Saturday, October 31, 2009

Tiger Claw says...

He saw a sign in the local music store once: Out Chopin, Bach in a minuet.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

#185 - The Wayback Machine

Is it LaFevre, or do the bicycles of yesteryear have it backwards?? Guy bikes had the straight bar, gal bikes, the curved-downward bars. Uh, must have been designed by a dude. Crossing the leg over the seat was the macho thing to do, while sliding the leg inside the bar, was the girly thing to do. Too bad it was the opposite of what was practical. Huh??

Any guy will tell you they wish that straight bar wasn’t there. Why? Every guy who has ever rode a bike, has slipped off the pedals, and crushed his nuts on that straight bar. Blunt, yes. But also, painful. Should’ve been designed the other way around. Maybe that’s why all bikes today utilize that straight bar. Women’s equality, you say? I don’t think so. What’s bad for the goose, is bad for the gander.

#184 - Phone Manners

Ever notice when people are speaking in conversations, or giving speeches or lectures, they often use hand mannerisms to accentuate certain points in the conversation? If so, then why do people do the same thing when talking on the phone?

#183 - Riddle Me This

Zen riddles for today: Since most sports are seasonal by nature, does that mean all fans are fair-weather fans? And isn’t it amazing, hilarious, and pretty hella funny that the word “tissue” sounds like a sneeze?

#182 - Dreamscape

Here’s a fevism on how to alter a dream, if you cannot change the dream altogether. Or worse, nightmare. LaFevre was having a nightmare, being chased by zombies. LaFevre loves vampires, but hates zombies. He woke up several times, and went back to sleep. If you do that too soon, you go right back into the same dream/nightmare.

So LaFevre thought, how do I turn a bad dream into a good dream. Cut a deal with the cutest zombie girl. “I’ll let you eat my brains if you jump on me and ride for the duration.” Needless to say, I fell asleep, and no dream. Obviously the deep sleep stage before you have to get up when the alarm goes off. Always happens. The best part: LaFevre woke up with a woody.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

#181 - The Loser's Cup

“Take this cup, fill it up, and bring it back to me.” Drug tests. Oh, the hypocrisy of it all. Don’t get LaFevre wrong. It serves a purpose. In any job that involves the safety and security of the general public, or employees of all local, state and federal government agencies, it has its place.

Here’s the problem: You indulge on a Friday night, whether it’s a couple joints, a few lines, a hit of this, a gram of that, or whatever. In bed by 2am, or 4am, maybe 5am, ok 6am (LaFevre was adamant about retiring by 6:12am, his time of birth, felt waking up before the sun rises, was like missing a day), after 7-8, ok, 10 hours of sleep, you wakeup, clean, albeit with a headache, or a hangover. But you ain’t high no more. So you abstain until Monday morning. If you take a test, you’ll still come up positive. How unfair is that.

The problem is, how does an employer know if someone is drunk or high now, or from the night before? Currently, if an accident happens, and you’re tested, and come up positive, you’re busted. Even if you were clean and sober when the accident occurred.

Reality check: the agencies test for residue, not the active ingredients. The active ingredients wear off, leaving only a residue. This is the 21st century. It’s high time (pun intended) we devise a test that will determine active ingredients present, not residue.

LaFevre retorts...

BIOMECHANICS - Why yawning is contagious: we yawn to equalize the pressure on our eardrums. This pressure change outside our eardrums unbalances other peoples' eardrum pressures, so they yawn to equalize their pressure. And it crosses species lines. You'll yawn when your dog or cat does, and vice versa. Don't fight it.

#180 - Bloodline

Not just a new term, but a new term for a new drink. LaFevre’s own concoction. It’s called a “bloodboiler”. This is a 50/50 mixture of champagne and red wine. Red wine is dark enough as it is, so the addition of champagne gives it a more “blood red” appearance. The champagne also carbonates the drink, with bubbles floating to the top; hence, boiling blood.

LaFevre came up with this generic version, but has his own brand name for a specific mix. It’s called “Dragon’s Blood”. Obviously, out of love for the dragon. Champagne and Merlot. Why Merlot, and not Pinot Noir or Cabernet? Because Merlot is LaFevre for “Merlin”. And the dragon is the pet of the sorcerer. As if you had to ask…

#179 - What Colorful Roots

In the beginning, there was black, the absence of all color, like space. Then came white, the combination of all colors. Then came color. Broken down from light, which contains all the colors, on different frequencies. The rainbow is the prime example of this, as light interacts with our atmosphere, showing all the colors of the spectrum. This is why the sky is blue, since you’ve always wondered, but never asked. Blue is the lowest frequency, which is the only one our atmosphere allows through.

So we start with the primary colors: red, yellow and green. Next are the intermediate (secondary) colors, as represented by the combination of 2 of each of the primary colors, in a 1:1 ratio: orange (red/yellow), green (yellow/blue), and purple (red/blue). Other colors come in different ratios of the primary colors (pink, brown).

But almost all colors today are represented by one of three categories, floral (flowers), citrus (fruit) and vegetation. What’s LaFevre’s point: All of these new colors, these hybrid colors, are based on materials that grow out of the ground, or grow on that which grows out of the ground. And so it goes, LaFevre points out that the “roots” of all these new colors that originate from the ground, are red, yellow and blue, and their intermediate counterparts, orange, green and purple.

Next time you’re at the supermarket, go to the produce section. Be sure and where your “rose”-colored glasses.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

#178 - Wishful Thinking

More of same ole quick wits LaFevre wishes he came up with. LaFevre can attest to the fact that everything nowadays is pretty much rehashed, copied, plagiarized, etc. He does it, too, but alters it to improve upon, but credits the source, and only takes credit for the alteration. Thank you.

Props here go to the original Hollywood Squares regulars, from back in the day, when the same people occupied the same squares, rather than today, where celebrities change on a weekly basis. None of them, nada, zilch, can hold a candle to the square-holders of yesteryear – Paul Lynde, Charlie Weaver, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Wally Cox, Joanne Worley, Arte Johnson, Charo, and later, George Gobel, Joan Rivers, Phyllis Diller, Don Rickles, Buddy Hackett, and my favorite, impressionist, Rich Little. Cue Peter Marshall, on the wayback machine:

Which of your 5 senses tends to diminish as you get older?
My sense of decency.

Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
Only after lights out.

It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

What are the two things you should never do in bed?
Point and laugh.

What are “dual-purpose” cattle good for, that other cattle aren’t?
They give milk AND cookies, but I don’t recommend the cookies.

And the classic Paul Lynde’s immediate response, without any hesitation, to the question, “What should you do if your pajamas catch on fire?”
“Slow down.”