Jow Pai (tiger claw style). You’ve got Lions and Tigers teams, both from Detroit, ironically. Currently, the Tigers are the better team. In all sports. Then there’s the Bengals. Consequently, lions are not kings of the jungle; tigers are. There are no lions in the jungle. They prowl on the prairie, the Serengeti; not the jungle. So it goes, Tiger is king. (By the way, LaFevre is a tiger sign.)

#18 - Rain Or Shine

You can’t win. Upon hearing of a chance for rain, we don our raincoats and umbrellas and proceed to our destination. If it didn’t rain, after removing all the extra clothing, we’re now wet from perspiration. Damned if you do…for sure.

#17 - 20' Guns

LaFevre has often been told upon hearing about his background in the martial arts, “All the kung fu in the world won’t stop a gun.” Agreed. Then again, LaFevre says, “But if you want to stop me, you’d better have a gun!”

#16 - High Tides

Full moon = unusual, unruly, screwy behavior. Not to worry. Nothing otherworldly going on here, except the moon. Think about it: when the moon is full, the tides are high; and chaotic. Why? The gravitational forces at work. So it’s only natural that the full moon would have the same effect on us. The earth is 70% water. The human body is 70% water. What more do you need? Or want? Thirsty anyone? Go with the flow.

#15 - No Misunderstanding

For those who understand him, no explanation is necessary; for those who don’t, no explanation will do.

#14 - No Control

LaFevre on LaFevre #1:you can’t control him; you can only hope to contain him.

#13 - Lucky 13

Originally, this was a dupe with #20. So it was deleted. But, there’s always a fevism in there somewhere, even it’s intended to not be. On the 13th, GOD said to LaFevre, take the day off. It’s the day after your birthday, when you should take it off. So LaFevre will, and do/did. Who is LaFevre to argue. Looks like today is LaFevre’s lucky day.

#12 - Expect The Best

LaFevre doesn’t live up to your expectations. He lives above and beyond your expectations. Expect no less.

#11 - iPoD

Or, as LaFevre likes to say, “In Process of Deterioration”, because that’s what’s happening. Not just to your ears, but to society in general. Weird, ain’t it? The more advanced we become technologically as a society, the more we isolate ourselves from that society. What LaFevre likes to do is say hello to someone with an iPOD, and when they take that plug out of their ears to hear what was said, attempting to make me feel guilty for doing so, LaFevre lip-synchs it.

#10 - Hang-Ups

Most people feel guilty about hanging up on solicitors. Try LaFevre’s way: pull the phone away from your ear for 5 seconds. 5 seconds is all it takes to fuggetaboutit. “Hey, they’re gone.” Click.

#9 - Feel The Pain

If you want LaFevre to feel your pain, hit him. Otherwise, he don’t want to hear it. Humans share their pain to get attention and sympathy and use it as an excuse to not do something or get out of doing what they’re supposed to be doing. And we allow it. You don’t see that in the animal community. Show pain and you’re prey. If the animals could think, they would draw cartoons mocking us. Painful, yes, and funny and funny at the same time.

#8 - Fukin-Gruvin

LaFevre misnomer. Volkswagen. Wait, it’s not a wagon. It’s a car that looks like a bug, which is why they call it a Beetle. Then there’s the Volkswagen van, which is a contradiction. It’s a van, not a wagon. Then you have the Volkswagon wagon, which is a redundancy. Talk about bastardization of the English language. So much for German engineering. LaFevre is still struggling for a new name here. More like fukin-confuzin!

#7 - Por Favor

Favors. Overused and meaningless. You know. Like “I’m sorry”. It means you need something immediately that you forgot to do and now you need someone else’s help. Unfortunately, it’s used so often, it’s lost its value. Well, LaFevre doesn’t do favors. Unless you’re prepared to return the favor whenever that time comes.

LaFevre keeps a favor bank log. And just for fun, LaFevre likes to say NO when asked for a favor. “Can you do me a favor? NO. Why not? Because I don’t do favors. But I haven’t asked the favor yet. I know. That way, I won’t be made to feel guilty and sympathetic to your lack of planning, necessitating a favor on my part. The name’s LaFevre, not LaFavor.”

#6 - LaFevre Was Here

It is commonplace with a last name such as LaFevre to wonder how it is pronounced or spelled. LaFevre is/was my birth mother’s maiden name, whom I’ve never met. So, I can pretty much pronounce and spell it however I want, although records show it as being spelled ‘LaFever’, possibly, ‘La Fever’. LaFevre doesn’t like spaces, so that was eliminated. LaFevre also reversed the ending to add a bit of flair. After all, LaFevre thrives on excitement, and unpredictability.

The one exception is when LaFevre is on the move. “When LaFevre is not here, LaFever is there; and that’s because Savoir LaFevre (pronounced La Fair) is everywhere.” No coincidence as well, this is #6. "6" is LaFevre's number. Birth (6/12), weight (6', 12"), time (6:12am). All on the birth cert. Booyah.

#5 - ThumBlades

Those long thumbnails you see on people. Usually designated as being related to guitar players, and not for the reason you think. They are not used to pluck the strings, as they would break the nail. No, no, no. They are strictly aesthetic, to distinguish guitar players from other musicians. That was LaFevre’s initial intent back in 1980. But as time went on, they became a useful tool in administrative circles. Blades, if you will; such as opening boxes, breaking seals, removing staples, picking things up off of counters, etc. And, if need be, to break a handshake or ripping flesh and gouging eyes. Of course, for self-defense only (nudge wink). Tiger style.

#4 - Winterns

There are summer interns and there are winter interns, but winter interns don’t roll so well, so LaFevre has created a new term: winterns. Write it down for future use.

#3 – Air Guitar Supremacy

LaFevre already is what his quest was to be; not “until his quest is achieved”.

#3 – Why Do We Shiver When We Pee?

Good question for which LaFevre has the answer. When you empty your bladder, depending on how much, you exhibit a sudden drop in body temperature, albeit maybe only one or two degrees, but that’s all it takes. Just like a gust of wind that passes by, and all of a sudden, for a fraction of a second, you’re now a couple degrees colder than you were a second ago, causing a shiver. It’s the same when you pee. For a fraction of a second, your body temperature changes, and you shiver.

#1 - Week Ends

This is a misspelled word. Actually, Friday is the ‘week end’. Saturday and Sunday is the weakened, because after 5 days of work, by Saturday, we are ‘weakened’. Besides, according to the Gregorian calendar, Sunday is the first day of the week, not Monday, which is the first day of the ‘work’ week. Technically, Saturday would be the ‘week end’, as Friday is actually the ‘work week end’. You follow. Now I’m weakened.

Fevism Introduction

Welcome to my world. Hopefully, it will become a part of your world. LaFevre's collection of wisdom, on a variety of subjects. Nothing is taboo, and everything is subject to brutal truth. The collection actually began back in 2006. Made into a book, as well. The only problem is having to continually print new books as fevisms are created. It was a natural progression to list them in a weblog format. Should have from the beginning, but as always, one never knows when something like this is going to take off and turn out to be a hit with the masses. Of course, taking years to catch up with the 21st century is definitely a factor.

Add to that, a sprinkling of LaFevre retorts, Tiger Claw sayings, LaFevre props, and excerpts from LaFevre's own autobiography, "My Chequered Life", which you'll find exciting, if not, provocative.

Comments are encouraged. Contact information: danlafever@comcast.net

So sit back, click, and enjoy. We're going global...for the world to see...from a certain point of view.