Friday, June 19, 2009

#161 - LaFevre's Believe It Or Not

LaFevre has it on good authority, these items of interest are factual, and true. Believe it? Or not. Did you know…

More money is printed for the Monopoly game, than the U.S. Treasury?
The only food that doesn’t spoil…is honey?
Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots?
“60 Minutes” is the only TV show with no theme music?
And 40% of all people at a party, snoop in the medicine cabinet?

LaFevre kids you not…

LaFevre retorts...

It takes a big man to cry; but it takes an even bigger man, to laugh at that man.

#160 - Snowball's Chance Of Hell

Things left unchecked, almost always balloon. It’s why molehills become mountains. A beaver’s little dam of twigs and branches, will drastically change the whole direction of creeks and streams, even rivers. So listen to LaFevre when he says: “If it’s rolling downhill, it WILL snowball.” If you get buried alive, no one can hear you scream. So the best place to be, is not in the vicinity. Words to survive by.

#159 - Chewing Gums

The upside to missing teeth is I don't have to worry about biting off more than I can chew. Of course, I still do anyway. Why? My eyes are bigger than my stomach. On the flip side, my body can still cash those checks my ego writes. After all, we all have egos. And they serve a purpose. Like being a confidence-builder, for one. The ego most people despise, is not really the ego at all, but the super ego. now let go of my ego.

#158 - Knowing Is Believing

We all know about the “have’s” and “have-not’s”. Now we have the “knows”, as opposed to the nose, in which size is not a factor, in knowing. Maybe in the sense of smell, but that’s it. Why is “know” a positive, but sounds the same as “no”, which is a negative? Here’s why. There are 3 types of people who know: two are negative and one is positive. That’s why. On to the 3.

The first are the unknowing. They don’t know what they want. They need to be asked questions to determine what they want.

The second are the know-it-all’s. This is the misnomer of the three. The know-it-all’s know what they want, sorta, but they don’t “know-it-all” because they don’t know how to attain, make or fix it, to how they want it.

The third are the “all-knowing”. Knowing exactly what you want, how to attain it, fix it, make it; exactly how you want it. No questions asked. Surely, you can’t be serious. I am, and stop calling me Shirley.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

#157 - Hangover Fist

There are two types of hangovers. The first one, everyone knows all too well. The result of binge-drinking. The second is the result of binge-eating. Huh? Yup. “Hey, where’s your belt.” It’s hiding under the hangover.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

#156 - Choy Lay Foot

Another alternative definition for the LaFevre Dictionary of Contemporary Terms. Wow. Two back-to-back. Well, this one’s on the other foot. The term? Tofu. The new definition? It’s when you’re a grandmaster, and you’re so good, you don’t even need the whole foot. Just the toe.

Tiger Claw says...

Tiger Claw is often asked if he's nervous during air guitar competition. Uh, hardly. When Tiger claw is on, it's everyone else who's nervous. Quaking in their boots. Fingers going numb. Legs wobbling. Insecurity. Paranoia. Don't even think about it.

Friday, June 12, 2009

#155 - The Logic Commission

No more. It’s clear your brain cells were dormant during the thought process. From now on, when something is so clear and obvious, yet you still fail to grasp what is in front of you, despite the numerous hints given, LaFevre has no choice but to assess a logic fee; aka, the “common sense commission”. LaFevre thinks for himself, but, on occasion, has to think for others. So, a fee for doing so is only fair. Besides, if you’re that clueless, you’ll pay up without even thinking about it, since thinking is not part of your thought process anyway. Ouch.

#154 - Birthday Suit

Here are LaFevre’s top five facts you should know about “your birthday”:

Honorable Mention - It’s not really your birthday. It’s the anniversary of your birthday. Do you wish couples a “Happy Anniversary” on their anniversary? No. It’s celebrated only between them. And your birthday is no different.

5 – When you wake up in the morning on your birthday, ¼ of it has already passed. If you’re out celebrating until the wee hours of the morning, somewhere in the middle, it’s no longer your birthday. My favorite past-time is waiting until after midnight, and then telling the birthday person, these drinks are on you now. Huh?! Yup. It’s 1am. Your birthday is now yesterday. Sorry bout that. Our wallets are not bottomless pits, you know.

4 - Your birthday is not common knowledge to the rest of the world, so don’t get upset if no one sucks up to you or cuts you slack when you slack off, since they don’t know it’s your birthday. And only family and close friends are expected to remember it. Everyone else have better things to do than remember your birthday.

3 – On one’s birthday, everyone feels special. No exceptions. This is a result of the ultimate brainwash by your parents, who started it on the first anniversary of your birthday, and every year after that. In reality, your birthday is only special to you. The “Happy Birthdays” and gifts lavished on you are really only lip service because, in the end, nobody really cares about YOUR birthday, only theirs. But if they want people to care about theirs, they need to care about yours.

2 – Birthdays always elicit a feeling of exemption from everything at hand, and exceptions to the rule. But you can’t enjoy that exemption or exception unless people know it’s your birthday. On the flip side, by telling everyone it’s your birthday, you’re also telling them you expect special treatment, and exemption from everything at hand, . The ultimate catch-22.

1 – It’s my birthday today, and I’m gonna do whatever the hell I want, cuz I deserve it, I earned it, I’m entitled to it. At least, that’s what Mom & Dad told me.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

#153 - Adverbiage

Profanity. Not for the faint of heart. Used, abused, and overused. Lafevre loves to use it. But only in the context of accentuating the object of its usage. It is the adverb of the forbidden. When ‘darn’ is not enough, we use ‘damn’. When ‘oh, crap’ is not enough, we use ‘oh, shit’. And when ‘screw you’ is not enough, we all know what to use instead. No longer is it taboo in the presence of a woman, except that you have to wait until she does before you can. Here are two classics from LaFevre’s yesteryear.

“Chuck you Farley and your whole famn damily.
You think you’re so smuckin’ fart,
why don’t you go back off in your OWN jackyard
and see how YOUR feter peels!”

“You cock-suckin’, mother-fuckin’, two-ball bitch;
When I look at you, my two balls itch!”