Thursday, December 31, 2009

#191 - DominoMyGod

After two decades of seeing Domino’s Pizza commercials, if finally dawned on LaFevre. OK, so some things take a little longer to see. But after watching the latest commercial advertising their new pizza after decades of selling ketchup-covered cardboard, it became obvious why they sucked. At the same time, he finds it amazing they’ve stayed in business this long.

Furthermore, LaFevre finds it odd that he’s never heard anyone mention this. Check the logo. It’s a domino. Look at the numbers. 1 & 2. That, my friends, in the dice world, is CRAPS.

Friday, December 18, 2009

LaFever retorts...


Name the 4 seasons...salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

What is a planet? A body of earth surrounded by sky.

What major disease is associated with cigarettes? Premature death.

What does "varicose" mean? Nearby.

What is a "caesarian section"? A district in Rome.

What does "benign" mean? It is what you'll be after you be eight.

Give an example of a fungus. What is its characteristic feature?
Mushrooms. They grow in damp places and is why they look like umbrellas.

How is dew formed? The sun shines on leaves, making them perspire.

#190 - Sunglasses At Night

LaFevre likes lighter wear during the day, not just for the obvious reason of sunlight reflection, and darker wear at night, to not draw attention to himself. Unfortunately, it goes against the norm to dress dark at night, when out and about, based on the theory drivers can’t see you. Point taken.

LaFevre’s exception to the rule? No matter what LaFevre wears at night, if he walks out into the street, to cross a street, he will look at any vehicle coming up in the vicinity. Why? Because he’s white. The face, along with the moving hands, should be a dead giveaway.

But LaFevre is also prepared, because if the driver doesn’t see him, it isn’t because he was in dark clothing, it is because the driver wasn’t paying attention. And LaFevre is more than ready to do an aikido roll across your hood and up over your windshield, without sustaining any serious injury, and taking you to the bank, for a DWI (Driving While Idiot).

#189 - I Know Nothing, I Know Nothing

I miss Sgt. Schultz. Hogan’s Heroes was one of my 3 all-time faves (along with #3 – Mash, and #1 – Wild Wild West). I’ve also read in Eastern Philosophy scriptures penned by grandmasters and old philosophers how they know nothing, when they actually know more than most. Humbling, no? Yes? I realized the same thing one night, as I do other times, when it takes an extra-long time to get to sleep. No epiphany. No revelation. Just a realization. But always based on a recent experience, as always.

“No matter how much I’ve done, or how long I’ve been doing it, what I know through what I’ve learned, is still nothing, compared to what I don’t know, and have yet to learn.”

#188 - Knowledge Is Power

The more time you dedicate to learning, assimilating, and realizing the truths of a particular subject, the more simple and less complicated it becomes, resulting in even lesser time determining what follows is true, and what is untrue.

#187 - Meat Market Collisions

Fevisms appear out of the blue, from left field, by way of inspiration, observation, or by total plagiaration (made up on the spot to keep in rhyme, another fevism?); but there are a select few that not only deserve credit for not just their inspiration, but their contribution, and receive credit in the process. Hey, LaFevre’s integrity is at steak (pun intended). What follows is a really cool analogy based on a conversation with a good friend, AA, aka A-Ron the esquire, who likened the unfortunate incident of an automobile accident, to a piece of meat. T-Bone.

T-Bone – Getting hit in the side, in a perpendicular fashion.
NY Strip – obviously, a side-swipe, as in, trading paint.
Flank/Rump Roast – uh, a rear-end job. Duh.
Rib-Eye/Porterhouse/Ground – the head-on collision

Note: Obviously, the head-on is the worst, where no one survives. Originally called Rib-Eye, since the eyes are up front, but then changed to Porterhouse, for the sheer size of the cut, or severity of damage, but then, Ground, as a metaphor for the end result. In this case, there is no cheeseburger in paradise.

Disclaimer: the use of the fevism number of 187 (police code for murder/death/kill) and the context of the subject matter, that being, the morbidity of vehicular collisions, is strictly coincidental.

#186 - High Expectations

There are needs, and then there are wants. Pretty cut’n’dry. The difference is the path. Do you expect, or simply request? When needs aren’t met, there is sorrow. When wants aren’t met, there is anger. But you have to ask yourself: are you expecting, or requesting? We’ve forgotten our place. You can request to have a need fulfilled, or a want fulfilled. But in the end, all you can do is request. Expecting, in and of itself, is selfish.

The solution: don’t expect. Request. If the need is not filled, call back later. If a want is not filled, deal and live with it. But everyone has an advantage, sorta. You may not get what you need, or what you want, but if you get anything, be happy with what you got. And if what you got was what you hoped for, not just what you wanted, because what you wanted and what you hoped for, were the difference between living or simply surviving, you’re ahead of the game. But even more important, after the fact: don’t just say thank you, but remember what was done for you. It’s not someone else’s job to remind you, it’s your job to remember.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Tiger Claw says...

He saw a sign in the local music store once: Out Chopin, Bach in a minuet.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

#185 - The Wayback Machine

Is it LaFevre, or do the bicycles of yesteryear have it backwards?? Guy bikes had the straight bar, gal bikes, the curved-downward bars. Uh, must have been designed by a dude. Crossing the leg over the seat was the macho thing to do, while sliding the leg inside the bar, was the girly thing to do. Too bad it was the opposite of what was practical. Huh??

Any guy will tell you they wish that straight bar wasn’t there. Why? Every guy who has ever rode a bike, has slipped off the pedals, and crushed his nuts on that straight bar. Blunt, yes. But also, painful. Should’ve been designed the other way around. Maybe that’s why all bikes today utilize that straight bar. Women’s equality, you say? I don’t think so. What’s bad for the goose, is bad for the gander.

#184 - Phone Manners

Ever notice when people are speaking in conversations, or giving speeches or lectures, they often use hand mannerisms to accentuate certain points in the conversation? If so, then why do people do the same thing when talking on the phone?

#183 - Riddle Me This

Zen riddles for today: Since most sports are seasonal by nature, does that mean all fans are fair-weather fans? And isn’t it amazing, hilarious, and pretty hella funny that the word “tissue” sounds like a sneeze?

#182 - Dreamscape

Here’s a fevism on how to alter a dream, if you cannot change the dream altogether. Or worse, nightmare. LaFevre was having a nightmare, being chased by zombies. LaFevre loves vampires, but hates zombies. He woke up several times, and went back to sleep. If you do that too soon, you go right back into the same dream/nightmare.

So LaFevre thought, how do I turn a bad dream into a good dream. Cut a deal with the cutest zombie girl. “I’ll let you eat my brains if you jump on me and ride for the duration.” Needless to say, I fell asleep, and no dream. Obviously the deep sleep stage before you have to get up when the alarm goes off. Always happens. The best part: LaFevre woke up with a woody.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

#181 - The Loser's Cup

“Take this cup, fill it up, and bring it back to me.” Drug tests. Oh, the hypocrisy of it all. Don’t get LaFevre wrong. It serves a purpose. In any job that involves the safety and security of the general public, or employees of all local, state and federal government agencies, it has its place.

Here’s the problem: You indulge on a Friday night, whether it’s a couple joints, a few lines, a hit of this, a gram of that, or whatever. In bed by 2am, or 4am, maybe 5am, ok 6am (LaFevre was adamant about retiring by 6:12am, his time of birth, felt waking up before the sun rises, was like missing a day), after 7-8, ok, 10 hours of sleep, you wakeup, clean, albeit with a headache, or a hangover. But you ain’t high no more. So you abstain until Monday morning. If you take a test, you’ll still come up positive. How unfair is that.

The problem is, how does an employer know if someone is drunk or high now, or from the night before? Currently, if an accident happens, and you’re tested, and come up positive, you’re busted. Even if you were clean and sober when the accident occurred.

Reality check: the agencies test for residue, not the active ingredients. The active ingredients wear off, leaving only a residue. This is the 21st century. It’s high time (pun intended) we devise a test that will determine active ingredients present, not residue.

LaFevre retorts...

BIOMECHANICS - Why yawning is contagious: we yawn to equalize the pressure on our eardrums. This pressure change outside our eardrums unbalances other peoples' eardrum pressures, so they yawn to equalize their pressure. And it crosses species lines. You'll yawn when your dog or cat does, and vice versa. Don't fight it.

#180 - Bloodline

Not just a new term, but a new term for a new drink. LaFevre’s own concoction. It’s called a “bloodboiler”. This is a 50/50 mixture of champagne and red wine. Red wine is dark enough as it is, so the addition of champagne gives it a more “blood red” appearance. The champagne also carbonates the drink, with bubbles floating to the top; hence, boiling blood.

LaFevre came up with this generic version, but has his own brand name for a specific mix. It’s called “Dragon’s Blood”. Obviously, out of love for the dragon. Champagne and Merlot. Why Merlot, and not Pinot Noir or Cabernet? Because Merlot is LaFevre for “Merlin”. And the dragon is the pet of the sorcerer. As if you had to ask…

#179 - What Colorful Roots

In the beginning, there was black, the absence of all color, like space. Then came white, the combination of all colors. Then came color. Broken down from light, which contains all the colors, on different frequencies. The rainbow is the prime example of this, as light interacts with our atmosphere, showing all the colors of the spectrum. This is why the sky is blue, since you’ve always wondered, but never asked. Blue is the lowest frequency, which is the only one our atmosphere allows through.

So we start with the primary colors: red, yellow and green. Next are the intermediate (secondary) colors, as represented by the combination of 2 of each of the primary colors, in a 1:1 ratio: orange (red/yellow), green (yellow/blue), and purple (red/blue). Other colors come in different ratios of the primary colors (pink, brown).

But almost all colors today are represented by one of three categories, floral (flowers), citrus (fruit) and vegetation. What’s LaFevre’s point: All of these new colors, these hybrid colors, are based on materials that grow out of the ground, or grow on that which grows out of the ground. And so it goes, LaFevre points out that the “roots” of all these new colors that originate from the ground, are red, yellow and blue, and their intermediate counterparts, orange, green and purple.

Next time you’re at the supermarket, go to the produce section. Be sure and where your “rose”-colored glasses.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

#178 - Wishful Thinking

More of same ole quick wits LaFevre wishes he came up with. LaFevre can attest to the fact that everything nowadays is pretty much rehashed, copied, plagiarized, etc. He does it, too, but alters it to improve upon, but credits the source, and only takes credit for the alteration. Thank you.

Props here go to the original Hollywood Squares regulars, from back in the day, when the same people occupied the same squares, rather than today, where celebrities change on a weekly basis. None of them, nada, zilch, can hold a candle to the square-holders of yesteryear – Paul Lynde, Charlie Weaver, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Wally Cox, Joanne Worley, Arte Johnson, Charo, and later, George Gobel, Joan Rivers, Phyllis Diller, Don Rickles, Buddy Hackett, and my favorite, impressionist, Rich Little. Cue Peter Marshall, on the wayback machine:

Which of your 5 senses tends to diminish as you get older?
My sense of decency.

Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
Only after lights out.

It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

What are the two things you should never do in bed?
Point and laugh.

What are “dual-purpose” cattle good for, that other cattle aren’t?
They give milk AND cookies, but I don’t recommend the cookies.

And the classic Paul Lynde’s immediate response, without any hesitation, to the question, “What should you do if your pajamas catch on fire?”
“Slow down.”

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

#177 - The Lucky Seven

The dreaded “seven deadly sins”. At least according to Catholics. LaFevre is now wondering if there is a similar group in Judaism and Islamic circles. No matter. LaFevre would like to share his personal interpretation of the seven deadly sins, as they relate to his world.

LUST – Glad you had fun. Are you ready for round 2?
GLUTTONY – Please sir, may I have some more?
SLOTH – What’s your hurry? Relax. You’ll live longer.
PRIDE – Often imitated; never duplicated.
GREED – No. There’s not enough to go around. Go find your own.
ENVY – Dream on, Bullwinkle.
WRATH – It’ll be the last thing you ever do!

Saturday, August 29, 2009

That's So Juvenie, 1991 - an excerpt from My Chequered Life, the LaFevre Autobiography

The beginning of the end for the Crazy 80’s happened towards the end of 1990. All came crashing down. And I had the best intentions. The order of the universe couldn’t care less. Radio was over. Work was during evenings and weekends. The icing would come in the form of two kids from the neighborhood. They lived two blocks up the street from the SFJCC. I lived five blocks in another direction. The girl was 16, the boy, 12. The girl was a fan of ‘metal’, as I was. We talked on occasion, in the neighborhood.

Then one day on my way to the college station, KUSF, where I was donating my time for radio production services, I ran into them on the bus. They asked to tag along and did. At the station, they had pizza and beer. I gave them a slice and sips from my beer. After the meeting was over, they asked if they could come home with me. They told me they had run away from home. I told them if I let them stay over, it would be ‘harboring a fugitive’. But there was a higher purpose, as defined by my next comment. I told them they could stay over, to keep them off the street, but they would have to leave in the morning, since I had to go to work. Agreed.

A week later, I got a call from the juvenile authorities. I went down to the precinct to answer questions. I answered truthfully, throwing in the reasons why, which I always thought, helped, as a matter of circumstance. I was told if a warrant were issued for further investigation, I would be called. Sure enough, I got the message on my machine. As it turned out, they were under foster care, and not real brother and sister. Furthermore, it was the foster parents who were pressing charges. To keep from getting punished, most likely, they dropped the dime on me. After everything I had done for them. The charge: contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Huh? They only had a couple sips (of beer). And I kept them off the street. And safe.

Didn’t matter. I was being evicted anyway. Wasn’t a warrant I could be arrested for in any other county, due to expense of paperwork and transportation. I certainly was reminded of the warrant on three separate occasions in different parts of the Bay Area. Finally, I got pulled over in SF. I knew the routine. Handcuffed and transported to the local precinct (Northern Station). Next stop, Hall of Justice. Released on OR (own recognizance).

I was ordered to appear in court to answer the charges. Six times. See, each time, the Assistant District Attorney didn’t have paperwork (or so he said) and was not up to speed on the details. One of the excuses was that they couldn’t find the minors to get their side of the story. I immediately approached the Public Defender. “Hey, this is bullshit. They’re foster kids. Wards of the State. That means they’re in the database. Look it up. Find them. Or drop the case for lack of evidence.” He could tell I was frustrated, and for good reason. After a discussion with the ADA, they offered a no-contest plea, and 25 hours of community service. I just wanted it to end, so I agreed. Turns out, there was a $180.00 administrative fee attached to the service. Fucking shit. Never paid it, though. Didn’t even finish the 25 hours. Of course, that meant it would go back to warrant. I was issued a court date. I remember it vividly. It was set for a Sunday. Didn’t make sense. Got up anyway. 8am. Sunday. Nothing scheduled, of course. Blew it off.

For the sake of continuity, we’ll finish the details here, even though they occur five years later. Pulled over and arrested for this outstanding warrant. Another overnight stay. Cool part was, as a bunch of detainees were led from the main cell to a processing area, names were called, and accompanied by a deputy to their respective courts. My name came up, alone. Escorted by two deputies. The looks in my direction were like, “Whoa, what the fuck did he do?”, and an immediate air of respect from everyone. The deputies were cool. Turns out, one of them went to my high school.

In the waiting room, the public defender comes in. I tell him the whole story from the beginning. He’s amazed at the attention-to-detail of my recall as if it happened the day before yesterday. He responds, “Funny you should mention the Sunday, and the date, because according to my records, you were scheduled for Monday.” I told him if he wanted to see the paperwork, I could produce it. They dropped the case with the remainder of the community hours dismissed for time served. What a fucking nightmare.

This is why no one helps anyone anymore, and chooses not to get involved. And that sucks. I'd do it all over again, but obviously, a little bit differently.

#175 - Who Is Tiger Claw?

Tiger Claw…
…is an ancient Chinese secret…is what the cat dragged in…is hotter than the hammers of hell…won’t make it to heaven anytime soon…likes it medium-rare…is really a dragon, trapped in a tiger body…does twice the work, in half the time, when he feels like it…knows what you’re going to do, before you even think of it…is Cajun for grandmaster…is cage-free, loves the earth, but is not of this earth…fears not what he does, but what he is capable of doing…knows without knowing, acts without thinking, and speaks without reserve…and is all of the above, yet nothing what you thought, all at the same time, but in no particular order.

Friday, August 28, 2009

#174 - The Business Of Business

As I was showing someone a piece of personal business, another asked in jest, “Is that work-related?” “Of course it is. This was done on a copier here at work. Everything I do here at work, I consider work-related.” After a snicker, they were speechless, of course. LaFevre figured it was worthless on their part to go any further. Resistance is futile.

#173 - WTF?!

Geez, I tell ya, my God, the things I gotta do…
to pass the time!

#172 - Blue In The Face

When people dive, they usually use breathing apparatus. There’s snorkeling, and then deep-sea diving with tanks. LaFevre has a term for when you’re just holding your breath, most common in backyard swimming pools, but called “free-diving” in other waters. Add this to the Dictionary: “smurfing”.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

#171 - Mocha Java, Mon

We all know the "classical" mocha is steamed milk, espresso and cocoa. The cheaper version made in the office kitchen, coffee and hot chocolate, is called a "ghetto" mocha. But LaFevre has his own version. The "iron" mocha. That would be coffee, and chocolate-flavored protein powder. When you lift that cup, feel the pump, and enjoy the protein shakes.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

LaFevre Retorts...

Airplane Witticisms:

Flying isn't dangerous; crashing is what's dangerous.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

When in doubt, hold on to your altitude.
No one ever collided with the sky.

It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there,
than it is to be up there wishing you were down there.

There are OLD pilots, and there are BOLD pilots.
There are, however, no OLD, BOLD pilots.

#170 - Prison Yard Blues

We’ve all heard of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Well, after watching a prison special on The Discovery Channel, LaFevre came up with a new title, based on an old one.

“Lifestyles of the Bitch and Infamous”

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

#169 - It's In The Bag

Ever notice when people drink an alcoholic beverage in public, it’s in a paper bag? 100% of the time. Why? To hide the fact it’s an alcoholic beverage, because it’s illegal to drink in public. But by the very fact it’s in a paper bag means it’s an alcoholic beverage. So basically, it’s not fooling anyone. So why does this practice exist?

Nothing zen about this. The purpose of the paper bag isn’t to conceal the beverage while it is being consumed. In reality, the consumption usually takes place when no one is looking, since consumption is also illegal in public, not just possession. The purpose of the bag is to act as a storage unit, to hold at one’s side, hiding the fact it’s an alcoholic beverage.

Yeahhh. As if you’re really fooling anyone.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

#168 - Flying The Friendly Skies

We’ve all heard about the “mile high club”. You could almost say, it’s on a lot of people’s “to-do” list. LaFevre wonders why no one ever mentions the sub-category of this club. As in, “by yourself”. Awwright, stop smirking. LaFevre has a name for it, as if it comes as no surprise. It’s called – “flying solo”. Now you can smirk.

Friday, July 17, 2009

#167 - Garcon, More Coffee

New word added to the LaFevre Dictionary. “Caffiend”. Yeah, I know the spelling is off. Intentional. “Caffeine” is “ei”, but “fiend” is “ie”, which is exactly why the word is spelled with “ie”. To highlight the second syllable, “fiend”. Duh. I shouldn’t have to be ‘splainin’ this. The word itself is self-explanatory. Allllllrighty then. Thank you very much. See ya. Wouldn’t wanna be ya. Bye-bye now. Hey!!! How ‘bout a refill here…

Monday, July 13, 2009

#166 - Info Anonymous

Here’s another LaFevre rant, for the people, but, at the same time, against the people, and sure to piss off a few. It’s what LaFevre does. It’s called a “shoot”. Nothing personal. But you have to admit, he has a point, whether you agree or not. And don’t bother arguing. It’s just one of those things that’s a waste of time to do so.

“Not authorized to speak, but done so, on condition of anonymity.” Excuse me? WTF! Unfortunately, this happens all too often for this simple reason: we, as the public, have a funny way of thinking we're entitled to know, when we're not. And the media exploits this.

So we have people not authorized to tell us what we want to know, telling people who don't have the right to know, but think they do, because somehow they believe it's their job, and responsibility (the media), passing on information they were not entitled to in this first place, to us, the general public, who think they have a right to know, when they don't, because it's none of their goddamn business.

Tiger Claw says:

The art of air guitar begins with the science. If you don't know the moves, and fail to move the fingers, on both hands, it won't matter how many jumps and somersaults you do. You'll still suck.

#165 - Hunger Strike

Starving artists are the future. Their work is on the cutting edge, embraced by a few, and ignored by the masses. But for all intent and purposes, LaFevre believes you don’t have to starve. The starving part is a result of pride and integrity.

If the difference in putting bread on the table is between stealing a Boudin’s empty soup bread-bowl off an outside table before the busboy gets to it, and choosing something from the fridge cuz you could afford to stock it, thanks to the day job, I’ll take the slice of bread, with mayo, and shredded cheese, folded in half, anyday. Then you can go steal that bread-bowl. Anything done on an empty stomach is just asking for trouble.

#164 - Diner's Club

Consumption. Sounds like the item being consumed, is alcohol. Okay, how about feeding. Uhh, sounds more like what animals do, and vampires. I know. Eating. We all do it. A simple action, really. But some highbrow created a term from the word “dinner”. That would be “dining”, or the root of the word, “to dine”, or “eat” (at dinnertime, obviously).

Technically, if you choose to over-analyze, we “eat” breakfast in the morning, and “eat” lunch midday, but “dine” in the evening. So it’s safe to say, “dine” is the root of “dinner”, and reserved for evening-use-only, since “dinner” is the more-social of the three meals. You could even go so far as to say, “dine” is a term created by the restaurant industry, meaning to “go out” for dinner.

LaFevre agrees. To a certain degree. Me thinks we “eat” at home, but “dine” out. Course, it could also be similar to another comparison: the one about men “sweating”, but women “perspire”. The rich dine, in and out, because they can afford it; but the rest of us “reglar folk” eat in, or eat out. After all, L:aFevre has yet to hear anyone say: “Shall we dine at McDonald’s this evening?”

For health reasons, it is often said that the evening meal, being larger than the other two, is the reason for obesity today. Lafevre shares this little quote on the healthy way to eat, as it pertains to “time of day”, with breakfast being the largest meal, to kickstart the day’s metabolism: eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper. (Food for thought – only one meal allows for dessert. Yup, dinner.)

Thursday, July 2, 2009

#163 - Oops, There It Is

“Oops?” Excuse me? WTF?! Here’s a short-and-sweet standard to go by, when using this euphemism. Be warned, though, while it isn’t a double-standard, per se, it IS a double-edged sword, which is dependent on its use in context. Use it sparingly, and away from LaFevre, for fear that his patience may run out. Or worse, his tolerance. Buckle up.

One time or another, we’ve all heard it; we’ve all said it. It’s not so much specifically why and under what circumstances it is said, but more about which side is saying it.

When something happens, and “oops” is dropped, there are two things that determine its outcome. If you screw up, and someone else says “oops”, you’re off the hook, since the other person considers it no big deal. But if you screw up, and YOU say “oops”, it means YOU think it’s no big deal, but everyone else does, whether it is in reality, or not.

#162 - Time's Up

LaFevre only has a certain amount of patience and tolerance. They act synergistically, yet operate independently. When the patience drops to 50%, depending on the circumstances, the tolerance starts to decrease. Eventually, the patience runs out, at which time, there’s very little tolerance left. By that time, a decision has already been made as to what course of action will be taken, the minute the tolerance runs out.

While it may sound scientific on the surface, and it is, as far as the basic principles for establishing a foundation to assess all possible scenarios are concerned, the actions/reactions developing, are in a constant flux of change, as the circumstances change. The decrease in percentages for the patience and tolerance available, differs with each and every situation.

The only constant that can be considered definite in this whole process: when the patience runs out, and the tolerance is close to running out, you’re only hope of avoiding the wrath of what happens next, is if LaFever decides to walk away before your time runs out.

Friday, June 19, 2009

#161 - LaFevre's Believe It Or Not

LaFevre has it on good authority, these items of interest are factual, and true. Believe it? Or not. Did you know…

More money is printed for the Monopoly game, than the U.S. Treasury?
The only food that doesn’t spoil…is honey?
Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots?
“60 Minutes” is the only TV show with no theme music?
And 40% of all people at a party, snoop in the medicine cabinet?

LaFevre kids you not…

LaFevre retorts...

It takes a big man to cry; but it takes an even bigger man, to laugh at that man.

#160 - Snowball's Chance Of Hell

Things left unchecked, almost always balloon. It’s why molehills become mountains. A beaver’s little dam of twigs and branches, will drastically change the whole direction of creeks and streams, even rivers. So listen to LaFevre when he says: “If it’s rolling downhill, it WILL snowball.” If you get buried alive, no one can hear you scream. So the best place to be, is not in the vicinity. Words to survive by.

#159 - Chewing Gums

The upside to missing teeth is I don't have to worry about biting off more than I can chew. Of course, I still do anyway. Why? My eyes are bigger than my stomach. On the flip side, my body can still cash those checks my ego writes. After all, we all have egos. And they serve a purpose. Like being a confidence-builder, for one. The ego most people despise, is not really the ego at all, but the super ego. now let go of my ego.

#158 - Knowing Is Believing

We all know about the “have’s” and “have-not’s”. Now we have the “knows”, as opposed to the nose, in which size is not a factor, in knowing. Maybe in the sense of smell, but that’s it. Why is “know” a positive, but sounds the same as “no”, which is a negative? Here’s why. There are 3 types of people who know: two are negative and one is positive. That’s why. On to the 3.

The first are the unknowing. They don’t know what they want. They need to be asked questions to determine what they want.

The second are the know-it-all’s. This is the misnomer of the three. The know-it-all’s know what they want, sorta, but they don’t “know-it-all” because they don’t know how to attain, make or fix it, to how they want it.

The third are the “all-knowing”. Knowing exactly what you want, how to attain it, fix it, make it; exactly how you want it. No questions asked. Surely, you can’t be serious. I am, and stop calling me Shirley.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

#157 - Hangover Fist

There are two types of hangovers. The first one, everyone knows all too well. The result of binge-drinking. The second is the result of binge-eating. Huh? Yup. “Hey, where’s your belt.” It’s hiding under the hangover.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

#156 - Choy Lay Foot

Another alternative definition for the LaFevre Dictionary of Contemporary Terms. Wow. Two back-to-back. Well, this one’s on the other foot. The term? Tofu. The new definition? It’s when you’re a grandmaster, and you’re so good, you don’t even need the whole foot. Just the toe.

Tiger Claw says...

Tiger Claw is often asked if he's nervous during air guitar competition. Uh, hardly. When Tiger claw is on, it's everyone else who's nervous. Quaking in their boots. Fingers going numb. Legs wobbling. Insecurity. Paranoia. Don't even think about it.

Friday, June 12, 2009

#155 - The Logic Commission

No more. It’s clear your brain cells were dormant during the thought process. From now on, when something is so clear and obvious, yet you still fail to grasp what is in front of you, despite the numerous hints given, LaFevre has no choice but to assess a logic fee; aka, the “common sense commission”. LaFevre thinks for himself, but, on occasion, has to think for others. So, a fee for doing so is only fair. Besides, if you’re that clueless, you’ll pay up without even thinking about it, since thinking is not part of your thought process anyway. Ouch.

#154 - Birthday Suit

Here are LaFevre’s top five facts you should know about “your birthday”:

Honorable Mention - It’s not really your birthday. It’s the anniversary of your birthday. Do you wish couples a “Happy Anniversary” on their anniversary? No. It’s celebrated only between them. And your birthday is no different.

5 – When you wake up in the morning on your birthday, ¼ of it has already passed. If you’re out celebrating until the wee hours of the morning, somewhere in the middle, it’s no longer your birthday. My favorite past-time is waiting until after midnight, and then telling the birthday person, these drinks are on you now. Huh?! Yup. It’s 1am. Your birthday is now yesterday. Sorry bout that. Our wallets are not bottomless pits, you know.

4 - Your birthday is not common knowledge to the rest of the world, so don’t get upset if no one sucks up to you or cuts you slack when you slack off, since they don’t know it’s your birthday. And only family and close friends are expected to remember it. Everyone else have better things to do than remember your birthday.

3 – On one’s birthday, everyone feels special. No exceptions. This is a result of the ultimate brainwash by your parents, who started it on the first anniversary of your birthday, and every year after that. In reality, your birthday is only special to you. The “Happy Birthdays” and gifts lavished on you are really only lip service because, in the end, nobody really cares about YOUR birthday, only theirs. But if they want people to care about theirs, they need to care about yours.

2 – Birthdays always elicit a feeling of exemption from everything at hand, and exceptions to the rule. But you can’t enjoy that exemption or exception unless people know it’s your birthday. On the flip side, by telling everyone it’s your birthday, you’re also telling them you expect special treatment, and exemption from everything at hand, . The ultimate catch-22.

1 – It’s my birthday today, and I’m gonna do whatever the hell I want, cuz I deserve it, I earned it, I’m entitled to it. At least, that’s what Mom & Dad told me.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

#153 - Adverbiage

Profanity. Not for the faint of heart. Used, abused, and overused. Lafevre loves to use it. But only in the context of accentuating the object of its usage. It is the adverb of the forbidden. When ‘darn’ is not enough, we use ‘damn’. When ‘oh, crap’ is not enough, we use ‘oh, shit’. And when ‘screw you’ is not enough, we all know what to use instead. No longer is it taboo in the presence of a woman, except that you have to wait until she does before you can. Here are two classics from LaFevre’s yesteryear.

“Chuck you Farley and your whole famn damily.
You think you’re so smuckin’ fart,
why don’t you go back off in your OWN jackyard
and see how YOUR feter peels!”

“You cock-suckin’, mother-fuckin’, two-ball bitch;
When I look at you, my two balls itch!”

Saturday, May 30, 2009

#152 - Quote, Unquote

Prop time. Quotes LaFevre wishes he came up with. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with going back to the well for inspiration. These are right up LaFevre’s alley.

It’s always darkest just before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s paper, that’s the time to do it.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Anything worth fighting for, is worth fighting dirty for.

Change is inevitable; except from a vending machine.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times, I let her sleep in.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Friday, May 29, 2009

#151 - Hail To The Chief

Ever share a wild theory, only to be shot down with “improbable”, ‘highly-unlikely”, “impossible”, or the ever-present “now you’re just being paranoid”? Happens to me on occasion. Alas, all is not lost. Here’s one way to save face, and make everyone else feel awkward for not considering it. It’s really quite simple:

Respond with this little quip: “Well, maybe so. But there are 6½ TRILLION people on this planet. Do you honestly believe I’m the only one who thinks that?”

Of course, if your theory should become reality, you just became a god. But to stay a god, forget about it, and let others bring it up. Cuz if YOU do, you can kiss your crown goodbye. Hail to the chief, baby.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Hear No Evil, 1984 - an excerpt from "My Chequered Life", LaFevre's autobiography

Before there was metal, there was Motorhead. If Black Sabbath were the godfathers of heavy metal, Motorhead were the hitmen. Louder and faster than anyone on the scene at that time, Motorhead was the shit.

They were in town at the Warfield. A mid-sized venue with a capacity for 1600. Old-fashioned theater with theater seating right up to the stage. This would be the last time The Warfield would look like this. The bill: Motorhead, Mercyful Fate, Exciter. Third row on the aisle, on the left side. Right in front of the speaker stacks. Exciter was good. Mercyful Fate was off the charts. So much that a mosh pit developed down in front. But wait. It’s all seating down there. Not anymore. By the time Fate was done, the first three rows of seating were flattened. Motorhead was delayed due to Warfield staff having to not only remove the seating, but also unbolt the hardware from the floor. Ouch.

Motorhead would have been better if they hadn’t had technical difficulties resulting from the volume being TOO FUCKING LOUD. I was on the left side, and this would turn out to be the beginning of the end for the hearing in my left ear. I’m down to about 20%. Still at 100% on the right. Plus, I developed a new skill at reading lips, to a cetain degree. Yup, Motorhead did me in. Obvo

#150 - Knock, Knock

(dedicated to Helio Castroneves, 3-time winner of the 2009 Indianapolis 500)

You can knock a guy for crying, when he gets picked on.

You can knock a guy for crying, when he gets hit.
You can knock a guy for crying, when his girl leaves him.
You can knock a guy for crying, when he is sad.

But never, never, never, EVER, knock a man for crying, when he wins. Tears of joy are the only exception. Besides - at that time, his adrenaline is so high, it would be in your best interest to not knock him, if you don’t want to be knocked out.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Avon. Avon who? Avon lady and your doorbell’s broken.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

#149 - Vrooom

There comes a time when the planets are in line and all the cosmic forces come together for one moment in time. Once in a blue moon. This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday…

In the morning, we have the Indianapolis 500. In the afternoon, through part of the evening, it’s the Coca Cola 600 – the longest race of the NASCAR season. Sprinkle that with drag racing and monster trucks on other channels (ESPN & SPEED), to watch back-and-forth with the other two, and you’ve got what LaFevre calls – “Four-On-The-Floor”. Ha. I’m in heaven…sing it with me…I’m in heaven…

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

#148 - 3 Strikes

We encounter obstacles our whole lives, from all walks of life. Race, creed, gender, etc, means nothing. How we handle it gives us our experience, and hopefully makes us stronger in the process.

As far as health goes, the Big 3 are Stroke, Heart Attack, and Cancer. Two are immediate, the last being long-term, and debilitating. All three are survivable, if caught in time. This is why it is of the utmost importance you take the time to ensure none of these happen to you. Knowledge is power. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Oh, you can strike one off the list for LaFever (stroke). Another one for the “win” column.

When asked if he had enough vacation to cover the 3-week absence, LaFever had this to say: “I’ve been saving it for a rainy day, but I certainly wasn’t expecting to get hit by a Class 5 hurricane.” Phew.

#147 - LaFever on OLaFever #3

You may slow him down, but you cannot stop him.
(For #1 and #2, see Fevisms #14 and #15)

#146 - Vice Versa

As unhealthy, self-destructive and sometimes life-threatening as vices are, they still remain a form of stress relief, however negative the long-term effects may be. The key here: when someone tells you a problem exists, it is no longer stress-relief, but more a form of escape, or denial, masking a larger issue. Pay attention to others, and take care o’ yo biz.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Tiger Claw says...

In space, no one can hear you play.

#145 - Clay Animay Gumbay

Claymation. Second only to animation. And much harder to create, considering the time and energy involved. Celebrity Death Match broke it into the mainstream. But before that, it was Mr. Bill from Saturday Night Live, that introduced the medium to the general public. BUT, it was a decade earlier, or more, that premiered the art and introduced the world to this genre. Gumby and Pokey. Just a little trivia for y’all. For a reason.

LaFevre mentions it only because Gumby is the perfect temporary nickname for yours truly, after having all the upper choppers removed, for various reasons. Now, he looks like the old guy from the Six Flags commercial. Great running joke, complete with erratic dance moves. Seeing is believing.

Nonetheless, the temporary consequences have elicited a zen riddle, a trick question, rhetorical in nature, for which there is no answer. Mostly a play on words. Why do we need teeth to chew gum? Or gummy bears? Gumballs? Makes no sense. Gimme gum, or gimme death…thayeth the Feve…

Thursday, April 30, 2009

#144 - McDouble Standard

One of LaFevre’s favorite past-times is pointing out inconsistencies, misnomers, inadequacies, etc. After three occurrences, this one sells itself. Walk into any McDonald’s, and ask for a double cheeseburger. Advertised on the dollar menu. Easy, you ask? There’s a catch. Here’s the same conversation I have, just for the fun of it, every time I go to “Mickey D’s”.

“Double cheeseburger, please.”
I thought it was on the dollar menu.”
That’s the McDouble Cheeseburger.”
So, there’s a double cheeseburger, and a McDouble cheeseburger.”
“Well, geez, what’s the difference?”
“The double cheeseburger has two beef patties, and two slices of cheese. The McDouble has two beef patties, but only one slice of cheese.”

WTF?! LaFevre says, stick with the McDouble. If it’s only a buck, why pay an extra forty cents for an extra slice of processed American cheese. That’s a 40% markup. Again, WTF?!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

#141 - On The Fence

Conservative or liberal. Upper or lower. Inside or out. Left or right. Easy enough. Then there’s the in-betweeners. They can’t make up their minds. Decide, or drop out. Props to Chris Rock for showing you can be on one side for one thing, and the other side for another. “I’m against handguns, but for prostitution.” How can you argue with that?!

So LaFevre, being the classic Gemini, holds positions on both sides of issues. But it isn’t the issues, per se, that matter, but where he stands. Or how he responds. With him, it’s either “cut’n’dry”, or “sitting in left field”. Do you want a straight-shot, or the reasons why and philosophy behind it? If that’s not enough, maybe this will help – you want the shock treatment, or the meds?! Isn’t life grand?

LaFevre retorts...

It is LaFevre's sole purpose in life, to serve as a warning to others.

#140 - House Of Cards

LaFevre envisions a deck of cards that would sell like hotcakes, if he could get past copyright laws. Maybe if everyone involved would agree to an equal percentage of the pie, it could be done. Uh yeah. Picture this:

Ace: Carl’s Jr. star King: Burger King’s king
Queen: Dairy Queen’s lips Jack: Jack In The Box head
Joker: McDonald’s arches

And the 2 through ten? Logos from the other franchises: Wendy’s, Taco Bell, KFC, Wendy’s, Arby’s, Subway, Quizno’s, etc.

Funny how the top chains all use royalty in their marketing campaigns. But sadly, those who frequent those establishments are nothing more than peasants, manipulated by their quick and cheap availability. LaFevre sheds a tear.

#139 - Three's A Magic Number

Heavens above, Hell below, Purgatory, in between. LaFevre gives you another one of his way-from-left-field observations. The magic three are: “body”, “soul” and “spirit”. Upon death, these three transcend, in three different directions. The “body” transcends, or rather descends, to dust. The ultimate recycle. Organic matter, relegated back to the earth. Try not to think of decomposition as a bad thing here, ok folks?

This leaves the two ethereal, other-worldly, forms of human existence – the soul, and the spirit. Some see them as the same. Maybe so. But LaFevre believes differently; since the two are named differently for a reason. The spirit holds all the good in you, while the soul holds all the bad. No one is exempt from the misdeeds throughout life. Everyone must pay. The earth gets the body, God gets the spirit, and the devil gets your soul. Everyone is happy. Let’s call it a night.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

#138 - The Seven Deadly Copy/Sins

Here’s a list that has a double meaning. For those who work in copy centers, or those responsible for copywork, who do not have the luxury of a copy center to handle it; and those who give their copywork to someone else to do,

LaFevre gives you – the seven deadly sins of copywork. Mostly to let those know, who pass on the work to someone else, the level of difficulty, and the reason for the length of time to complete it. Each sin is a pain, in and of itself, but when combined, compound the situation; the worst being a job involving all seven. You don’t want to know. Or go there.

1 – staple removal
2 – flag removal
3 – dividers (copied as requested)
4 – mixed-size paper (letter, legal, 11x17)
5 – two-sided pages
6 – colored sheets
7 – colored copies

#137 - No Direction Known

With props to Dylan, the “Rolling Stone”, for the apropos title here. Directions. We all need them. We all use them. Men fail to admit being lost. Women tell them to ask for directions. Yet both are lost. Go figure. But this isn’t about directions, per se. We’re talking a higher level here. The worries of the world. But it doesn’t have to be like that. Seriously.

Thanks to Anne M., for some insightful thoughts, as others have in the past, that sow the seeds for many of the fevisms created here. Three ways to ascertain how to handle “the worries of the world”.

1 – If you are not directly affected by what is going on in the world today, let it go. Anger and disappointment will get you nowhere. Donate to your favorite charity, if nothing else.

2 – If you are indirectly affected by what is going on around the world today, and in your backyard, prepare backup plans and keep an eye on what’s going on, just in case.

3 – If you are directly affected by what’s going on around the world today, specifically, in your own backyard, act immediately. #2 should have prepared you for this. What are you waiting for? Get up off your ass and take care of business. Whatever it may be. Before it’s too late. Now. Goddammit.

Friday, March 20, 2009

#136 - Honor Roll

LaFevre would like to extend a blanket thank you and subsequent induction to his Honor Roll, to everyone around the world who use a product or service because of their charitable contributions and work, and/or their eco-friendly work ethic; in spite of the possible sub-standard service or not-very-good product provided.

Green Forest toilet paper may be recycled, but it still feels like the commercial-grade stuff used in corporate restrooms. Ouch. But LaFevre still uses it. And nothing else. (After all, when MD switched its name to AngelSoft, LaFevre just couldn’t fathom adding that to his grocery cart.)

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Tiger Claw says...

Veni, Vidi, Flying V - I came, I saw, I wailed.

#135 - Food For Thought

While we’re on the subject, since many fevisms are borne on the heels of other fevisms, ala “the bump”, here’s another on beer. And everything else, for that matter.

“If you drink more than you eat, you’ll be leaving your seat. If you eat more than you drink, you won’t reach the brink.” Everything in moderation, people. (For the record, LaFevre’s 440-Relay occurs only on weekends, lasting 12+ hours, and is filled with numerous meals, and catnaps. What else?!)

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

#134 - Beer Run

A new slang for an already-existing term, and relegated to the Dictionary of Contemporary Terms, the “440 Relay”. That would be four of LaFevre’s favorite beer, in the 40-oz size. When one reaches halfway down, rotate back to the fridge for the next one, to maintain continued coldness.

Friday, March 6, 2009

#133 - From The Hood

The hood. Reminds me of another famous term that changed every ten years, but meant the same. In the 70’s – fluorescent. 80’s – day-glo. 90’s – neon. Now – astrobright. Whoah. So, while “the hood’ has been around awhile, how many out there remember the days of “the ghetto”?! Hmm.

Here are two contemporary terms LaFevre wishes he had come up with, but is so impressed, he had to recognize.

The first refers to the classic espresso drink. Can’t afford it? Coffee and hot chocolate. The new term: ghetto mocha. Been around awhile. More recently, and this may not have been created by him, but he was the first from whom I heard the term used. Props to my man, Pete Brandt. Flatland king. Top 5 in the world. Check out his tricks – .

LaFevre’s graphic design work depends heavily on “cut ‘n’ paste”. This was standard for decades before the digital era, and the advent of new software that replaced it. For cut ‘n’ paste, I give you, “Ghetto Photoshop”. Thanks Pete.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

131 - Rocky Road

Third and final fevism in the BUMP series. Brought to you courtesy of my man, J.Hutch. He asks if the air bump can explode. The answer is No. The Air Bump is done by two individuals from afar. But Hutch raises another query, and LaFevre immediately thought of an alternative to the creation of the original Bump (see fevism #46).

LaFevre is going out on a limb here, and adding yet another term, a variation of a game men play in a high-testosterone environment, when either high and/or drunk, as a test of strength, called knuckles, where you bash each other’s fists and the loser is the one screaming in pain. LaFevre calls it the “knuckle slam”. And that, Hutch, is where the explosion occurs.

It may very well have evolved into something a little more civilized, and less painful, known now as the Bump. No bloodletting. No ripped flesh off the knuckles. Just a simple bump between friends. More bonding than the newly-considered-professional “handshake”. Strangers shake hands. Friends bump.

LaFevre retorts...

Whoa, when I look into your eyes,
I can see the back of your head.

#130 - Bump In The Night

OK, so it’s not really occurring at night. Hell, you wouldn’t be able to see it. What we’re talking here is a progression in the evolution of the bump. LaFevre went over this in fevism “#46 – The Origin Of The Bump”. And it is being added to the LaFevre Dictionary of Contemporary Terms, since he named it himself, even though the action itself was around first.

It’s called, the AIR BUMP. LaFevre discovered this while waiting in line for the daily mail at the post office. While giving bumps to others as they come in to get in line, others were further back, and one usually kept to himself. But when he walked in once and raised his fist, and leaned it forward as if to give a bump, I returned the gesture. And the Air Bump was born. If an actual bump cannot be done up close, the Air Bump works from afar. All this will be published soon enough.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

#129 - What's Up Doc?

Discovered during a recent bout of a fever. Funny. Is it any wonder LaFevre’s ears are burning. Now pay attention. LaFevre works through colds. But the fever totally incapacitates.

During the latest bout, Dr. LaFevre made a discovery. Nothing major. But in the interest of saving time, especially when you’re in the midst of a fever, and out of bed, freezing, shivering, and there’s nobody there to bring it you, minutes count. He laughs now as you might as well, and is to be expected. But when you’re down with bug, and left alone to fend for yourself, remember this: the sooner you take care of business, the sooner you’re back in bed under the covers, nice and warm.

The cure: Alka-Seltzer. Not just any Alka-Seltzer. The cold remedy Alka-Seltzer. Even more so, it isn’t just the cold remedy Alka-Seltzer. It’s how you prepare it. Huh? Doc is now a chef? C’est la vie.

LaFevre used to drop the tabs into a glass of cold water. Refreshing to a heated body that is shivering on the outside. Knowing it takes 3-5 minutes for the tabs to dissolve, he would drop the tabs, and hit the can. And still have to wait. Even recently, the cold water was difficult to drink due to dental issues. So LaFevre tried room-temperature water. By the time he was done in the can, the tabs were dissolved. And not just finishing. We’re talking done.

So there you have it. If you like your Alka-Seltzer in cold water because it’s refreshing, go for it. But if you find yourself standing there, watching the tabs disintegrate in slow motion, switch to room-temperature. Dr. LaFevre doesn’t know why, but it’s clear from the empirical evidence exhibited here, the tabs melt twice, maybe three times as fast in room-temperature water than it does in cold water. For godsakes Jim, I’m a doctor, not a restaurant chef.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

#128 - And The Winner Is...

Ever notice how you never realize something because it’s TOO obvious? Case in point: LaFevre first heard Hendrix’ “Third Stone From The Sun” back in the late 70’s. Long after it was released. Then, a decade later, LaFevre watched John Lithgow in “Third Rock From The Sun”. Aliens living on Earth. Third rock. Whoa. That’s right, Earth. Third from the Sun. Wait a minute. “Third Stone From The Sun”. Jimi was referring to planet Earth. DUH.

Which leads LaFevre to his thought for today. 25 years later. LaFevre has been pushing the envelope his whole life. It’s the rebel in him. All other part-time careers aside, is it any wonder that his main line of work on a daily basis has always been mailroom management? Double DUH…

#127 - Butting Heads

Catchy, ain’t it? But appropriate, as always. LaFevre brings you another addition to the LaFevre Dictionary of Contemporary Terms. This time? A synonym to an already existing term. The ever popular “headbutt”. LaFevre finds it surprising he’s never heard it before when it popped into his head. Without further ado, LaFevre gives you – “noggin-knocker”.

You gotta admit, rolls right off the tongue. Thought of as a general term, but upon further reflection, could be used as a noun, or nickname, for football players. Ouch. Personal foul. Unnecessary roughness. 15 yards. First down.

#126 - Wait on me

Waiters and waitresses. You gotta love them. To quote Dudley Moore in Authur, “you ask them for things, and they bring them”. What LaFevre wants to know is, and you can classify this as either a trick question, or a zen riddle (one and the same, really), aside from certain districts in SF and NY, among others, why are there no waiters in bars? After all, there are just as many women drinking now as there are men. So you can rule out the flirting aspect leading to more purchases. Maybe at one time…Of course, LaFevre just wants to know, for knowing’s sake. Not for it to change. Hey waitress…

I Feel The Need...For Speed, 1997 - an excerpt from "My Chequered Life" (LaFevre's autobiography)

Not sure exactly when this occurred. All I know is, it did. And never forget it, I will. I know it was after I moved back to the city. I didn’t have a car, or a driver’s license. I couldn’t renew my license because of that ticket for expired registration.

I was partying with friends in the City. I had to do the running. It was my contact. Daly City. Just off the coastal highway. South of the SF border. No problem. It was all highway. Made the pickup. On the way back, it was all downhill, and I was flying. Right through a major intersection. Saw a police cruiser in my peripheral. Just sitting there. By the time I saw him in my rearview mirror, I was already 2 miles ahead, on SF’s Great Highway. A stretch of highway 2 miles long, with no turnoffs. But he was a mile back. I can’t figure out why he was so far back, considering he had two miles to catch up. Or radio for assistance. But nobody else showed. By then, it was on. I would have to disappear.

Thought for a second about hanging a u-turn at the lights situated every ½ mile. Even though it was a raised highway, there were crosswalks to get to the road running parallel downside. Pedestrian only. Did I mention I was in someone else’ car? I could not be caught. I would end up arrested, the car impounded. Snap decision. I dropped the hammer. Pedal to the metal. Lights off. I had 2 miles and 10 seconds to decide what I was going to do when I reached the end.

I was also working against the radio. I had to be at the end of the strip before backup showed up, who were possibly already dialed in. If they beat me, I would have had to stop short and bail. On foot, they wouldn’t have had a chance. No matter. I reached the end. Hell, this was my backyard. No one in sight. Rather than continue on in high speed fashion, and in a panic, which usually results in wrong decisions, I slowed to a normal pace. I had about a minute before my pursuer would catch up. And 60 seconds is a long time.

I hung a right on Lincoln Boulevard. The first right off the strip. One of two streets running up and down the length of SF’s largest park (perpendicular, btw), Golden Gate Park. In most cases, others would continue on, eventually getting nailed, or turning into the park and ending up trapped, with all exits likely being covered. I don’t think so.

After two blocks, I hung another right onto a neighborhood street. After all, this was my turf. Parked immediately and got out of the car. This is key in a getaway. Never stay in the car. They knew the car, and I couldn't be anywhere near it. Halfway down the block, I turned around to sirens, and watched the patrol car pass my street, flying up Lincoln Boulevard.

After 10 minutes of walking around the block, to make sure they didn't backtrack, I got back into the car, and used the side roads through the neighborhood to get back to ‘HQ’, using the shortest park crossover. Escape through the trees was the backup plan should I encounter any law enforcement along the way. Remember: I wasn’t even afforded the luxury of a pullover. Remember, no license.

Final destination: my buddy’s house. Two blocks on the other side of the park. Man, that was close. Didn’t tell him until years later. Had to be.

Friday, January 23, 2009

#125 - Class Dismissed

The ways of LaFevre/Tiger Claw affect everyone. For some, they are learned, the easy way. Always beneficial. For others, you get schooled, the hard way. Hurts at first, but doesn’t last. Like Mom used to say: “Don’t test me”. Food for thought, hungry or not.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

#124 - Bullshit

One of LaFevre’s love/hate dilemmas; with the outcome on the ‘love’ side. Rodeos. Cowboy central. Macho headquarters. Ego-dudes competing to overcome wild broncos and bulls. (Grrr) But LaFevre sees the big picture.

In rodeos, the animal eventually wins in the end. While some walk away, the rest of the riders eat dirt. Or worse, end up trounced or gored. Never a pretty sight. Cheers to the animal.

Of course, the exception to the rule is Spain, where bullfights still exist. A slow painful death for the animal. LaFevre cries for the cause. Then again, LaFevre likes to think the “running of the bulls” prior to the ‘prizefight’ is a pre-payback for what’s to come. Seeing the mauling and goring in the streets kinda makes up for the one sacrificed later in the arena. Yeahhh.

“You mess with the bull, you get the horns.”

#123 - Flat Tire

Last night, when LaFevre got home, he was so tired, he stretched out on the couch to take a nap. By the time he woke up, it was time for bed. Dream a little dream…

#122 - You're Trippin'

Two new additions to the LaFevre Dictionary of Contemporary Terms. Actually, they’re connected. One is a term referring to a ‘medical’ condition; the other, slang for someone with this ‘medical’ condition.

Ever notice how some people drag their feet? Not in a work/life sense, referring to handling responsibilities, figuratively-speaking. I’m talking literally. Walking down the street. Not stumbling, when you hit a raised sidewalk, without tumbling, which is worse. Tumbling is synonymous with tripping, which is never pretty.

No, I’m talking lazy-walking. Dragging your feet! We’ve all done it. Some do it all the time. LaFevre has a name for this condition that occurs on a regular basis: “slackfoot”. No explanation is needed here. As for someone who suffers from ‘slackfoot’? LaFevre refers to you as a “stumbleweed”.

Have a nice trip? See you next fall!

#121 - Tickets 'R' Us

Gone are the days of walking into a Ticketmaster and buying a ticket. Wait. You can still do that. But your seat is a nosebleeder. LaFevre saw the writing on the wall when Springsteen came to town back in the late 80’s. The night before, we had to wait in line at ticket agencies, to be issued a bracelet with a number on it that determined your place in line the next day when tickets went on sale. WTF?!

But now, the Net rulz. As do ticket brokers. For all its advantages, the disadvantages exist alongside. Not only can we purchase immediately, online, ticket brokers buy in bulk, and resell at a markup. Legalized scalping. And for promotional purposes, blocks of tickets are set aside. Giveaways on-air, comps for friends and relatives, etc. This happens across the board – concerts, sports, etc.

For example – Super Bowl. The biggest event overall. Aside from season ticket holders, how the hell do you sell out a 60,000-seat stadium in 6 minutes? SIX MINUTES! F’n ticket brokers. LaFevre has a purchase policy. For everything. Never pay full price. After all, you can brag till the sun goes down. “I got Super Bowl tickets. On the 50-yard line.” Good for you.

Now you have to pay for the flight and hotel, and miss half the game due to restroom runs, food & beverage runs, seat neighbor distractions, and most of all, miss out on the televised commentary and the replays after every other play. But hey. It’s the Super Bowl. LaFevre toasts his 40 to your good fortune, while sitting at home nice and warm, sippin’ on a 40, with the can 20 feet away. Hope you took pictures. I got it on videotape.

Friday, January 16, 2009

LaFevre Retorts...

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

#120 - Driver's Ed

Driving is a privilege, not a right. If LaFevre were a driving instructor, a quarter of the people on the road would not have licenses. And deservedly so.

#119 - Speak No Evil

Not authorized to speak to the media, so you do it on condition of anonymity? Whistleblower. Rat. But that isn’t always the case, is it?

Maybe you’re releasing information to shed light on a situation where no official position has been made. People want answers. And they hate to wait. LaFevre calls it a strategic leak. After all, does anyone ever get fired for it, when it’s obvious everyone knows who did it? Such as when an aide to a government director does it, and it is mentioned that they are on a specific team. Uh, doesn’t that tell you who it is, just short of giving their name? You can blame the media for that. Loose lips sinks ships, baby.

#118 - Tape Delay

“Borrow today for an extended stay, and you’ll regret the day you finally pay.”
- LaFevre
I know. Sounds like a financial transaction here; although, that holds true in those cases. But this is about borrowing needful things. Does anyone ever return things on time anymore?

If you borrow something, and the lender doesn’t give you a time frame, you can bet it is still expected back within a short period, depending on the item’s use. It does NOT mean you can hold onto it until you’re ready to use it, or after done using it.
A rented tool for a job is borrowed with an understanding it is needed immediately. The return should be made upon completion of the job. A borrowed video takes time, considering the need to set aside at least two hours for viewing. That isn’t always easy on weeknights, but weekends are. A 2-hour movie shouldn’t take more than a week.

“If you can’t make the time, borrowing is the crime.”
(ode to Baretta)

Friday, January 2, 2009

#117 - A Nod To The Nod

Nod that the nod is more important than speaking, but equally important, nod-the-less. (LOL) The “nod”. The universal sign of respect. Whether it’s a raised nod, or a lowered nod. Everyone has their preferred nod. Thee way of saying, I may not like you, but I respect you. Or even as a sign of respect between strangers.

Which brings me to a new phrase for the LaFevre Dictionary of Contemporary Terms. “Nodding Terms.” We all know the phrase, “speaking terms”. When you and another stop speaking, and then resolve the situation, resulting in one another, at least speaking again (friendship is out of the question, obviously). But before you speak again, there is the “nod”.

I realized this when a former friend came over with others, left for the store, and didn’t return. Instead of calling with an excuse, he asked a friend to relay the message. Total disrespect. For several months, he would avoid eye contact, and pretend to not see me. No acknowledgement. After awhile, especially when it was passed on that it was his disrespect and subsequent screw-up that precipitated the whole scenario, it was the “nod” that broke the ice. Even if we never speak again, at least we’re on “nodding terms”.

“If you have nothing to say,
or can’t think of anything to say,
the “nod” will save the day.”

- LaFevre