Do it yourself. Easier said than done. LaFevre has news for you. Get off your ass, pay attention, and “do it yourself”. LaFevre just purchased a high-ticket item – a stand-alone home gym. Moving parts, pulleys, cables, weights. The unit costs $300. Delivery was $80. but they wanted $140 for installation. LaFevre can handle delivery. $80 for in-house delivery, no work on his part. Or, rent a van for $20, and handle all the lifting into and out of the van, and up two flights of stairs. $80 – done.
But installation? $140? A third of the original cost of the unit itself? enter moment of enlightenment. There is a market for the business of installation, and the subsequent charges that accompany it. If you don’t wish to take the time but can afford to have someone else do it, why not. If you feel it is beneath you, but can afford to have someone else do it for you, do so, but you’re still a loser. But the worst is having someone do it because you can’t do it yourself, either because you’re lazy, can’t read instructions, or are simply all “all thumbs”.
LaFever paid for delivery, but waived the installation. Sorry, he can’t pay someone to do something he’s more than capable doing himself. And here’s why: if you have someone else do it, and, for whatever reason, you have to move it, which requires dis-assembling, you’ll have no clue, let alone trying to re-assemble it.
It’s really quite simple, for anything requiring assembly. Check the inventory listed. Pull out the tools required. Start with Step 1, and so on, etc. If you can do this, you’ll be successful. It’s one thing to pay someone else to do so, and impress your woman. But it’s way better to do so yourself, become the house handyman, and get laid after all is said and done.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Tiger Claw says...
Note to NFL: the next time you're looking for the perfect act to perform The Star Spangled Banner, cal The Claw. He will perform it note-for-note, flawlessly. You'll be able to hear a pin drop.
#245 - The Plan
“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.”
Plans are made, and changed, almost as frequently. Several times in one day, with the final outcome being either the original plan, or nothing at all, because no one can agree. Everyone involved, wants to do it their way, or at least have a say. And no one agrees with anyone else’s way, wholeheartedly, without at least having their own say. The original plan forms the basis for future changes, in the form of concessions, really, but in practice, concessions have to be made, in order to accommodate and placate everyone involved. The original plan is never same again. Except in one instance.
If you have a plan, and it requires going before a group of people, who must agree on it before it goes forward, and you want it to go forward without any changes whatsoever, make sure you got something on everyone involved, and call it in before the meeting. It’ll be the shortest and quietest meeting you ever had. “I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse.”
Plans are made, and changed, almost as frequently. Several times in one day, with the final outcome being either the original plan, or nothing at all, because no one can agree. Everyone involved, wants to do it their way, or at least have a say. And no one agrees with anyone else’s way, wholeheartedly, without at least having their own say. The original plan forms the basis for future changes, in the form of concessions, really, but in practice, concessions have to be made, in order to accommodate and placate everyone involved. The original plan is never same again. Except in one instance.
If you have a plan, and it requires going before a group of people, who must agree on it before it goes forward, and you want it to go forward without any changes whatsoever, make sure you got something on everyone involved, and call it in before the meeting. It’ll be the shortest and quietest meeting you ever had. “I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse.”
#244 - Lost...But Not Forgotten
We all lose stuff over our lifetimes. Possessions, games, self-esteem. But there’s one loss that people claim, that isn’t a loss at all. And that’s something they could have had, but either didn’t grab it, or was too busy to do so. LaFevre has news for you: losing out on something, is no loss at all. It was never yours to begin with.
#243 - I Am The Keymaster
Aren't keys wonderful. Intended to keep something locked up or locked away, but we still carry them everywhere we go. We vacation in the Florida Keys, Key Largo, and Key West. We give away the keys to our hearts. We sing and play music in key. The most important part is the “key” component. But what is it about a key that keeps us from throwing it away?! Why do we feel guilty throwing it away?
LaFevre thinks the only time the key gets thrown out, and justifiably so...is for a life sentence. Funny how the key of life, takes your life away.
LaFevre thinks the only time the key gets thrown out, and justifiably so...is for a life sentence. Funny how the key of life, takes your life away.
#242 Nothin' But Hearseay
“I’ll tell ya somethin’, baby, that’s a fact;
you never see a hearse with a luggage rack.”
- Social Distortion, 2011’s “Can’t Take It With You”
LaFevre’s contribution:
“It may be a fact, there’s no hearse with luggage rack,
but that luggage in back, sure got a rack!”
you never see a hearse with a luggage rack.”
- Social Distortion, 2011’s “Can’t Take It With You”
LaFevre’s contribution:
“It may be a fact, there’s no hearse with luggage rack,
but that luggage in back, sure got a rack!”
Monday, January 3, 2011
#241 - A New Beginning, A New Dawn
New Year’s Resolution. Uh, yeah. LaFevre’s heard it all before. I will start doing this, I will quit doing that. The first time you fall off the wagon, you stop. Everyone resolves that they’ve failed, and it’s over. Well, LaFevre’s got news for you.
Those resolutions all of you make, should be a goal for the whole of next year. Not to be started, and if you fail, you give up; but something you start or begin, becomes short- or long-term for the remainder of the year.
You do something you swore to stop? Accept it and move on, by doing without. You’ve gone a month without beginning what you’ve promised? So start now, instead of waiting any longer.
Basically, LaFevre believes the resolution has become a dream that people wish for every year, with no hope of attaining, but by their very nature, not attaining it becomes no big deal. What a copout. The resolution, by its very nature of being something you’ve resolved yourself to do, should be considered as short-term/long-term goals, to be completed some time during the course of the year, or by year’s end.
I resolve: to lose fat, gain muscle, lower BP & cholesterol, clean out the closet, move, buy a used car, return to New Orleans, volunteer at SPCA...
Those resolutions all of you make, should be a goal for the whole of next year. Not to be started, and if you fail, you give up; but something you start or begin, becomes short- or long-term for the remainder of the year.
You do something you swore to stop? Accept it and move on, by doing without. You’ve gone a month without beginning what you’ve promised? So start now, instead of waiting any longer.
Basically, LaFevre believes the resolution has become a dream that people wish for every year, with no hope of attaining, but by their very nature, not attaining it becomes no big deal. What a copout. The resolution, by its very nature of being something you’ve resolved yourself to do, should be considered as short-term/long-term goals, to be completed some time during the course of the year, or by year’s end.
I resolve: to lose fat, gain muscle, lower BP & cholesterol, clean out the closet, move, buy a used car, return to New Orleans, volunteer at SPCA...
Friday, November 26, 2010
#240 - It Takes One To Know One
“Only someone with heart, a good heart, can see and recognize, the same in someone else.” - Dan LaFevre
Thanks, C.V., mi carnale y compadre.
Thanks, C.V., mi carnale y compadre.
Monday, November 22, 2010
#239 - Air Guitarded
This is what you are if you get caught at the airport, setting off buzzers. Fret not, for if you have to be scanned, or patted down, and an agent asks, “What is that?”, just tell them, “Oh, that’s my air guitar. I carry it everywhere I go. It’s only dangerous if you don’t know how to play it.”
Friday, November 19, 2010
#238 - Tipping The Scales
LaFevre’s first job was as a busboy in a pizzeria restaurant. He got tips at the end of the night, from the wait-staff. The amount depended on what they got. Seemed fair. At the time. The quicker the tables turned over, the quicker the tables were cleaned and prepared, the more tips garnered. It just occurred to LaFevre that no matter how hard he worked, he would only get a percentage of what the staff got. If the staff had an off night, LaFevre’s hard work didn’t matter. He only got a percentage.
Fast forward to today. Lafevre just realized, along with also realizing sometimes it takes a long time to realize things, the scam that is the tipping process for services rendered. Biggest example: restaurants. The host handles reservations and seating, and everyone who comes in the front door. A definitive diplomatic position, except that tips aren’t given for services rendered, after the fact. Tips are given for extra assistance, in advance.
But the worst part is this: we tip the wait staff, but never the chefs/cooks. Why is that?! The waitstaff merely give you the menus after you sit down. Sometimes, they come by too soon, sometimes too long after. High-end restaurants have waitstaff run down the list of specials for you, as an added service. How often do you order the special, especially after you’ve already seen the menu and picked something off that? That’s the first point of the self-inflated value the waitstaff exhibit and impose on you.
Second, they take your order and give it to the kitchen. The kitchen cooks your food, not the waitstaff. When the kitchen is done, the waitstaff deliver it. That’s all. Waiters are nothing more than messengers. And get this: if the food arrives cold, what happens? The waitstaff take it back to the kitchen, where the kitchen gets pissed off because the waitstaff took too long to pick it up and deliver it; yet the waitstaff will leave you with the impression it was the kitchen’s fault.
And the waitstaff have the nerve to EXPECT 20%? It’s why Lafever orders to go, or have it delivered, if he doesn’t already cook at home, where he has full control over the entire process and ingredients involved.
Fast forward to today. Lafevre just realized, along with also realizing sometimes it takes a long time to realize things, the scam that is the tipping process for services rendered. Biggest example: restaurants. The host handles reservations and seating, and everyone who comes in the front door. A definitive diplomatic position, except that tips aren’t given for services rendered, after the fact. Tips are given for extra assistance, in advance.
But the worst part is this: we tip the wait staff, but never the chefs/cooks. Why is that?! The waitstaff merely give you the menus after you sit down. Sometimes, they come by too soon, sometimes too long after. High-end restaurants have waitstaff run down the list of specials for you, as an added service. How often do you order the special, especially after you’ve already seen the menu and picked something off that? That’s the first point of the self-inflated value the waitstaff exhibit and impose on you.
Second, they take your order and give it to the kitchen. The kitchen cooks your food, not the waitstaff. When the kitchen is done, the waitstaff deliver it. That’s all. Waiters are nothing more than messengers. And get this: if the food arrives cold, what happens? The waitstaff take it back to the kitchen, where the kitchen gets pissed off because the waitstaff took too long to pick it up and deliver it; yet the waitstaff will leave you with the impression it was the kitchen’s fault.
And the waitstaff have the nerve to EXPECT 20%? It’s why Lafever orders to go, or have it delivered, if he doesn’t already cook at home, where he has full control over the entire process and ingredients involved.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
#237 - On The Side
There is a reason they call it a sidewalk. There is a reason why it is raised 6 inches higher than the street. It does not mean side-sit. It does not mean side-lie. And it certainly doesn’t mean side-ride. Sidewalk means side-walk. Walking on the side. The side of the road. The road, where those who use wheels travel. That means cars, AND bicycles.
“Wheels belong on the street; the sidewalk is for feet!”
“Wheels belong on the street; the sidewalk is for feet!”
Friday, October 29, 2010
#236 - Obi-Claw Kanobi
I am the Jedi master of air guitar.
He is the Jedi master of air guitar.
You don't need to see my identification.
We don't need to see his identification.
I can go about my air guitar.
He can go about his air guitar.
He is the Jedi master of air guitar.
You don't need to see my identification.
We don't need to see his identification.
I can go about my air guitar.
He can go about his air guitar.
#235 - I Know You Are, and So Am I
I may be schizophrenic, but so am I. I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other. I may be schizophrenic, but that’s because I’m beside myself. I may be schizophrenic, but we’re cool with that. I’m not schizophrenic, I’m a Gemini. Schizophrenics have one personality, split in two. Gemini’s have two whole personalities. The thing to remember is, dealing with both types yields the same results. Coming, AND going.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
#234 - Meds Vs. Meds
Huh? What’s the diff? LaFevre knows the diff. Medicine vs. medication. LaFevre believes ‘medication’ is the official term. Somewhere along the way, ‘medicine’ was adopted as slang for medication. So now, medical personnel call it medication, while those of us who take it, refer to it as ‘medicine’. That’s all and good, but LaFevre chooses to differentiate between the two, and change the meaning of one, but not the other.
LaFevre thinks it would be easy to separate in one aspect, that being in how it is dispensed. Prescriptions would be medication, based on their potency alone, while OTC (over-the-counter) would be merely medicine.
But LaFevre has a better distinction. Anything issued by prescription, or purchased over-the-counter, for the purpose of healing, whether internal or external, is considered ‘medication’.
Anything that makes you feel better, physically, or mentally, is considered ‘medicine’. Examples:
If you’ve had a hard day at work, and need to unwind, you stop by the local tavern for a pint. That’s medicine. If you’ve been away for a week on business, while your mate is at home, and hit the bedroom before unpacking, that’s medicine. LaFevre knows you know what he’s talking about.
LaFevre thinks it would be easy to separate in one aspect, that being in how it is dispensed. Prescriptions would be medication, based on their potency alone, while OTC (over-the-counter) would be merely medicine.
But LaFevre has a better distinction. Anything issued by prescription, or purchased over-the-counter, for the purpose of healing, whether internal or external, is considered ‘medication’.
Anything that makes you feel better, physically, or mentally, is considered ‘medicine’. Examples:
If you’ve had a hard day at work, and need to unwind, you stop by the local tavern for a pint. That’s medicine. If you’ve been away for a week on business, while your mate is at home, and hit the bedroom before unpacking, that’s medicine. LaFevre knows you know what he’s talking about.
#233 - Accidents Will Happen
LaFevre was recently conspiring on how to get someone access, by using tricks, via a loophole. Bottom line: conspiring. Made to look like an accident. Then he got to thinking.
Accidents happen all the time. But are they really accidents. Who knows really what percentage of accidents are really ‘accidents’. Or what percentage are really something else, based on different reasons or occurrences; or not an accident at all, but merely disguised as an accident. LaFevre sees 4 general scenarios, with others, simply a variation of the 4.
¼ of accidents are truly accidents, unpreventable, and unforseeable.
¼ of accidents are the result of someone not paying attention.
¼ of accidents are the result of someone looking the other way.
¼ of accidents are conspiracies disguised as accidents.
Accidents happen all the time. But are they really accidents. Who knows really what percentage of accidents are really ‘accidents’. Or what percentage are really something else, based on different reasons or occurrences; or not an accident at all, but merely disguised as an accident. LaFevre sees 4 general scenarios, with others, simply a variation of the 4.
¼ of accidents are truly accidents, unpreventable, and unforseeable.
¼ of accidents are the result of someone not paying attention.
¼ of accidents are the result of someone looking the other way.
¼ of accidents are conspiracies disguised as accidents.
#232 - Cause & Effect
I was just returning from the corner store, looking into the lobby of the building next to mine. Horrendous. All the junk mail, most notably, the advertisements for supermarkets, all bundled together. Safeway, Cala, Foods, Inc., Lucky's. Pathetic. So all the tenants don't feel they need to throw their own trash away, they have to leave it on the floor by the mailboxes. Did I say pathetic? I think I did.
I had that problem for years in my building. I've been there for 15 years. I said to myself, "No. I'm holding everyone responsible." Every time someone left their shit on the counter in the lobby, I picked it up. did I throw it away? No. That would be too easy, and lets them off the hook. what they all don't realize is, all the flyers/ads had their apartment numbers on it.
So I started leaving all their shit by their door. Slowly, over time, no one left their shit in the lobby. They took it upstairs and put it in their own trash.
So if you live in an apartment building, and notice the constant and same trash by the mailbox, and you want it to stop, knowing full well mentioning it is a fucking waste of time, make the small effort for a month, of separating it and dropping it in front of each tenant's door. I guarantee you, after a month, they'll stop dropping it on the floor by the mailboxes in the lobby.
Case closed.
I had that problem for years in my building. I've been there for 15 years. I said to myself, "No. I'm holding everyone responsible." Every time someone left their shit on the counter in the lobby, I picked it up. did I throw it away? No. That would be too easy, and lets them off the hook. what they all don't realize is, all the flyers/ads had their apartment numbers on it.
So I started leaving all their shit by their door. Slowly, over time, no one left their shit in the lobby. They took it upstairs and put it in their own trash.
So if you live in an apartment building, and notice the constant and same trash by the mailbox, and you want it to stop, knowing full well mentioning it is a fucking waste of time, make the small effort for a month, of separating it and dropping it in front of each tenant's door. I guarantee you, after a month, they'll stop dropping it on the floor by the mailboxes in the lobby.
Case closed.
#231 - T.P. Role Model
LaFevre will never understand how those who are responsible for ordering supplies for their company, allow things to run out before ordering. LaFevre uses toilet paper as the prime example. Do you let it run out while you're on the throne? Maybe, if there was more in the closet. But do you let the last roll disappear, knowing there's no more in the closet? Didn’t think so.
LaFever retorts...
How is it possible for a sport like tennis to be so quiet, even though everyone is always raising a racket, while bowling is one of the loudest, yet you can still hear a pin drop?
#230 - California Dreamin'
Have you ever gone to bed, and woke up five minutes later, only to realize 7 hours had just passed, and what you thought you were thinking while waiting to fall asleep, was, in fact, just a dream, and when you assumed you were awake all night, and after you immediately thought, how am I going to make it through the day, you realized it WAS all just a dream, so today is no problem? Happens to LaFevre all the time. Could be happening right now. He’ll have to think on this tonight...when he goes to bed. WAKE UP!!!
Friday, September 17, 2010
#229 - Call & Raise Ya
Tiger Claw’s purpose, put into words: “raising the bar, for air guitar”.
New addition to the dic: “air-no-goodness”,
in response to “what are you up to...now”!
New addition to the dic: “air-no-goodness”,
in response to “what are you up to...now”!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
#228 - Breaking News
LATEST NEWS UPDATE: There seems to be a lot of talk out there lately as to a certain item of origin. Commercial advertisements, online releases, etc., all claiming to be the source. Well, LaFevre’s got news for everyone:
“Windows 7 was my idea...”
“Windows 7 was my idea...”
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
#227 - Frontage Path
“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper. And I will strike down upon those with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know that my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.” Ezekiel 25:17
LaFevre’s take: it is good to walk the path, but that path dictates that there be no exceptions, and you have to help when you can, those that stray from the path; and turn the other cheek, when challenged or confronted by those off the path.
LaFevre accepts, but also rejects, the path. LaFevre walks the path, helping when necessary, but turning the other cheek simply does not work today. Sometimes, the other cheek shows that those off the path, refuse to accept the path, and need to be shown, the path.
Therefore, LaFevre walks a similar, but different path. LaFevre could blaze a new path, which would be the more difficult path, considering you have to clear the way to establish that path, encountering obstacles and resistance that will test and challenge you along the way, and occasionally stop you in your tracks.
LaFevre prefers the path beside the path. It is the path less traveled, but still in view of the original path, running parallel. The perfect analogy for that path is called the "frontage road". Every freeway/highway in America has a road that runs along side it, on the other side of the fence. And no matter where you are, everywhere you go, anywhere in the US, this road has no name, but is simply referred to as, the "frontage road".
If you cannot maintain the proper path, at least run along side it, the “frontage path”.
LaFevre’s take: it is good to walk the path, but that path dictates that there be no exceptions, and you have to help when you can, those that stray from the path; and turn the other cheek, when challenged or confronted by those off the path.
LaFevre accepts, but also rejects, the path. LaFevre walks the path, helping when necessary, but turning the other cheek simply does not work today. Sometimes, the other cheek shows that those off the path, refuse to accept the path, and need to be shown, the path.
Therefore, LaFevre walks a similar, but different path. LaFevre could blaze a new path, which would be the more difficult path, considering you have to clear the way to establish that path, encountering obstacles and resistance that will test and challenge you along the way, and occasionally stop you in your tracks.
LaFevre prefers the path beside the path. It is the path less traveled, but still in view of the original path, running parallel. The perfect analogy for that path is called the "frontage road". Every freeway/highway in America has a road that runs along side it, on the other side of the fence. And no matter where you are, everywhere you go, anywhere in the US, this road has no name, but is simply referred to as, the "frontage road".
If you cannot maintain the proper path, at least run along side it, the “frontage path”.
#226 - Brain Cloud
Here’s another example of an existing term (sorta), that LaFevre has added to. The term comes from the film, “Joe Versus The Volcano”, starring Tom Hanks as a loser who is manipulated into jumping into a volcano, to placate the island chief (Abe Vigoda), as a favor to a doctor (Lloyd Bridges) who wants to mine the island for precious materials (also starring Meg Ryan in three different roles). He tells Tom Hanks he has a terminal condition, called a “brain cloud”, to convince him to jump into the volcano, as a selfless act of valor. Unfortunately, because it was completely fabricated, there was no real definition of this “brain cloud” provided. Until now!
LaFevre recently was at a loss to figure out something that was right there in front of him. Common sense and logic were nowhere present. So LaFevre remembered this “brain cloud” term, and thought, this would be the perfect definition for any situation where our intelligence takes a coffee break, and the brain is left to fend for itself, in empty space. And it’s temporary, not terminal. So instead of life-threatening, it’s only ego-embarrassing.
LaFevre recently was at a loss to figure out something that was right there in front of him. Common sense and logic were nowhere present. So LaFevre remembered this “brain cloud” term, and thought, this would be the perfect definition for any situation where our intelligence takes a coffee break, and the brain is left to fend for itself, in empty space. And it’s temporary, not terminal. So instead of life-threatening, it’s only ego-embarrassing.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Longstreet - an excert from My Chequered Life, the LaFevre Autobiography
During the fifties, Dad was in the Army, stationed at San Francisco’s Presidio base. Mom worked on the base, as well. Probably how they met, no doubt. So, they would often go down to Fort Point, an old brick stronghold built in the 1800’s to guard the golden gate against invading armadas. It is located under the span at the southern end of the Golden Gate Bridge. The road down was a dead end, ending at Fort Point, but the road didn’t have a name. Hell, it was probably considered just a side road, for military support reasons. After all, there were no residences or other buildings between the main road and the Fort Point. Dad’s friends use to badger him about his and Mom’s romantic trysts at the Point. Back in the day, that’s what it was all about. Making out. Soon after, Dad was shipped out to Korea to drive supply trucks to the front line during the Korean War. Mom stayed behind to do her part to support the war effort.
Dad, ever the joker, told me that because of their trysts at the Point, the street was later named after him; that being “Long Avenue”. It was true that the road was named shortly after he left, but for the reason Dad gave, it was highly coincidental. It is official and on the map as Long Avenue. But I knew my Dad. He was always about pulling our legs. One story that stands out: driving through the country, Dad would point out the cows standing on the hills. He called them side-hill cows, with shorter legs on one side, to stand upright. We bought it, and didn't realize till years later, the legs were simply extended forward to compensate for the hillside. Oh, dad.
So I thought, ‘Long Avenue’. Sounds right. But Dad was a private. And I seriously doubt the Presidio, a military base dating back to the 1800’s, would consider naming a street after my dad, however short and inconsequential that street was, and that he was a private, even if he and Mom made it famous, albeit locally. So I decided to research it. Inquiring minds want to know.
So I called the Presidio Office of Archives and told them my situation. I knew they would assume I was jerking their chain, but after hearing me out, they actually sympathized with me, based on all of the details as I outlined above. They said they’d research the origin of the street name and who it was really named after, and get back to me.
I received a call a week later with the news for which I was seeking. I wasn’t surprised, but I was impressed; not by the Presidio and their actions, but the presumed actions of my dad’s service buddies. I was told that the street was named after a Brigadier-General who served in the Navy during the late 1800’s. It wasn’t exactly stated that he was stationed at Fort Point, per se, but was a frequent visitor to the Presidio base.
This is where it obviously becomes purely speculation; but considering the facts and the coinciding with my dad’s visits to the Point, and the name being issued shortly after his transfer overseas, it’s easy to surmise the following: his buddies wanted to commemorate Mom & Dad’s ‘sessions’ down there, for which his buddies had so much fun watching from above, and the fun they had with him after; and since the street had no name at the time, they attempted to have it named after him, after his departure. The Office responsible for this effort couldn’t do it. The case wasn’t enough to support a street name, especially for a private. So they asked to see reference material on names in the military of notable stature; enough to support a street name. Had to be someone famous. We’re talking a street name here. Forever emblazoned on signs along its path, and on every map in distribution.
They found it in the form of a Brigadier-General, last name ‘Long’ - a Navy officer who frequented the Point back during the turn-of-the-century. They submitted the paperwork. It was accepted. It was official. The turnoff street leading down to Fort Point was now named “Long Avenue”. Named officially after, and in the guise of, a turn-of-the-century Naval officer; but in reality, dedicated to my dad. What a wonderful tribute. I wish I had actual proof, but the circumstances are good enough for me. A nice piece of history to pass on for generations.
Dad, ever the joker, told me that because of their trysts at the Point, the street was later named after him; that being “Long Avenue”. It was true that the road was named shortly after he left, but for the reason Dad gave, it was highly coincidental. It is official and on the map as Long Avenue. But I knew my Dad. He was always about pulling our legs. One story that stands out: driving through the country, Dad would point out the cows standing on the hills. He called them side-hill cows, with shorter legs on one side, to stand upright. We bought it, and didn't realize till years later, the legs were simply extended forward to compensate for the hillside. Oh, dad.
So I thought, ‘Long Avenue’. Sounds right. But Dad was a private. And I seriously doubt the Presidio, a military base dating back to the 1800’s, would consider naming a street after my dad, however short and inconsequential that street was, and that he was a private, even if he and Mom made it famous, albeit locally. So I decided to research it. Inquiring minds want to know.
So I called the Presidio Office of Archives and told them my situation. I knew they would assume I was jerking their chain, but after hearing me out, they actually sympathized with me, based on all of the details as I outlined above. They said they’d research the origin of the street name and who it was really named after, and get back to me.
I received a call a week later with the news for which I was seeking. I wasn’t surprised, but I was impressed; not by the Presidio and their actions, but the presumed actions of my dad’s service buddies. I was told that the street was named after a Brigadier-General who served in the Navy during the late 1800’s. It wasn’t exactly stated that he was stationed at Fort Point, per se, but was a frequent visitor to the Presidio base.
This is where it obviously becomes purely speculation; but considering the facts and the coinciding with my dad’s visits to the Point, and the name being issued shortly after his transfer overseas, it’s easy to surmise the following: his buddies wanted to commemorate Mom & Dad’s ‘sessions’ down there, for which his buddies had so much fun watching from above, and the fun they had with him after; and since the street had no name at the time, they attempted to have it named after him, after his departure. The Office responsible for this effort couldn’t do it. The case wasn’t enough to support a street name, especially for a private. So they asked to see reference material on names in the military of notable stature; enough to support a street name. Had to be someone famous. We’re talking a street name here. Forever emblazoned on signs along its path, and on every map in distribution.
They found it in the form of a Brigadier-General, last name ‘Long’ - a Navy officer who frequented the Point back during the turn-of-the-century. They submitted the paperwork. It was accepted. It was official. The turnoff street leading down to Fort Point was now named “Long Avenue”. Named officially after, and in the guise of, a turn-of-the-century Naval officer; but in reality, dedicated to my dad. What a wonderful tribute. I wish I had actual proof, but the circumstances are good enough for me. A nice piece of history to pass on for generations.
#225 - Legendary Iconics
Legends vs. Icons. a subjective point of contention. But only between people who like to argue the point. To LaFevre, it’s a non-issue. What exactly is the difference? Longevity. Consistency. And impact. all legends are icons, but not all icons are legends. Icons reach legendary status, in a short period of time, achieving the status of icon. But icons become legends when they maintain iconic status for a lengthy period of time. you want examples, LaFevre can tell.
In all your major sports, the legends are those who set records decades ago, who have yet to have those records broken. Icons are the superstars of today, on track to break those records, but haven’t come close yet. In Monster Trucks, Tom Meents/Maximum Destruction holds the most titles, but is only an icon, whereas Dennis Anderson/Gravedigger, is the legend here. In wrestling, Hulk Hogan and Ric flair are your legends, while the icons the likes of Undertaker, Sting, Shawn Michaels, Bret Hart, etc. how about basketball – Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Wilt Chamberlain are the legends, but Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson and Larry Byrd would be icons. Even though thewy’re all retired, in a few years they will classified as legends. It’s all about the matter of time. Other legends: Pele (futbol), Wayne Gretsky (hockey). And golf: Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, etc, all legends. Tiger (the other tiger) is still only an icon. sure, it may a matter of semantics, and subjective, but some things are given. to that, there is no argument.
In all your major sports, the legends are those who set records decades ago, who have yet to have those records broken. Icons are the superstars of today, on track to break those records, but haven’t come close yet. In Monster Trucks, Tom Meents/Maximum Destruction holds the most titles, but is only an icon, whereas Dennis Anderson/Gravedigger, is the legend here. In wrestling, Hulk Hogan and Ric flair are your legends, while the icons the likes of Undertaker, Sting, Shawn Michaels, Bret Hart, etc. how about basketball – Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Wilt Chamberlain are the legends, but Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson and Larry Byrd would be icons. Even though thewy’re all retired, in a few years they will classified as legends. It’s all about the matter of time. Other legends: Pele (futbol), Wayne Gretsky (hockey). And golf: Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, etc, all legends. Tiger (the other tiger) is still only an icon. sure, it may a matter of semantics, and subjective, but some things are given. to that, there is no argument.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
#224 - Moronic Idiocracy
For years, I've been using two terms interchangably, to describe people and their actions. Idiots, and morons. I never gave much thought to it until today, when I realized, there is a slight difference. Idiots are so, because they're ignorant. Morons are just plain stupid.
But Hutch made the case for training purposes. Hutch is one of Tiger Claw's original 7 samurai, and regularly consulted for his opinion, along with that of the other 6 samurai. LaFevre says, maybe so, but idiots refuse to listen, and morons fail to understand. In the long run. Good luck with that one.
But Hutch made the case for training purposes. Hutch is one of Tiger Claw's original 7 samurai, and regularly consulted for his opinion, along with that of the other 6 samurai. LaFevre says, maybe so, but idiots refuse to listen, and morons fail to understand. In the long run. Good luck with that one.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
#223 - You, Me, & T.P.
TP: The only item you need to take care of all the needs that are taken care of by other items. First, there’s the all-powerful, ever-necessary, toilet paper. Then, the paper towel, napkin, and tissue. The paper towel, napkin and tissue are luxury items, while the TP is the necessity item. No one should be embarrassed to use TP for all 4 purposes. Allow LaFevre to add a backup emergency item to your arsenal – sanitary wipes. They eliminate the need to use a spray. But on that unfortunate occasion when you run out of TP, and go to the closet, only to discover nothing there, and it’s in the middle of the night, when the corner store is closed, whip out a few sanitary wipes, and lay out to dry (wiping with a wet wipe is simply unacceptable). After the wipe, you’ve not only disinfected, but added a pleasant aroma, which is a good thing, in certain situations. After all, the root of “cologne”, is “colon”.
#222 - Just, Give...It...Up
Overheard during a casual conversation at a social gathering:
Unknown: “Oh, so you think you know it all, you think you’re all that.”
LaFevre: “...and a bag of chips.”
Unknown: “Now you think your funny, too.”
LaFevre: “I don’t think; I only know.”
Uknown: “Well, excuuuuse me.”
LaFevre: “There’s no excuse for you. Only pity.”
Unknown: (Mr. T. voice) “I pity the fool!”
LaFevre: (Obi-Dan voice) “Who’s the more foolish, the fool, or the one who follows him.”
Uknown: “I give up.”
LaFevre: “Better to give up than to give in. “Giving up” is merely a realization that there’s no hope, and bowing out gracefully. Giving in, is accepting defeat without any grace whatsoever. Have a drink, on me.”
Unknown: “Oh, so you think you know it all, you think you’re all that.”
LaFevre: “...and a bag of chips.”
Unknown: “Now you think your funny, too.”
LaFevre: “I don’t think; I only know.”
Uknown: “Well, excuuuuse me.”
LaFevre: “There’s no excuse for you. Only pity.”
Unknown: (Mr. T. voice) “I pity the fool!”
LaFevre: (Obi-Dan voice) “Who’s the more foolish, the fool, or the one who follows him.”
Uknown: “I give up.”
LaFevre: “Better to give up than to give in. “Giving up” is merely a realization that there’s no hope, and bowing out gracefully. Giving in, is accepting defeat without any grace whatsoever. Have a drink, on me.”
Monday, July 19, 2010
#221 - Sidewalkers & Weavels
New additions to the LaFevre Dictionary of Contemporary Terms, along with sub-terms, as it relates to “sidewalkers”.
LaFevre has new terms for those who are problem walkers who are a nuisance on the sidewalks. Two were already exposed in fevism #122 “You’re Trippin’ “, ones who drag there feet, called “stumbleweeds”, and the condition that causes it, “slackfoot”.
One is “weavel”. A “weavel” is one who wanders while walking, drifting from the left to right, and back. “Weavels” make it difficult to pass, because when you move to one side to pass, they drift into your path. After 3 attempts, one can’t help out but scream, “Hey, one side or the other, pal.
The other is “sidewalker”. A “sidewalker” is just someone who walks on the on the sidewalk, that’s a pedestrian. Noooo. “Sidewalkers” are those who travel in groups, or what LaFevre likes to call, “packs”. Why? Because for some reason, they all have to walk side-by-side. Two-wide is fine. But three- or four-wide? C’Mon. Do you really half to take up the whole sidewalk, so anyone coming from the other direction, has to move all the way to the side, and sometimes on the outside of a pole or tree? No respect. These are “side-walkers”.
Solution: do what LaFevre does (of course it helps if you’re big, look bad, and also pretend like you aren’t paying attention): walk down the middle. You can see “sidewalker packs” from a distance. Find a line, and stick with it. 9 times out of 10, the pack will part. If not, bump them. If they speak? Turn around, act psycho and drop the bomb: “Do you really need the whole f/n sidewalk?”
This was worth a whole page.
LaFevre has new terms for those who are problem walkers who are a nuisance on the sidewalks. Two were already exposed in fevism #122 “You’re Trippin’ “, ones who drag there feet, called “stumbleweeds”, and the condition that causes it, “slackfoot”.
One is “weavel”. A “weavel” is one who wanders while walking, drifting from the left to right, and back. “Weavels” make it difficult to pass, because when you move to one side to pass, they drift into your path. After 3 attempts, one can’t help out but scream, “Hey, one side or the other, pal.
The other is “sidewalker”. A “sidewalker” is just someone who walks on the on the sidewalk, that’s a pedestrian. Noooo. “Sidewalkers” are those who travel in groups, or what LaFevre likes to call, “packs”. Why? Because for some reason, they all have to walk side-by-side. Two-wide is fine. But three- or four-wide? C’Mon. Do you really half to take up the whole sidewalk, so anyone coming from the other direction, has to move all the way to the side, and sometimes on the outside of a pole or tree? No respect. These are “side-walkers”.
Solution: do what LaFevre does (of course it helps if you’re big, look bad, and also pretend like you aren’t paying attention): walk down the middle. You can see “sidewalker packs” from a distance. Find a line, and stick with it. 9 times out of 10, the pack will part. If not, bump them. If they speak? Turn around, act psycho and drop the bomb: “Do you really need the whole f/n sidewalk?”
This was worth a whole page.
LaFever retorts...
LaFevre's favorite things to do at Walmart:
Filling shopping carts and leaving them in the aisles
When someone walks away from their cart, add stuff to it.
Set up a full-scale battlefield with all the little army men.
Ride a display bicycle through the store, saying it's a test drive.
Take a nap in the display patio furniture.
Filling shopping carts and leaving them in the aisles
When someone walks away from their cart, add stuff to it.
Set up a full-scale battlefield with all the little army men.
Ride a display bicycle through the store, saying it's a test drive.
Take a nap in the display patio furniture.
#220 - Pause For The Cause
Each day, LaFevre prepares for that night’s entertainment, along with a double-wide of fine wine. But on those days where the next begins a vacation, he prepares with two. Why? To start of the vacation right. As in...right after he wakes the next day. When else?!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
#219 - LeStreak
What is it about streaks being invoked by the media. We’re talking sports streaks here. LaFevre believes there needs to be a rule book for streaks.
#1 – There no streaks in football. Why? Games are played once a week. It’s just not fair.
#2 – The streak should be tiered. Dynasty teams, such as the Yanks, Sox, Mets, Dodgers, Giants, etc, win more than they lose, so in all fairness, consecutive wins over 10 become streaks, as do the top 3 teams in each division in the current year. Conversely, the bottom 3 in each division in the current year, who are losing more than they are winning, get the streak starting at 5 in a row.
#3 – Effective immediately, all streaks across the field shall be done by women, not men. Sorry ladies.
#1 – There no streaks in football. Why? Games are played once a week. It’s just not fair.
#2 – The streak should be tiered. Dynasty teams, such as the Yanks, Sox, Mets, Dodgers, Giants, etc, win more than they lose, so in all fairness, consecutive wins over 10 become streaks, as do the top 3 teams in each division in the current year. Conversely, the bottom 3 in each division in the current year, who are losing more than they are winning, get the streak starting at 5 in a row.
#3 – Effective immediately, all streaks across the field shall be done by women, not men. Sorry ladies.
Friday, July 16, 2010
#218 - Art Of The Spoken Word
It’s all in the delivery. Of course, it helps if you’re bigger than everyone else. so, with that in mind...
Wherever you are (work, party, social gatherings), and want to deliver a criticism, or even an insult, without having to suffer repercussions for doing so, LaFevre has the solution. Whatever it is you have to say, start out with “Well, from what I hear” or “From what I’ve been told”, then deliver the blow, as if you’re the messenger. The closing line should cover your ass. Raise your hands and shrug your shoulders as if you “don’t know”, and repeat after LaFevre: “I’m just sayin...”! That line will should render you neutral, if you deliver it correctly. Hopefully.
Wherever you are (work, party, social gatherings), and want to deliver a criticism, or even an insult, without having to suffer repercussions for doing so, LaFevre has the solution. Whatever it is you have to say, start out with “Well, from what I hear” or “From what I’ve been told”, then deliver the blow, as if you’re the messenger. The closing line should cover your ass. Raise your hands and shrug your shoulders as if you “don’t know”, and repeat after LaFevre: “I’m just sayin...”! That line will should render you neutral, if you deliver it correctly. Hopefully.
Friday, July 9, 2010
#217 - All In Your Head
Unless you actually possess the power of ESP (extra sensory perception), as in, reading others’ thoughts, it’s all in your head. But a few of us do possess certain skills, on a much higher, acute level, such as: attention-to-detail, common sense, deductive, intuitive, logical, and observational abilities. These skills tend to lead others to believe you have the ability to read minds. It certainly would appear so, on the surface.Prime prerequisites for the field of criminology and law enforcement. LaFevre is the first to admit, it feels good. But to put others’ minds at ease, he immediately gives up the goods as to how he came to know. LaFevre’s quote for the record:
"The flaw in reading minds, is the potential to misread at times,
and also run the risk of a mind changing during in the process,
but not as risky as the person denying you were right all along."
"The flaw in reading minds, is the potential to misread at times,
and also run the risk of a mind changing during in the process,
but not as risky as the person denying you were right all along."
#216 - The Unthinkable
“I think; therefore, I am.” – Rene Descartes
From your teens through your 20’s, your only concern is what people think of you. In your 30’s, you want to know, but only out of curiosity. After 40, it no longer matters what anyone else thinks, when it comes to you. As Popeye once said, “I am what I am, and that’s all that I am.”
From your teens through your 20’s, your only concern is what people think of you. In your 30’s, you want to know, but only out of curiosity. After 40, it no longer matters what anyone else thinks, when it comes to you. As Popeye once said, “I am what I am, and that’s all that I am.”
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tiger Claw says...
I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there, as the left-hand man, and I would rather not see you everyday.
#215 - See The Light, Know The Light
Another addition to the dictionary. Why LaFevre didn’t think of this long before now, but so be it. Sometimes it takes awhile to apply a material word to a realization, like a breath of fresh air in the cold, becoming steam in the process. Poetic, yes? Most call them inspirations. This term represents the inspiration LaFevre has, that evolves into a fevism. And that would be...the Fevision. Awright, quiet down. LaFevre’s ears are burning.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
#214 - Hocus Pocus
“No one who ever paid attention, suffered as a result of it;
unlike those who didn’t, and missed out altogether.”
unlike those who didn’t, and missed out altogether.”
Friday, June 25, 2010
#213 - Cafe Bacteria
Got milk? Then Got This? Got That? Everything is plagiarized. Rarely today is anything brand-spanking new. So in the interest of plagiaristic tradition, LaFevre gives you the next marketing package...for fat burners.
Remember the RAID commercials that even still run today, with those little animated cartoon pests that freak when RAID appears? Now they appear in medicine commercials, as mucus, bacteria, viruses, etc.
LaFever envisions these same parasites as FAT CELLS. After popping a fat-burner, it coats the body’s interior, similar to Pepto-Bismol, and the “fat cells” cry out in agony – “I’m melting”.
Remember the RAID commercials that even still run today, with those little animated cartoon pests that freak when RAID appears? Now they appear in medicine commercials, as mucus, bacteria, viruses, etc.
LaFever envisions these same parasites as FAT CELLS. After popping a fat-burner, it coats the body’s interior, similar to Pepto-Bismol, and the “fat cells” cry out in agony – “I’m melting”.
#212 - Sowing Seeds
No matter where LaFevre goes, there’s a fevism waiting to happen. Saw it on the bus today. Cigarette butts? No. Chewing tobacco? No. We’re talking “sunflower seeds”. LaFever can’t think of, at least at the moment, a worse food for several reasons: complete disregard to proper disposal, and the follow-up janitorial efforts. Here you have a seed, where the shell isn’t consumed, only the interior. The seed is too small to break apart individually, just to get to the interior, unlike pistachio’s, or walnuts, with help from a device. So the sunflower seed, or more accurately, seeds, since no one pops one seed at a time, are popped into the mouth, and more effort than is worth is undertaken just to get to that little nut inside. Where do the shells go? The floor. The ground.
Some will remove them by hand, but most consider that nasty and unsanitary, and would rather spit them out. On the floor. Or ground. ‘Scuse me? And any janitor will tell how difficult it is to clean it up. Ecchhh!!!
Some will remove them by hand, but most consider that nasty and unsanitary, and would rather spit them out. On the floor. Or ground. ‘Scuse me? And any janitor will tell how difficult it is to clean it up. Ecchhh!!!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
#211 - Cat In The Hat
Not exactly. Never tell Tiger Claw “the cat was let out of the bag”, because the Claw will put you on the spot: “So why was the cat in the bag in the first place?” Hard to defend yourself on that one, without some sort of backlash.
LaFever Retorts...
We all know light travels faster than sound, which means a person may appear bright, until they remove all doubt when they speak.
#210 - White Noise
LaFever has always wanted to live above a corner bar. Deck and everything. He doesn’t mind the noise. Being born & raised in SF has had this effect, and the noise has become family. He’s often asked why, and has this to say: “If it’s too quiet, I can’t get to sleep!”
#209 - Systems Check
Let’s do a systems analysis here. There’s a system for everything. But the system LaFevre is referring to here, is the system that represents bureaucracy. A system that was built or created to bring order out of chaos, that ended up becoming the exact opposite of what it was designed to prevent. Progress. Now, the system is synonymous with Congress, er, the opposite of progress. Sorry, couldn’t resist. LaFevre could go on forever, but needed to stress the point behind “the system”.
LaFevre says: “You can’t truly beat the system until you’ve successfully cheated the system”. Examples could be given, but that would be foolish, dontcha think? After all, secrets cease to remain secrets when they’re revealed, right? One more thought, from the Book Of The LoongTao, “The knowledge a secret exists, is half the secret”. The best part is, y’all are still in the dark.
LaFevre says: “You can’t truly beat the system until you’ve successfully cheated the system”. Examples could be given, but that would be foolish, dontcha think? After all, secrets cease to remain secrets when they’re revealed, right? One more thought, from the Book Of The LoongTao, “The knowledge a secret exists, is half the secret”. The best part is, y’all are still in the dark.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
#208 - Doggie-Do, Or Don't
Okay, LaFevre agrees. Dog owners are responsible for the mess their pets do while outside in public. But before LaFevre gets to his exception to the rule, he read someone else’s –ism, and was impressed. If aliens ever arrived, and, looking down, saw us humans picking up shit after their dogs, their first assumption would be the dogs are the master race and we the humans are their slaves. LMAO.
Now for the point. Pick it up off the street. Check. Pick it up off the grass. Check. Bushes? Not so fast. People don’t walk through, or sleep in, bushes. Bushes are the exception. Shit is organic and biodegradable. LaFevre says, leave it be.
Now for the point. Pick it up off the street. Check. Pick it up off the grass. Check. Bushes? Not so fast. People don’t walk through, or sleep in, bushes. Bushes are the exception. Shit is organic and biodegradable. LaFevre says, leave it be.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
#207 - Ink, Inc.
Ink comes from the blood of the octopus. Imagine the symbolism of yesteryear, where signing something in blood, your blood, would be the same as using a pen. Maybe signing in human blood occurred because an actual pen was not available. Maybe an actual pen was not available because the ink from an octopus was not available.
What LaFevre is getting at, is this: he recently acquired a pirate pendant. A skull & crossbones. The usual pewter crap. He painted it black. Then came the gold paint to fill the eyes. Unfortunately, the tip was too large for the eye sockets, so only the rim got coated. A red marker was useless to fill the now-black eye sockets. LaFevre looked for red paint in the closet, to drip into the eye sockets, to no avail.
But LaFevre, a diabetic, says, hey, how ‘bout using the glucose monitor used to poke the finger, to drop some of his own blood into the eye sockets. Done deal. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, “blood-shot eyes”.
What LaFevre is getting at, is this: he recently acquired a pirate pendant. A skull & crossbones. The usual pewter crap. He painted it black. Then came the gold paint to fill the eyes. Unfortunately, the tip was too large for the eye sockets, so only the rim got coated. A red marker was useless to fill the now-black eye sockets. LaFevre looked for red paint in the closet, to drip into the eye sockets, to no avail.
But LaFevre, a diabetic, says, hey, how ‘bout using the glucose monitor used to poke the finger, to drop some of his own blood into the eye sockets. Done deal. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, “blood-shot eyes”.
#206 - Umbrella Logic
LaFevre ran into a buddy in the rain and asked him where his umbrella was. He pulled out this little tiny one. LaFevre opened his extra-wide umbrella. The buddy said, "Damn, you could fit 3 people under there." LaFevre responded, "Yup, but only one guy, me."
#205 - Need To Know Basis
Listening to politicians speak is like, (insert analogy here). Understanding it is truly a lesson in futility. But after viewing a recent video of a veteran politician, speaking publicly, responding to the vaguest-of-vague questions the media loves to throw out: “what are your thoughts?”, it dawned on LaFevre.
The media is as much to blame as the politician. Basically, you have the media, using the platform of representing the people, when they’re really representing themselves, for the obvious reason, ratings; because ultimately, what the people see, is really what the media wants them to see. So, in essence, the media is really twisting what THEY see into ratings, by leaving out details, appealing to the public’s emotions, and getting away with it. Manipulation on the grandest of scales, aka, “mindfuck on a mass proportion”. Just like politicians. But with more power. After all, the media can make or break a politician, with a flick of a pen.
The politicians know this, so they spin their answers to the media’s questions, to a point where the people don’t understand the answer. The media is forced to shorten the politicians’ answers to “soundbites”; short, edited, responses, that are intended to grab the attention of the people. The people think it’s done on purpose, as part of politicians’ job, and maybe it’s partially true, but LaFevre believes it may be done, not to keep the people in the dark, although that may be partially true, but simply as a defense mechanism to the media.
The media is as much to blame as the politician. Basically, you have the media, using the platform of representing the people, when they’re really representing themselves, for the obvious reason, ratings; because ultimately, what the people see, is really what the media wants them to see. So, in essence, the media is really twisting what THEY see into ratings, by leaving out details, appealing to the public’s emotions, and getting away with it. Manipulation on the grandest of scales, aka, “mindfuck on a mass proportion”. Just like politicians. But with more power. After all, the media can make or break a politician, with a flick of a pen.
The politicians know this, so they spin their answers to the media’s questions, to a point where the people don’t understand the answer. The media is forced to shorten the politicians’ answers to “soundbites”; short, edited, responses, that are intended to grab the attention of the people. The people think it’s done on purpose, as part of politicians’ job, and maybe it’s partially true, but LaFevre believes it may be done, not to keep the people in the dark, although that may be partially true, but simply as a defense mechanism to the media.
#204 - Watch'ya Watch Say?
It doesn’t say anything, you have to look at it. But seriously, folks…watches are for folks who are more concerned with status. Even more so now, since we see the time when using our cell phones more than we consult our actual watches. LaFevre’s belief: people who wear watches are nothing more than timekeepers; simply there for us who need to know the time. We ask, you answer. Hurts, don’t it?!
#203 - Run Of The Bulls
The legendary Michael Jordan. Chicago Bulls. “Air Jordan”. Red Bull. The energy drink that started it all. After years of watching Jordan fly, and years of seeing Red Bull spots and hearing their ‘image line’, LaFevre pontificates: is the Red Bull tag line an homage, to honor Jordan, or was it a collaboration between the two, or strictly coincidence?
If it was collaborative, LaFevre tips his hat to the most high-level, marketing, tie-in secret in the ad biz today. LaFevre is also quick to take credit for this discovery, since no one else has yet to make the connection, to LaFevre’s knowledge. If they had, it would be common knowledge. If not, LaFevre suggests a strategically-placed call to Red Bull, calling them on this more-than-coincidental occurrence, and suggesting the placement of himself as spokesman.
LaFevre can see the future: RedBull cartoon characters playing B-ball. One drinks a RedBull, and lifts off over the heads of all the others, from one end of the court to the other, slam-dunking for three points. After all, his last step was outside the arc. Cue the tag: “Red Bull gives you wiiings…”
If it was collaborative, LaFevre tips his hat to the most high-level, marketing, tie-in secret in the ad biz today. LaFevre is also quick to take credit for this discovery, since no one else has yet to make the connection, to LaFevre’s knowledge. If they had, it would be common knowledge. If not, LaFevre suggests a strategically-placed call to Red Bull, calling them on this more-than-coincidental occurrence, and suggesting the placement of himself as spokesman.
LaFevre can see the future: RedBull cartoon characters playing B-ball. One drinks a RedBull, and lifts off over the heads of all the others, from one end of the court to the other, slam-dunking for three points. After all, his last step was outside the arc. Cue the tag: “Red Bull gives you wiiings…”
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
#202 - Clockwatchers
Time flies when you're having fun. But what about at work? Which would you prefer: watching the clock because the day is taking forever? Or watching the clock because you're running out of time, to do what you gotta do, which is a good thing?! It means the end is near. And that means time for fun, which then means, time is about to fly. Twice as fast, of course.
#201 - In The Toilet
A fevism double-shot. Firstly, what is it about toilet humor that is so immature and childish, that one must be mature enough to tolerate it and not be offended by it?
And secondly, as a prime example, here’s some of that very humor, immature in nature, but even the most mature have to laugh at it, cuz you know it’s true.
Every once in awhile, LaFever likes to aim directly into the pool, hearing the flow as it hits the pond, making bubbles in the process. LaFever thinks it has to annoy some, especially when they’re sitting in a stall. The part LaFever can’t wait for, and hopes to happen some time in the future, is a comment from the stall: “Do we really have to hear you pee?”. Finally. “Fuck yeah, if I gotta smell your shit!”
And secondly, as a prime example, here’s some of that very humor, immature in nature, but even the most mature have to laugh at it, cuz you know it’s true.
Every once in awhile, LaFever likes to aim directly into the pool, hearing the flow as it hits the pond, making bubbles in the process. LaFever thinks it has to annoy some, especially when they’re sitting in a stall. The part LaFever can’t wait for, and hopes to happen some time in the future, is a comment from the stall: “Do we really have to hear you pee?”. Finally. “Fuck yeah, if I gotta smell your shit!”
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Reflections...after a landmark 200 fevisms...
We've come a long way, baby. Can that be used? I hope I don't get a call from Virgina Slims. Fevisms continues to keep it light, while making light of other things, and sometimes, even people. On this landmark occasion, celebrating 200 fevisms, I thought I'd share a few reflections on what I've seen, learned, and discovered.
I love poetry, long walks on the beach,
and poking dead things with a stick.
I'm ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there,
and I don't want to see you everyday.
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
Don't take it from me, I'm nobody.
But then again, nobody's perfect.
So take it from me,
Cuz I'm perfect.
I love poetry, long walks on the beach,
and poking dead things with a stick.
I'm ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there,
and I don't want to see you everyday.
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
Don't take it from me, I'm nobody.
But then again, nobody's perfect.
So take it from me,
Cuz I'm perfect.
#200 - A Sea Of Pink
Thee perfect segue from fevism #199. There are already multiple terms for vegetarian. There’s “semi”, where poultry, eggs, and dairy are allowed, but not meat and pork. Then there’s ovo- (egg) and lacto- (dairy) vegetarian, which allows eggs and/or dairy, respectively, but not poultry, of course. You won’t see “avian-vegetarian” because poultry is allowed, along with eggs and dary, under the “semi” moniker.
And then you have “vegan”, which doesn’t allow anything, except fruits, vegetables, and grains. Wait, is fish allowed? Is fish considered a meat? I know poultry is, but that’s considered a white meat, not like beef or pork, and not allowed. Oh wait, isn’t pork the other white meat. No, that’s all Marketing/PR from the pork industry. So does that mean a semi-vegetarian cannot eat red meat, but CAN eat white meat (poultry), but not the “other white meat”, since it’s red before you cook it?
Maybe seafood is the only meat that IS allowed. But why? Is it because feet is the deciding factor, since cows, pigs and birds can walk, but fish can’t? Some of the birds we consume, can’t fly. But flying is not an exemption. When LaFevre eats salmon or tuna, sometimes it tastes like chicken. Well, at least the tuna made by “Chicken Of The Sea”. Does that count?
Since beef is considered red meat, and meat from the pig is primarily red, for the most part, including the other white meat “pork”, and all poultry is white meat, LaFevre believes, and you heard it here first, folks, seafood is the newly-created “pink meat”. Think about it: if you drink red wine with beef or pork, and white wine with poultry, what do you drink with seafood? Exactly – Rose, or White Zinfandel, if you’re from SF. Don’t argue with LaFevre. He knows. He’s from SF. And doesn’t drink White Zinfandel. Sorry, ladies only.
And then you have “vegan”, which doesn’t allow anything, except fruits, vegetables, and grains. Wait, is fish allowed? Is fish considered a meat? I know poultry is, but that’s considered a white meat, not like beef or pork, and not allowed. Oh wait, isn’t pork the other white meat. No, that’s all Marketing/PR from the pork industry. So does that mean a semi-vegetarian cannot eat red meat, but CAN eat white meat (poultry), but not the “other white meat”, since it’s red before you cook it?
Maybe seafood is the only meat that IS allowed. But why? Is it because feet is the deciding factor, since cows, pigs and birds can walk, but fish can’t? Some of the birds we consume, can’t fly. But flying is not an exemption. When LaFevre eats salmon or tuna, sometimes it tastes like chicken. Well, at least the tuna made by “Chicken Of The Sea”. Does that count?
Since beef is considered red meat, and meat from the pig is primarily red, for the most part, including the other white meat “pork”, and all poultry is white meat, LaFevre believes, and you heard it here first, folks, seafood is the newly-created “pink meat”. Think about it: if you drink red wine with beef or pork, and white wine with poultry, what do you drink with seafood? Exactly – Rose, or White Zinfandel, if you’re from SF. Don’t argue with LaFevre. He knows. He’s from SF. And doesn’t drink White Zinfandel. Sorry, ladies only.
#199 - Straight Edge Society
The new breed for the next generation. My generation calls it “clean & sober”. LaFevre gives props for first hearing this term from a professional wrestler: CM Punk. It stands for nothing unnatural going into the body. No drugs, alcohol, tobacco, or prescription drugs. Although LaFevre fathoms if it’s a matter of life & death, and the doctor administers it while you’re laying on a gurney, not much of a choice there.
LaFevre once questioned why tattoos were not included. Piercings were acceptable, since nothing went “into” the body, per se, only “through” the body. But tattoos, although topical in nature, and not necessarily going “into” the body, per se, but ink being injected into/under the skin, a few layers down, qualifies in LaFevre’s book, especially if complications develop that affect the body in a certain way, such as allergic reactions and infections.
But in the overall big picture of things, LaFevre wonders where nutrition and consumption falls into all of this. After all, if Pepsi is the end-all, be-all for the current straight-edge society, I applaud their enthusiasm when it comes to the medicine cabinet, but question their lack of consideration for the kitchen table. Pepsi is nothing more than: caramel coloring, high fructose corn syrup, caffeine and carbonated water. Not exactly natural ingredients here, folks.
The illegal stuff is obvious, as is the legal stuff that is unnecessary and of no nutritional value (cigarettes, alcohol, and prescriptions when not needed), but what about trans-fats, excessive sodium, high fructose corn syrup, refined sugars, etc.? After all, shouldn’t “straight-edge” be reserved for the ultimate health/nutrition lifestyle, which not only includes all the stuff mentioned above, but also the pure vegan lifestyle? Or is it possible to be straight-edge, but not a vegan? Or a vegan, who isn’t straight-edge? A vegan who thinks it’s okay to smoke a joint once in awhile, since it’s from a natural herb, but not eat meat or dairy? And only for medicinal purposes. Riight.
LaFevre once questioned why tattoos were not included. Piercings were acceptable, since nothing went “into” the body, per se, only “through” the body. But tattoos, although topical in nature, and not necessarily going “into” the body, per se, but ink being injected into/under the skin, a few layers down, qualifies in LaFevre’s book, especially if complications develop that affect the body in a certain way, such as allergic reactions and infections.
But in the overall big picture of things, LaFevre wonders where nutrition and consumption falls into all of this. After all, if Pepsi is the end-all, be-all for the current straight-edge society, I applaud their enthusiasm when it comes to the medicine cabinet, but question their lack of consideration for the kitchen table. Pepsi is nothing more than: caramel coloring, high fructose corn syrup, caffeine and carbonated water. Not exactly natural ingredients here, folks.
The illegal stuff is obvious, as is the legal stuff that is unnecessary and of no nutritional value (cigarettes, alcohol, and prescriptions when not needed), but what about trans-fats, excessive sodium, high fructose corn syrup, refined sugars, etc.? After all, shouldn’t “straight-edge” be reserved for the ultimate health/nutrition lifestyle, which not only includes all the stuff mentioned above, but also the pure vegan lifestyle? Or is it possible to be straight-edge, but not a vegan? Or a vegan, who isn’t straight-edge? A vegan who thinks it’s okay to smoke a joint once in awhile, since it’s from a natural herb, but not eat meat or dairy? And only for medicinal purposes. Riight.
Monday, February 22, 2010
#198 - Dirty Laundry
Very appropriate. Money laundering. We’ve heard about it. We’ve seen it on film. Money, tossing and turning. But it’s more than that. Money in the laundry may be how the term originated, but it transcended to a newer meaning. The art of moving funds from one account to another, until it became legitimate, due to being untraceable.
But that’s beside the point. Why would anyone put money into a dryer? After all, as everyone knows, when paper goes through the wash, and then the dryer, all that’s left is a wad of mulch. You can’t pull it apart. You can’t decipher what it once was. But behold – money survives.
Lafever just did laundry. He also is extra careful to remove everything from the pockets. Well, for some reason, he missed a pocket. After going through the wash, AND the dryer, he felt something in one of the pant pockets. Lo & behold, folded money. A 5-spot, and 3 singles. In perfect condition. No fading. No sticking together. Crisp, US-issued, greenbacks that came out the same way as they entered. Booyah. Lunch money.
Moral of the story: the next time someone tells you something is not worth the paper it’s printed on, tell them it must not be CASH. Cuz CASH is, even when it’s run through the wash.
But that’s beside the point. Why would anyone put money into a dryer? After all, as everyone knows, when paper goes through the wash, and then the dryer, all that’s left is a wad of mulch. You can’t pull it apart. You can’t decipher what it once was. But behold – money survives.
Lafever just did laundry. He also is extra careful to remove everything from the pockets. Well, for some reason, he missed a pocket. After going through the wash, AND the dryer, he felt something in one of the pant pockets. Lo & behold, folded money. A 5-spot, and 3 singles. In perfect condition. No fading. No sticking together. Crisp, US-issued, greenbacks that came out the same way as they entered. Booyah. Lunch money.
Moral of the story: the next time someone tells you something is not worth the paper it’s printed on, tell them it must not be CASH. Cuz CASH is, even when it’s run through the wash.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
#197 – Happy (glup) Valentine’s Day (slurp)
When I see my girl this weekend, I'll be giving her red tulips, instead of roses. And when she looks at me all confused, I'll ask her this: "But sweetheart, what's better than roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ." Don't try this at home.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
#196 - Ode To My Saints
Who Dat say what we can't do
In our hearts, we always knew;
And just like Indy's stats,
The excuses won't last,
Cuz my Saints came marching through...
In our hearts, we always knew;
And just like Indy's stats,
The excuses won't last,
Cuz my Saints came marching through...
Friday, February 5, 2010
Tiger Claw says...
No, this time, he doesn't say anything.
He howls, and growls,
at the top of his lungs,
with a deafening roar,
turning heads,
stopping everyone and everything, in their tracks,
for all to hear, and fear,
for this year, 2010, is the Year Of The Tiger,
and this time, he will not be denied,
because this time, TIGER CLAW...
WILL...
GO...
ALL...
THE...
WAY!!!
He howls, and growls,
at the top of his lungs,
with a deafening roar,
turning heads,
stopping everyone and everything, in their tracks,
for all to hear, and fear,
for this year, 2010, is the Year Of The Tiger,
and this time, he will not be denied,
because this time, TIGER CLAW...
WILL...
GO...
ALL...
THE...
WAY!!!
#195 - Shitstorm
OK, these two are classified as an “unfevisms”, and relegated to mature-audiences-only, even if the subject matter is sophmorish. It can’t be “X-Rated”, since that’s reserved for porn, and too taboo/forbidden to be “R-Rated”; so it gets that least-used of all MPAA ratings, “NC-17”. Gross, toilet humor, literally; but LaFevre sees humor in everything, and spends a small amount of energy just keeping some things to himself, even though he knows it’s common knowledge. Everyone knows, but nobody talks about it.
#1 - Ever notice when you're sitting down for a #2, during the process, you feel your stomach shrink, and the bloating disappear? Everyone does, but nobody talks about it.
#2 – Don’t you hate it when you finish that #2, but because whatever it was that you ate, it resulted in at least 5 wipes, which seemed like enough at the time, or maybe not, but you couldn’t keep going, because it would result in two flushes, and if you had tried to do it all in one flush, you would run the risk of a backup; so you stopped, because it seemed like enough at the time; but lo and behold, two hours later, you need to go back for a couple more wipes, because, well, just because? Everyone does, but nobody talks about it.
#1 - Ever notice when you're sitting down for a #2, during the process, you feel your stomach shrink, and the bloating disappear? Everyone does, but nobody talks about it.
#2 – Don’t you hate it when you finish that #2, but because whatever it was that you ate, it resulted in at least 5 wipes, which seemed like enough at the time, or maybe not, but you couldn’t keep going, because it would result in two flushes, and if you had tried to do it all in one flush, you would run the risk of a backup; so you stopped, because it seemed like enough at the time; but lo and behold, two hours later, you need to go back for a couple more wipes, because, well, just because? Everyone does, but nobody talks about it.
Monday, January 18, 2010
#194 - Scare Tactics
Which part of the fevism scares you more: the message contained within, the context in which they’re written, or your interpretation of them? Oops, left out the messenger.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
#193 - Waiting Room
They say waiting is the hardest part. They weren’t kidding. We wait for everything. We wait in line, for everything. We wait for the end of the workday. We wait for this. We wait for that. Then why is it we go off on someone we had to wait for? Sure, 15 minutes or more is no excuse. But today, people get pissed if they have to wait more than 5 minutes.
I’ve got news for you. On one day, you’ll have to wait 5 minutes. The next time, someone has to wait for you. It all comes out in the wash. Unless you wait more often than someone has to wait for you. If that’s the case, leave.
Bottom line: think about it, when was the last time you showed up at the same time as the other person? I’m talking walking up to X-marks-the-spot, at the exact same time? But wait, there’s more…
I’ve got news for you. On one day, you’ll have to wait 5 minutes. The next time, someone has to wait for you. It all comes out in the wash. Unless you wait more often than someone has to wait for you. If that’s the case, leave.
Bottom line: think about it, when was the last time you showed up at the same time as the other person? I’m talking walking up to X-marks-the-spot, at the exact same time? But wait, there’s more…
Monday, January 4, 2010
#192 - Under The Berry Tree
LaFever recently discovered a new berry, found mostly in public places. Its tree is a great place to sit under, read a book, listen to pre-recorded educational materials, etc. It’s called, the liberry. Now, while you’re there, look up the word “library”, and do us all a favor: learn how to pronounce it correctly. Note to kids: every Saturday is Liberry Ice Cream Day.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
#191 - DominoMyGod
After two decades of seeing Domino’s Pizza commercials, if finally dawned on LaFevre. OK, so some things take a little longer to see. But after watching the latest commercial advertising their new pizza after decades of selling ketchup-covered cardboard, it became obvious why they sucked. At the same time, he finds it amazing they’ve stayed in business this long.
Furthermore, LaFevre finds it odd that he’s never heard anyone mention this. Check the logo. It’s a domino. Look at the numbers. 1 & 2. That, my friends, in the dice world, is CRAPS.
Furthermore, LaFevre finds it odd that he’s never heard anyone mention this. Check the logo. It’s a domino. Look at the numbers. 1 & 2. That, my friends, in the dice world, is CRAPS.
Friday, December 18, 2009
LaFever retorts...
CLASSIC KID QUIPS:
Name the 4 seasons...salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
What is a planet? A body of earth surrounded by sky.
What major disease is associated with cigarettes? Premature death.
What does "varicose" mean? Nearby.
What is a "caesarian section"? A district in Rome.
What does "benign" mean? It is what you'll be after you be eight.
Give an example of a fungus. What is its characteristic feature?
Mushrooms. They grow in damp places and is why they look like umbrellas.
How is dew formed? The sun shines on leaves, making them perspire.
Name the 4 seasons...salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
What is a planet? A body of earth surrounded by sky.
What major disease is associated with cigarettes? Premature death.
What does "varicose" mean? Nearby.
What is a "caesarian section"? A district in Rome.
What does "benign" mean? It is what you'll be after you be eight.
Give an example of a fungus. What is its characteristic feature?
Mushrooms. They grow in damp places and is why they look like umbrellas.
How is dew formed? The sun shines on leaves, making them perspire.
#190 - Sunglasses At Night
LaFevre likes lighter wear during the day, not just for the obvious reason of sunlight reflection, and darker wear at night, to not draw attention to himself. Unfortunately, it goes against the norm to dress dark at night, when out and about, based on the theory drivers can’t see you. Point taken.
LaFevre’s exception to the rule? No matter what LaFevre wears at night, if he walks out into the street, to cross a street, he will look at any vehicle coming up in the vicinity. Why? Because he’s white. The face, along with the moving hands, should be a dead giveaway.
But LaFevre is also prepared, because if the driver doesn’t see him, it isn’t because he was in dark clothing, it is because the driver wasn’t paying attention. And LaFevre is more than ready to do an aikido roll across your hood and up over your windshield, without sustaining any serious injury, and taking you to the bank, for a DWI (Driving While Idiot).
LaFevre’s exception to the rule? No matter what LaFevre wears at night, if he walks out into the street, to cross a street, he will look at any vehicle coming up in the vicinity. Why? Because he’s white. The face, along with the moving hands, should be a dead giveaway.
But LaFevre is also prepared, because if the driver doesn’t see him, it isn’t because he was in dark clothing, it is because the driver wasn’t paying attention. And LaFevre is more than ready to do an aikido roll across your hood and up over your windshield, without sustaining any serious injury, and taking you to the bank, for a DWI (Driving While Idiot).
#189 - I Know Nothing, I Know Nothing
I miss Sgt. Schultz. Hogan’s Heroes was one of my 3 all-time faves (along with #3 – Mash, and #1 – Wild Wild West). I’ve also read in Eastern Philosophy scriptures penned by grandmasters and old philosophers how they know nothing, when they actually know more than most. Humbling, no? Yes? I realized the same thing one night, as I do other times, when it takes an extra-long time to get to sleep. No epiphany. No revelation. Just a realization. But always based on a recent experience, as always.
“No matter how much I’ve done, or how long I’ve been doing it, what I know through what I’ve learned, is still nothing, compared to what I don’t know, and have yet to learn.”
“No matter how much I’ve done, or how long I’ve been doing it, what I know through what I’ve learned, is still nothing, compared to what I don’t know, and have yet to learn.”
#188 - Knowledge Is Power
The more time you dedicate to learning, assimilating, and realizing the truths of a particular subject, the more simple and less complicated it becomes, resulting in even lesser time determining what follows is true, and what is untrue.
#187 - Meat Market Collisions
Fevisms appear out of the blue, from left field, by way of inspiration, observation, or by total plagiaration (made up on the spot to keep in rhyme, another fevism?); but there are a select few that not only deserve credit for not just their inspiration, but their contribution, and receive credit in the process. Hey, LaFevre’s integrity is at steak (pun intended). What follows is a really cool analogy based on a conversation with a good friend, AA, aka A-Ron the esquire, who likened the unfortunate incident of an automobile accident, to a piece of meat. T-Bone.
T-Bone – Getting hit in the side, in a perpendicular fashion.
NY Strip – obviously, a side-swipe, as in, trading paint.
Flank/Rump Roast – uh, a rear-end job. Duh.
Rib-Eye/Porterhouse/Ground – the head-on collision
Note: Obviously, the head-on is the worst, where no one survives. Originally called Rib-Eye, since the eyes are up front, but then changed to Porterhouse, for the sheer size of the cut, or severity of damage, but then, Ground, as a metaphor for the end result. In this case, there is no cheeseburger in paradise.
Disclaimer: the use of the fevism number of 187 (police code for murder/death/kill) and the context of the subject matter, that being, the morbidity of vehicular collisions, is strictly coincidental.
T-Bone – Getting hit in the side, in a perpendicular fashion.
NY Strip – obviously, a side-swipe, as in, trading paint.
Flank/Rump Roast – uh, a rear-end job. Duh.
Rib-Eye/Porterhouse/Ground – the head-on collision
Note: Obviously, the head-on is the worst, where no one survives. Originally called Rib-Eye, since the eyes are up front, but then changed to Porterhouse, for the sheer size of the cut, or severity of damage, but then, Ground, as a metaphor for the end result. In this case, there is no cheeseburger in paradise.
Disclaimer: the use of the fevism number of 187 (police code for murder/death/kill) and the context of the subject matter, that being, the morbidity of vehicular collisions, is strictly coincidental.
#186 - High Expectations
There are needs, and then there are wants. Pretty cut’n’dry. The difference is the path. Do you expect, or simply request? When needs aren’t met, there is sorrow. When wants aren’t met, there is anger. But you have to ask yourself: are you expecting, or requesting? We’ve forgotten our place. You can request to have a need fulfilled, or a want fulfilled. But in the end, all you can do is request. Expecting, in and of itself, is selfish.
The solution: don’t expect. Request. If the need is not filled, call back later. If a want is not filled, deal and live with it. But everyone has an advantage, sorta. You may not get what you need, or what you want, but if you get anything, be happy with what you got. And if what you got was what you hoped for, not just what you wanted, because what you wanted and what you hoped for, were the difference between living or simply surviving, you’re ahead of the game. But even more important, after the fact: don’t just say thank you, but remember what was done for you. It’s not someone else’s job to remind you, it’s your job to remember.
The solution: don’t expect. Request. If the need is not filled, call back later. If a want is not filled, deal and live with it. But everyone has an advantage, sorta. You may not get what you need, or what you want, but if you get anything, be happy with what you got. And if what you got was what you hoped for, not just what you wanted, because what you wanted and what you hoped for, were the difference between living or simply surviving, you’re ahead of the game. But even more important, after the fact: don’t just say thank you, but remember what was done for you. It’s not someone else’s job to remind you, it’s your job to remember.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
#185 - The Wayback Machine
Is it LaFevre, or do the bicycles of yesteryear have it backwards?? Guy bikes had the straight bar, gal bikes, the curved-downward bars. Uh, must have been designed by a dude. Crossing the leg over the seat was the macho thing to do, while sliding the leg inside the bar, was the girly thing to do. Too bad it was the opposite of what was practical. Huh??
Any guy will tell you they wish that straight bar wasn’t there. Why? Every guy who has ever rode a bike, has slipped off the pedals, and crushed his nuts on that straight bar. Blunt, yes. But also, painful. Should’ve been designed the other way around. Maybe that’s why all bikes today utilize that straight bar. Women’s equality, you say? I don’t think so. What’s bad for the goose, is bad for the gander.
Any guy will tell you they wish that straight bar wasn’t there. Why? Every guy who has ever rode a bike, has slipped off the pedals, and crushed his nuts on that straight bar. Blunt, yes. But also, painful. Should’ve been designed the other way around. Maybe that’s why all bikes today utilize that straight bar. Women’s equality, you say? I don’t think so. What’s bad for the goose, is bad for the gander.
#184 - Phone Manners
Ever notice when people are speaking in conversations, or giving speeches or lectures, they often use hand mannerisms to accentuate certain points in the conversation? If so, then why do people do the same thing when talking on the phone?
#183 - Riddle Me This
Zen riddles for today: Since most sports are seasonal by nature, does that mean all fans are fair-weather fans? And isn’t it amazing, hilarious, and pretty hella funny that the word “tissue” sounds like a sneeze?
#182 - Dreamscape
Here’s a fevism on how to alter a dream, if you cannot change the dream altogether. Or worse, nightmare. LaFevre was having a nightmare, being chased by zombies. LaFevre loves vampires, but hates zombies. He woke up several times, and went back to sleep. If you do that too soon, you go right back into the same dream/nightmare.
So LaFevre thought, how do I turn a bad dream into a good dream. Cut a deal with the cutest zombie girl. “I’ll let you eat my brains if you jump on me and ride for the duration.” Needless to say, I fell asleep, and no dream. Obviously the deep sleep stage before you have to get up when the alarm goes off. Always happens. The best part: LaFevre woke up with a woody.
So LaFevre thought, how do I turn a bad dream into a good dream. Cut a deal with the cutest zombie girl. “I’ll let you eat my brains if you jump on me and ride for the duration.” Needless to say, I fell asleep, and no dream. Obviously the deep sleep stage before you have to get up when the alarm goes off. Always happens. The best part: LaFevre woke up with a woody.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
#181 - The Loser's Cup
“Take this cup, fill it up, and bring it back to me.” Drug tests. Oh, the hypocrisy of it all. Don’t get LaFevre wrong. It serves a purpose. In any job that involves the safety and security of the general public, or employees of all local, state and federal government agencies, it has its place.
Here’s the problem: You indulge on a Friday night, whether it’s a couple joints, a few lines, a hit of this, a gram of that, or whatever. In bed by 2am, or 4am, maybe 5am, ok 6am (LaFevre was adamant about retiring by 6:12am, his time of birth, felt waking up before the sun rises, was like missing a day), after 7-8, ok, 10 hours of sleep, you wakeup, clean, albeit with a headache, or a hangover. But you ain’t high no more. So you abstain until Monday morning. If you take a test, you’ll still come up positive. How unfair is that.
The problem is, how does an employer know if someone is drunk or high now, or from the night before? Currently, if an accident happens, and you’re tested, and come up positive, you’re busted. Even if you were clean and sober when the accident occurred.
Reality check: the agencies test for residue, not the active ingredients. The active ingredients wear off, leaving only a residue. This is the 21st century. It’s high time (pun intended) we devise a test that will determine active ingredients present, not residue.
Here’s the problem: You indulge on a Friday night, whether it’s a couple joints, a few lines, a hit of this, a gram of that, or whatever. In bed by 2am, or 4am, maybe 5am, ok 6am (LaFevre was adamant about retiring by 6:12am, his time of birth, felt waking up before the sun rises, was like missing a day), after 7-8, ok, 10 hours of sleep, you wakeup, clean, albeit with a headache, or a hangover. But you ain’t high no more. So you abstain until Monday morning. If you take a test, you’ll still come up positive. How unfair is that.
The problem is, how does an employer know if someone is drunk or high now, or from the night before? Currently, if an accident happens, and you’re tested, and come up positive, you’re busted. Even if you were clean and sober when the accident occurred.
Reality check: the agencies test for residue, not the active ingredients. The active ingredients wear off, leaving only a residue. This is the 21st century. It’s high time (pun intended) we devise a test that will determine active ingredients present, not residue.
LaFevre retorts...
BIOMECHANICS - Why yawning is contagious: we yawn to equalize the pressure on our eardrums. This pressure change outside our eardrums unbalances other peoples' eardrum pressures, so they yawn to equalize their pressure. And it crosses species lines. You'll yawn when your dog or cat does, and vice versa. Don't fight it.
#180 - Bloodline
Not just a new term, but a new term for a new drink. LaFevre’s own concoction. It’s called a “bloodboiler”. This is a 50/50 mixture of champagne and red wine. Red wine is dark enough as it is, so the addition of champagne gives it a more “blood red” appearance. The champagne also carbonates the drink, with bubbles floating to the top; hence, boiling blood.
LaFevre came up with this generic version, but has his own brand name for a specific mix. It’s called “Dragon’s Blood”. Obviously, out of love for the dragon. Champagne and Merlot. Why Merlot, and not Pinot Noir or Cabernet? Because Merlot is LaFevre for “Merlin”. And the dragon is the pet of the sorcerer. As if you had to ask…
LaFevre came up with this generic version, but has his own brand name for a specific mix. It’s called “Dragon’s Blood”. Obviously, out of love for the dragon. Champagne and Merlot. Why Merlot, and not Pinot Noir or Cabernet? Because Merlot is LaFevre for “Merlin”. And the dragon is the pet of the sorcerer. As if you had to ask…
#179 - What Colorful Roots
In the beginning, there was black, the absence of all color, like space. Then came white, the combination of all colors. Then came color. Broken down from light, which contains all the colors, on different frequencies. The rainbow is the prime example of this, as light interacts with our atmosphere, showing all the colors of the spectrum. This is why the sky is blue, since you’ve always wondered, but never asked. Blue is the lowest frequency, which is the only one our atmosphere allows through.
So we start with the primary colors: red, yellow and green. Next are the intermediate (secondary) colors, as represented by the combination of 2 of each of the primary colors, in a 1:1 ratio: orange (red/yellow), green (yellow/blue), and purple (red/blue). Other colors come in different ratios of the primary colors (pink, brown).
But almost all colors today are represented by one of three categories, floral (flowers), citrus (fruit) and vegetation. What’s LaFevre’s point: All of these new colors, these hybrid colors, are based on materials that grow out of the ground, or grow on that which grows out of the ground. And so it goes, LaFevre points out that the “roots” of all these new colors that originate from the ground, are red, yellow and blue, and their intermediate counterparts, orange, green and purple.
Next time you’re at the supermarket, go to the produce section. Be sure and where your “rose”-colored glasses.
So we start with the primary colors: red, yellow and green. Next are the intermediate (secondary) colors, as represented by the combination of 2 of each of the primary colors, in a 1:1 ratio: orange (red/yellow), green (yellow/blue), and purple (red/blue). Other colors come in different ratios of the primary colors (pink, brown).
But almost all colors today are represented by one of three categories, floral (flowers), citrus (fruit) and vegetation. What’s LaFevre’s point: All of these new colors, these hybrid colors, are based on materials that grow out of the ground, or grow on that which grows out of the ground. And so it goes, LaFevre points out that the “roots” of all these new colors that originate from the ground, are red, yellow and blue, and their intermediate counterparts, orange, green and purple.
Next time you’re at the supermarket, go to the produce section. Be sure and where your “rose”-colored glasses.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
#178 - Wishful Thinking
More of same ole quick wits LaFevre wishes he came up with. LaFevre can attest to the fact that everything nowadays is pretty much rehashed, copied, plagiarized, etc. He does it, too, but alters it to improve upon, but credits the source, and only takes credit for the alteration. Thank you.
Props here go to the original Hollywood Squares regulars, from back in the day, when the same people occupied the same squares, rather than today, where celebrities change on a weekly basis. None of them, nada, zilch, can hold a candle to the square-holders of yesteryear – Paul Lynde, Charlie Weaver, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Wally Cox, Joanne Worley, Arte Johnson, Charo, and later, George Gobel, Joan Rivers, Phyllis Diller, Don Rickles, Buddy Hackett, and my favorite, impressionist, Rich Little. Cue Peter Marshall, on the wayback machine:
Which of your 5 senses tends to diminish as you get older?
My sense of decency.
Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
Only after lights out.
It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
What are the two things you should never do in bed?
Point and laugh.
What are “dual-purpose” cattle good for, that other cattle aren’t?
They give milk AND cookies, but I don’t recommend the cookies.
And the classic Paul Lynde’s immediate response, without any hesitation, to the question, “What should you do if your pajamas catch on fire?”
“Slow down.”
Props here go to the original Hollywood Squares regulars, from back in the day, when the same people occupied the same squares, rather than today, where celebrities change on a weekly basis. None of them, nada, zilch, can hold a candle to the square-holders of yesteryear – Paul Lynde, Charlie Weaver, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Wally Cox, Joanne Worley, Arte Johnson, Charo, and later, George Gobel, Joan Rivers, Phyllis Diller, Don Rickles, Buddy Hackett, and my favorite, impressionist, Rich Little. Cue Peter Marshall, on the wayback machine:
Which of your 5 senses tends to diminish as you get older?
My sense of decency.
Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
Only after lights out.
It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
What are the two things you should never do in bed?
Point and laugh.
What are “dual-purpose” cattle good for, that other cattle aren’t?
They give milk AND cookies, but I don’t recommend the cookies.
And the classic Paul Lynde’s immediate response, without any hesitation, to the question, “What should you do if your pajamas catch on fire?”
“Slow down.”
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
#177 - The Lucky Seven
The dreaded “seven deadly sins”. At least according to Catholics. LaFevre is now wondering if there is a similar group in Judaism and Islamic circles. No matter. LaFevre would like to share his personal interpretation of the seven deadly sins, as they relate to his world.
LUST – Glad you had fun. Are you ready for round 2?
GLUTTONY – Please sir, may I have some more?
SLOTH – What’s your hurry? Relax. You’ll live longer.
PRIDE – Often imitated; never duplicated.
GREED – No. There’s not enough to go around. Go find your own.
ENVY – Dream on, Bullwinkle.
WRATH – It’ll be the last thing you ever do!
LUST – Glad you had fun. Are you ready for round 2?
GLUTTONY – Please sir, may I have some more?
SLOTH – What’s your hurry? Relax. You’ll live longer.
PRIDE – Often imitated; never duplicated.
GREED – No. There’s not enough to go around. Go find your own.
ENVY – Dream on, Bullwinkle.
WRATH – It’ll be the last thing you ever do!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
That's So Juvenie, 1991 - an excerpt from My Chequered Life, the LaFevre Autobiography
The beginning of the end for the Crazy 80’s happened towards the end of 1990. All came crashing down. And I had the best intentions. The order of the universe couldn’t care less. Radio was over. Work was during evenings and weekends. The icing would come in the form of two kids from the neighborhood. They lived two blocks up the street from the SFJCC. I lived five blocks in another direction. The girl was 16, the boy, 12. The girl was a fan of ‘metal’, as I was. We talked on occasion, in the neighborhood.
Then one day on my way to the college station, KUSF, where I was donating my time for radio production services, I ran into them on the bus. They asked to tag along and did. At the station, they had pizza and beer. I gave them a slice and sips from my beer. After the meeting was over, they asked if they could come home with me. They told me they had run away from home. I told them if I let them stay over, it would be ‘harboring a fugitive’. But there was a higher purpose, as defined by my next comment. I told them they could stay over, to keep them off the street, but they would have to leave in the morning, since I had to go to work. Agreed.
A week later, I got a call from the juvenile authorities. I went down to the precinct to answer questions. I answered truthfully, throwing in the reasons why, which I always thought, helped, as a matter of circumstance. I was told if a warrant were issued for further investigation, I would be called. Sure enough, I got the message on my machine. As it turned out, they were under foster care, and not real brother and sister. Furthermore, it was the foster parents who were pressing charges. To keep from getting punished, most likely, they dropped the dime on me. After everything I had done for them. The charge: contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Huh? They only had a couple sips (of beer). And I kept them off the street. And safe.
Didn’t matter. I was being evicted anyway. Wasn’t a warrant I could be arrested for in any other county, due to expense of paperwork and transportation. I certainly was reminded of the warrant on three separate occasions in different parts of the Bay Area. Finally, I got pulled over in SF. I knew the routine. Handcuffed and transported to the local precinct (Northern Station). Next stop, Hall of Justice. Released on OR (own recognizance).
I was ordered to appear in court to answer the charges. Six times. See, each time, the Assistant District Attorney didn’t have paperwork (or so he said) and was not up to speed on the details. One of the excuses was that they couldn’t find the minors to get their side of the story. I immediately approached the Public Defender. “Hey, this is bullshit. They’re foster kids. Wards of the State. That means they’re in the database. Look it up. Find them. Or drop the case for lack of evidence.” He could tell I was frustrated, and for good reason. After a discussion with the ADA, they offered a no-contest plea, and 25 hours of community service. I just wanted it to end, so I agreed. Turns out, there was a $180.00 administrative fee attached to the service. Fucking shit. Never paid it, though. Didn’t even finish the 25 hours. Of course, that meant it would go back to warrant. I was issued a court date. I remember it vividly. It was set for a Sunday. Didn’t make sense. Got up anyway. 8am. Sunday. Nothing scheduled, of course. Blew it off.
For the sake of continuity, we’ll finish the details here, even though they occur five years later. Pulled over and arrested for this outstanding warrant. Another overnight stay. Cool part was, as a bunch of detainees were led from the main cell to a processing area, names were called, and accompanied by a deputy to their respective courts. My name came up, alone. Escorted by two deputies. The looks in my direction were like, “Whoa, what the fuck did he do?”, and an immediate air of respect from everyone. The deputies were cool. Turns out, one of them went to my high school.
In the waiting room, the public defender comes in. I tell him the whole story from the beginning. He’s amazed at the attention-to-detail of my recall as if it happened the day before yesterday. He responds, “Funny you should mention the Sunday, and the date, because according to my records, you were scheduled for Monday.” I told him if he wanted to see the paperwork, I could produce it. They dropped the case with the remainder of the community hours dismissed for time served. What a fucking nightmare.
This is why no one helps anyone anymore, and chooses not to get involved. And that sucks. I'd do it all over again, but obviously, a little bit differently.
Then one day on my way to the college station, KUSF, where I was donating my time for radio production services, I ran into them on the bus. They asked to tag along and did. At the station, they had pizza and beer. I gave them a slice and sips from my beer. After the meeting was over, they asked if they could come home with me. They told me they had run away from home. I told them if I let them stay over, it would be ‘harboring a fugitive’. But there was a higher purpose, as defined by my next comment. I told them they could stay over, to keep them off the street, but they would have to leave in the morning, since I had to go to work. Agreed.
A week later, I got a call from the juvenile authorities. I went down to the precinct to answer questions. I answered truthfully, throwing in the reasons why, which I always thought, helped, as a matter of circumstance. I was told if a warrant were issued for further investigation, I would be called. Sure enough, I got the message on my machine. As it turned out, they were under foster care, and not real brother and sister. Furthermore, it was the foster parents who were pressing charges. To keep from getting punished, most likely, they dropped the dime on me. After everything I had done for them. The charge: contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Huh? They only had a couple sips (of beer). And I kept them off the street. And safe.
Didn’t matter. I was being evicted anyway. Wasn’t a warrant I could be arrested for in any other county, due to expense of paperwork and transportation. I certainly was reminded of the warrant on three separate occasions in different parts of the Bay Area. Finally, I got pulled over in SF. I knew the routine. Handcuffed and transported to the local precinct (Northern Station). Next stop, Hall of Justice. Released on OR (own recognizance).
I was ordered to appear in court to answer the charges. Six times. See, each time, the Assistant District Attorney didn’t have paperwork (or so he said) and was not up to speed on the details. One of the excuses was that they couldn’t find the minors to get their side of the story. I immediately approached the Public Defender. “Hey, this is bullshit. They’re foster kids. Wards of the State. That means they’re in the database. Look it up. Find them. Or drop the case for lack of evidence.” He could tell I was frustrated, and for good reason. After a discussion with the ADA, they offered a no-contest plea, and 25 hours of community service. I just wanted it to end, so I agreed. Turns out, there was a $180.00 administrative fee attached to the service. Fucking shit. Never paid it, though. Didn’t even finish the 25 hours. Of course, that meant it would go back to warrant. I was issued a court date. I remember it vividly. It was set for a Sunday. Didn’t make sense. Got up anyway. 8am. Sunday. Nothing scheduled, of course. Blew it off.
For the sake of continuity, we’ll finish the details here, even though they occur five years later. Pulled over and arrested for this outstanding warrant. Another overnight stay. Cool part was, as a bunch of detainees were led from the main cell to a processing area, names were called, and accompanied by a deputy to their respective courts. My name came up, alone. Escorted by two deputies. The looks in my direction were like, “Whoa, what the fuck did he do?”, and an immediate air of respect from everyone. The deputies were cool. Turns out, one of them went to my high school.
In the waiting room, the public defender comes in. I tell him the whole story from the beginning. He’s amazed at the attention-to-detail of my recall as if it happened the day before yesterday. He responds, “Funny you should mention the Sunday, and the date, because according to my records, you were scheduled for Monday.” I told him if he wanted to see the paperwork, I could produce it. They dropped the case with the remainder of the community hours dismissed for time served. What a fucking nightmare.
This is why no one helps anyone anymore, and chooses not to get involved. And that sucks. I'd do it all over again, but obviously, a little bit differently.
#175 - Who Is Tiger Claw?
Tiger Claw…
…is an ancient Chinese secret…is what the cat dragged in…is hotter than the hammers of hell…won’t make it to heaven anytime soon…likes it medium-rare…is really a dragon, trapped in a tiger body…does twice the work, in half the time, when he feels like it…knows what you’re going to do, before you even think of it…is Cajun for grandmaster…is cage-free, loves the earth, but is not of this earth…fears not what he does, but what he is capable of doing…knows without knowing, acts without thinking, and speaks without reserve…and is all of the above, yet nothing what you thought, all at the same time, but in no particular order.
…is an ancient Chinese secret…is what the cat dragged in…is hotter than the hammers of hell…won’t make it to heaven anytime soon…likes it medium-rare…is really a dragon, trapped in a tiger body…does twice the work, in half the time, when he feels like it…knows what you’re going to do, before you even think of it…is Cajun for grandmaster…is cage-free, loves the earth, but is not of this earth…fears not what he does, but what he is capable of doing…knows without knowing, acts without thinking, and speaks without reserve…and is all of the above, yet nothing what you thought, all at the same time, but in no particular order.
Friday, August 28, 2009
#174 - The Business Of Business
As I was showing someone a piece of personal business, another asked in jest, “Is that work-related?” “Of course it is. This was done on a copier here at work. Everything I do here at work, I consider work-related.” After a snicker, they were speechless, of course. LaFevre figured it was worthless on their part to go any further. Resistance is futile.
#172 - Blue In The Face
When people dive, they usually use breathing apparatus. There’s snorkeling, and then deep-sea diving with tanks. LaFevre has a term for when you’re just holding your breath, most common in backyard swimming pools, but called “free-diving” in other waters. Add this to the Dictionary: “smurfing”.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
#171 - Mocha Java, Mon
We all know the "classical" mocha is steamed milk, espresso and cocoa. The cheaper version made in the office kitchen, coffee and hot chocolate, is called a "ghetto" mocha. But LaFevre has his own version. The "iron" mocha. That would be coffee, and chocolate-flavored protein powder. When you lift that cup, feel the pump, and enjoy the protein shakes.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
LaFevre Retorts...
Airplane Witticisms:
Flying isn't dangerous; crashing is what's dangerous.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
When in doubt, hold on to your altitude.
No one ever collided with the sky.
It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there,
There are OLD pilots, and there are BOLD pilots.
There are, however, no OLD, BOLD pilots.
Flying isn't dangerous; crashing is what's dangerous.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
When in doubt, hold on to your altitude.
No one ever collided with the sky.
It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there,
than it is to be up there wishing you were down there.
There are OLD pilots, and there are BOLD pilots.
There are, however, no OLD, BOLD pilots.
#170 - Prison Yard Blues
We’ve all heard of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Well, after watching a prison special on The Discovery Channel, LaFevre came up with a new title, based on an old one.
“Lifestyles of the Bitch and Infamous”
“Lifestyles of the Bitch and Infamous”
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
#169 - It's In The Bag
Ever notice when people drink an alcoholic beverage in public, it’s in a paper bag? 100% of the time. Why? To hide the fact it’s an alcoholic beverage, because it’s illegal to drink in public. But by the very fact it’s in a paper bag means it’s an alcoholic beverage. So basically, it’s not fooling anyone. So why does this practice exist?
Nothing zen about this. The purpose of the paper bag isn’t to conceal the beverage while it is being consumed. In reality, the consumption usually takes place when no one is looking, since consumption is also illegal in public, not just possession. The purpose of the bag is to act as a storage unit, to hold at one’s side, hiding the fact it’s an alcoholic beverage.
Yeahhh. As if you’re really fooling anyone.
Nothing zen about this. The purpose of the paper bag isn’t to conceal the beverage while it is being consumed. In reality, the consumption usually takes place when no one is looking, since consumption is also illegal in public, not just possession. The purpose of the bag is to act as a storage unit, to hold at one’s side, hiding the fact it’s an alcoholic beverage.
Yeahhh. As if you’re really fooling anyone.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
#168 - Flying The Friendly Skies
We’ve all heard about the “mile high club”. You could almost say, it’s on a lot of people’s “to-do” list. LaFevre wonders why no one ever mentions the sub-category of this club. As in, “by yourself”. Awwright, stop smirking. LaFevre has a name for it, as if it comes as no surprise. It’s called – “flying solo”. Now you can smirk.
Friday, July 17, 2009
#167 - Garcon, More Coffee
New word added to the LaFevre Dictionary. “Caffiend”. Yeah, I know the spelling is off. Intentional. “Caffeine” is “ei”, but “fiend” is “ie”, which is exactly why the word is spelled with “ie”. To highlight the second syllable, “fiend”. Duh. I shouldn’t have to be ‘splainin’ this. The word itself is self-explanatory. Allllllrighty then. Thank you very much. See ya. Wouldn’t wanna be ya. Bye-bye now. Hey!!! How ‘bout a refill here…
Monday, July 13, 2009
#166 - Info Anonymous
Here’s another LaFevre rant, for the people, but, at the same time, against the people, and sure to piss off a few. It’s what LaFevre does. It’s called a “shoot”. Nothing personal. But you have to admit, he has a point, whether you agree or not. And don’t bother arguing. It’s just one of those things that’s a waste of time to do so.
“Not authorized to speak, but done so, on condition of anonymity.” Excuse me? WTF! Unfortunately, this happens all too often for this simple reason: we, as the public, have a funny way of thinking we're entitled to know, when we're not. And the media exploits this.
So we have people not authorized to tell us what we want to know, telling people who don't have the right to know, but think they do, because somehow they believe it's their job, and responsibility (the media), passing on information they were not entitled to in this first place, to us, the general public, who think they have a right to know, when they don't, because it's none of their goddamn business.
“Not authorized to speak, but done so, on condition of anonymity.” Excuse me? WTF! Unfortunately, this happens all too often for this simple reason: we, as the public, have a funny way of thinking we're entitled to know, when we're not. And the media exploits this.
So we have people not authorized to tell us what we want to know, telling people who don't have the right to know, but think they do, because somehow they believe it's their job, and responsibility (the media), passing on information they were not entitled to in this first place, to us, the general public, who think they have a right to know, when they don't, because it's none of their goddamn business.
Tiger Claw says:
The art of air guitar begins with the science. If you don't know the moves, and fail to move the fingers, on both hands, it won't matter how many jumps and somersaults you do. You'll still suck.
#165 - Hunger Strike
Starving artists are the future. Their work is on the cutting edge, embraced by a few, and ignored by the masses. But for all intent and purposes, LaFevre believes you don’t have to starve. The starving part is a result of pride and integrity.
If the difference in putting bread on the table is between stealing a Boudin’s empty soup bread-bowl off an outside table before the busboy gets to it, and choosing something from the fridge cuz you could afford to stock it, thanks to the day job, I’ll take the slice of bread, with mayo, and shredded cheese, folded in half, anyday. Then you can go steal that bread-bowl. Anything done on an empty stomach is just asking for trouble.
If the difference in putting bread on the table is between stealing a Boudin’s empty soup bread-bowl off an outside table before the busboy gets to it, and choosing something from the fridge cuz you could afford to stock it, thanks to the day job, I’ll take the slice of bread, with mayo, and shredded cheese, folded in half, anyday. Then you can go steal that bread-bowl. Anything done on an empty stomach is just asking for trouble.
#164 - Diner's Club
Consumption. Sounds like the item being consumed, is alcohol. Okay, how about feeding. Uhh, sounds more like what animals do, and vampires. I know. Eating. We all do it. A simple action, really. But some highbrow created a term from the word “dinner”. That would be “dining”, or the root of the word, “to dine”, or “eat” (at dinnertime, obviously).
Technically, if you choose to over-analyze, we “eat” breakfast in the morning, and “eat” lunch midday, but “dine” in the evening. So it’s safe to say, “dine” is the root of “dinner”, and reserved for evening-use-only, since “dinner” is the more-social of the three meals. You could even go so far as to say, “dine” is a term created by the restaurant industry, meaning to “go out” for dinner.
LaFevre agrees. To a certain degree. Me thinks we “eat” at home, but “dine” out. Course, it could also be similar to another comparison: the one about men “sweating”, but women “perspire”. The rich dine, in and out, because they can afford it; but the rest of us “reglar folk” eat in, or eat out. After all, L:aFevre has yet to hear anyone say: “Shall we dine at McDonald’s this evening?”
For health reasons, it is often said that the evening meal, being larger than the other two, is the reason for obesity today. Lafevre shares this little quote on the healthy way to eat, as it pertains to “time of day”, with breakfast being the largest meal, to kickstart the day’s metabolism: eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper. (Food for thought – only one meal allows for dessert. Yup, dinner.)
Technically, if you choose to over-analyze, we “eat” breakfast in the morning, and “eat” lunch midday, but “dine” in the evening. So it’s safe to say, “dine” is the root of “dinner”, and reserved for evening-use-only, since “dinner” is the more-social of the three meals. You could even go so far as to say, “dine” is a term created by the restaurant industry, meaning to “go out” for dinner.
LaFevre agrees. To a certain degree. Me thinks we “eat” at home, but “dine” out. Course, it could also be similar to another comparison: the one about men “sweating”, but women “perspire”. The rich dine, in and out, because they can afford it; but the rest of us “reglar folk” eat in, or eat out. After all, L:aFevre has yet to hear anyone say: “Shall we dine at McDonald’s this evening?”
For health reasons, it is often said that the evening meal, being larger than the other two, is the reason for obesity today. Lafevre shares this little quote on the healthy way to eat, as it pertains to “time of day”, with breakfast being the largest meal, to kickstart the day’s metabolism: eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper. (Food for thought – only one meal allows for dessert. Yup, dinner.)
Thursday, July 2, 2009
#163 - Oops, There It Is
“Oops?” Excuse me? WTF?! Here’s a short-and-sweet standard to go by, when using this euphemism. Be warned, though, while it isn’t a double-standard, per se, it IS a double-edged sword, which is dependent on its use in context. Use it sparingly, and away from LaFevre, for fear that his patience may run out. Or worse, his tolerance. Buckle up.
One time or another, we’ve all heard it; we’ve all said it. It’s not so much specifically why and under what circumstances it is said, but more about which side is saying it.
When something happens, and “oops” is dropped, there are two things that determine its outcome. If you screw up, and someone else says “oops”, you’re off the hook, since the other person considers it no big deal. But if you screw up, and YOU say “oops”, it means YOU think it’s no big deal, but everyone else does, whether it is in reality, or not.
One time or another, we’ve all heard it; we’ve all said it. It’s not so much specifically why and under what circumstances it is said, but more about which side is saying it.
When something happens, and “oops” is dropped, there are two things that determine its outcome. If you screw up, and someone else says “oops”, you’re off the hook, since the other person considers it no big deal. But if you screw up, and YOU say “oops”, it means YOU think it’s no big deal, but everyone else does, whether it is in reality, or not.
#162 - Time's Up
LaFevre only has a certain amount of patience and tolerance. They act synergistically, yet operate independently. When the patience drops to 50%, depending on the circumstances, the tolerance starts to decrease. Eventually, the patience runs out, at which time, there’s very little tolerance left. By that time, a decision has already been made as to what course of action will be taken, the minute the tolerance runs out.
While it may sound scientific on the surface, and it is, as far as the basic principles for establishing a foundation to assess all possible scenarios are concerned, the actions/reactions developing, are in a constant flux of change, as the circumstances change. The decrease in percentages for the patience and tolerance available, differs with each and every situation.
The only constant that can be considered definite in this whole process: when the patience runs out, and the tolerance is close to running out, you’re only hope of avoiding the wrath of what happens next, is if LaFever decides to walk away before your time runs out.
While it may sound scientific on the surface, and it is, as far as the basic principles for establishing a foundation to assess all possible scenarios are concerned, the actions/reactions developing, are in a constant flux of change, as the circumstances change. The decrease in percentages for the patience and tolerance available, differs with each and every situation.
The only constant that can be considered definite in this whole process: when the patience runs out, and the tolerance is close to running out, you’re only hope of avoiding the wrath of what happens next, is if LaFever decides to walk away before your time runs out.
Friday, June 19, 2009
#161 - LaFevre's Believe It Or Not
LaFevre has it on good authority, these items of interest are factual, and true. Believe it? Or not. Did you know…
More money is printed for the Monopoly game, than the U.S. Treasury?
The only food that doesn’t spoil…is honey?
Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots?
“60 Minutes” is the only TV show with no theme music?
And 40% of all people at a party, snoop in the medicine cabinet?
LaFevre kids you not…
More money is printed for the Monopoly game, than the U.S. Treasury?
The only food that doesn’t spoil…is honey?
Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots?
“60 Minutes” is the only TV show with no theme music?
And 40% of all people at a party, snoop in the medicine cabinet?
LaFevre kids you not…
LaFevre retorts...
It takes a big man to cry; but it takes an even bigger man, to laugh at that man.
#160 - Snowball's Chance Of Hell
Things left unchecked, almost always balloon. It’s why molehills become mountains. A beaver’s little dam of twigs and branches, will drastically change the whole direction of creeks and streams, even rivers. So listen to LaFevre when he says: “If it’s rolling downhill, it WILL snowball.” If you get buried alive, no one can hear you scream. So the best place to be, is not in the vicinity. Words to survive by.
#159 - Chewing Gums
The upside to missing teeth is I don't have to worry about biting off more than I can chew. Of course, I still do anyway. Why? My eyes are bigger than my stomach. On the flip side, my body can still cash those checks my ego writes. After all, we all have egos. And they serve a purpose. Like being a confidence-builder, for one. The ego most people despise, is not really the ego at all, but the super ego. now let go of my ego.
#158 - Knowing Is Believing
We all know about the “have’s” and “have-not’s”. Now we have the “knows”, as opposed to the nose, in which size is not a factor, in knowing. Maybe in the sense of smell, but that’s it. Why is “know” a positive, but sounds the same as “no”, which is a negative? Here’s why. There are 3 types of people who know: two are negative and one is positive. That’s why. On to the 3.
The first are the unknowing. They don’t know what they want. They need to be asked questions to determine what they want.
The second are the know-it-all’s. This is the misnomer of the three. The know-it-all’s know what they want, sorta, but they don’t “know-it-all” because they don’t know how to attain, make or fix it, to how they want it.
The third are the “all-knowing”. Knowing exactly what you want, how to attain it, fix it, make it; exactly how you want it. No questions asked. Surely, you can’t be serious. I am, and stop calling me Shirley.
The first are the unknowing. They don’t know what they want. They need to be asked questions to determine what they want.
The second are the know-it-all’s. This is the misnomer of the three. The know-it-all’s know what they want, sorta, but they don’t “know-it-all” because they don’t know how to attain, make or fix it, to how they want it.
The third are the “all-knowing”. Knowing exactly what you want, how to attain it, fix it, make it; exactly how you want it. No questions asked. Surely, you can’t be serious. I am, and stop calling me Shirley.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
#157 - Hangover Fist
There are two types of hangovers. The first one, everyone knows all too well. The result of binge-drinking. The second is the result of binge-eating. Huh? Yup. “Hey, where’s your belt.” It’s hiding under the hangover.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
#156 - Choy Lay Foot
Another alternative definition for the LaFevre Dictionary of Contemporary Terms. Wow. Two back-to-back. Well, this one’s on the other foot. The term? Tofu. The new definition? It’s when you’re a grandmaster, and you’re so good, you don’t even need the whole foot. Just the toe.
Tiger Claw says...
Tiger Claw is often asked if he's nervous during air guitar competition. Uh, hardly. When Tiger claw is on, it's everyone else who's nervous. Quaking in their boots. Fingers going numb. Legs wobbling. Insecurity. Paranoia. Don't even think about it.
Friday, June 12, 2009
#155 - The Logic Commission
No more. It’s clear your brain cells were dormant during the thought process. From now on, when something is so clear and obvious, yet you still fail to grasp what is in front of you, despite the numerous hints given, LaFevre has no choice but to assess a logic fee; aka, the “common sense commission”. LaFevre thinks for himself, but, on occasion, has to think for others. So, a fee for doing so is only fair. Besides, if you’re that clueless, you’ll pay up without even thinking about it, since thinking is not part of your thought process anyway. Ouch.
#154 - Birthday Suit
Here are LaFevre’s top five facts you should know about “your birthday”:
Honorable Mention - It’s not really your birthday. It’s the anniversary of your birthday. Do you wish couples a “Happy Anniversary” on their anniversary? No. It’s celebrated only between them. And your birthday is no different.
5 – When you wake up in the morning on your birthday, ¼ of it has already passed. If you’re out celebrating until the wee hours of the morning, somewhere in the middle, it’s no longer your birthday. My favorite past-time is waiting until after midnight, and then telling the birthday person, these drinks are on you now. Huh?! Yup. It’s 1am. Your birthday is now yesterday. Sorry bout that. Our wallets are not bottomless pits, you know.
4 - Your birthday is not common knowledge to the rest of the world, so don’t get upset if no one sucks up to you or cuts you slack when you slack off, since they don’t know it’s your birthday. And only family and close friends are expected to remember it. Everyone else have better things to do than remember your birthday.
3 – On one’s birthday, everyone feels special. No exceptions. This is a result of the ultimate brainwash by your parents, who started it on the first anniversary of your birthday, and every year after that. In reality, your birthday is only special to you. The “Happy Birthdays” and gifts lavished on you are really only lip service because, in the end, nobody really cares about YOUR birthday, only theirs. But if they want people to care about theirs, they need to care about yours.
2 – Birthdays always elicit a feeling of exemption from everything at hand, and exceptions to the rule. But you can’t enjoy that exemption or exception unless people know it’s your birthday. On the flip side, by telling everyone it’s your birthday, you’re also telling them you expect special treatment, and exemption from everything at hand, . The ultimate catch-22.
1 – It’s my birthday today, and I’m gonna do whatever the hell I want, cuz I deserve it, I earned it, I’m entitled to it. At least, that’s what Mom & Dad told me.
Honorable Mention - It’s not really your birthday. It’s the anniversary of your birthday. Do you wish couples a “Happy Anniversary” on their anniversary? No. It’s celebrated only between them. And your birthday is no different.
5 – When you wake up in the morning on your birthday, ¼ of it has already passed. If you’re out celebrating until the wee hours of the morning, somewhere in the middle, it’s no longer your birthday. My favorite past-time is waiting until after midnight, and then telling the birthday person, these drinks are on you now. Huh?! Yup. It’s 1am. Your birthday is now yesterday. Sorry bout that. Our wallets are not bottomless pits, you know.
4 - Your birthday is not common knowledge to the rest of the world, so don’t get upset if no one sucks up to you or cuts you slack when you slack off, since they don’t know it’s your birthday. And only family and close friends are expected to remember it. Everyone else have better things to do than remember your birthday.
3 – On one’s birthday, everyone feels special. No exceptions. This is a result of the ultimate brainwash by your parents, who started it on the first anniversary of your birthday, and every year after that. In reality, your birthday is only special to you. The “Happy Birthdays” and gifts lavished on you are really only lip service because, in the end, nobody really cares about YOUR birthday, only theirs. But if they want people to care about theirs, they need to care about yours.
2 – Birthdays always elicit a feeling of exemption from everything at hand, and exceptions to the rule. But you can’t enjoy that exemption or exception unless people know it’s your birthday. On the flip side, by telling everyone it’s your birthday, you’re also telling them you expect special treatment, and exemption from everything at hand, . The ultimate catch-22.
1 – It’s my birthday today, and I’m gonna do whatever the hell I want, cuz I deserve it, I earned it, I’m entitled to it. At least, that’s what Mom & Dad told me.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
#153 - Adverbiage
Profanity. Not for the faint of heart. Used, abused, and overused. Lafevre loves to use it. But only in the context of accentuating the object of its usage. It is the adverb of the forbidden. When ‘darn’ is not enough, we use ‘damn’. When ‘oh, crap’ is not enough, we use ‘oh, shit’. And when ‘screw you’ is not enough, we all know what to use instead. No longer is it taboo in the presence of a woman, except that you have to wait until she does before you can. Here are two classics from LaFevre’s yesteryear.
“Chuck you Farley and your whole famn damily.
You think you’re so smuckin’ fart,
why don’t you go back off in your OWN jackyard
and see how YOUR feter peels!”
“You cock-suckin’, mother-fuckin’, two-ball bitch;
When I look at you, my two balls itch!”
“Chuck you Farley and your whole famn damily.
You think you’re so smuckin’ fart,
why don’t you go back off in your OWN jackyard
and see how YOUR feter peels!”
“You cock-suckin’, mother-fuckin’, two-ball bitch;
When I look at you, my two balls itch!”
Saturday, May 30, 2009
#152 - Quote, Unquote
Prop time. Quotes LaFevre wishes he came up with. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with going back to the well for inspiration. These are right up LaFevre’s alley.
It’s always darkest just before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s paper, that’s the time to do it.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Anything worth fighting for, is worth fighting dirty for.
Change is inevitable; except from a vending machine.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times, I let her sleep in.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
It’s always darkest just before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s paper, that’s the time to do it.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Anything worth fighting for, is worth fighting dirty for.
Change is inevitable; except from a vending machine.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times, I let her sleep in.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Friday, May 29, 2009
#151 - Hail To The Chief
Ever share a wild theory, only to be shot down with “improbable”, ‘highly-unlikely”, “impossible”, or the ever-present “now you’re just being paranoid”? Happens to me on occasion. Alas, all is not lost. Here’s one way to save face, and make everyone else feel awkward for not considering it. It’s really quite simple:
Respond with this little quip: “Well, maybe so. But there are 6½ TRILLION people on this planet. Do you honestly believe I’m the only one who thinks that?”
Of course, if your theory should become reality, you just became a god. But to stay a god, forget about it, and let others bring it up. Cuz if YOU do, you can kiss your crown goodbye. Hail to the chief, baby.
Respond with this little quip: “Well, maybe so. But there are 6½ TRILLION people on this planet. Do you honestly believe I’m the only one who thinks that?”
Of course, if your theory should become reality, you just became a god. But to stay a god, forget about it, and let others bring it up. Cuz if YOU do, you can kiss your crown goodbye. Hail to the chief, baby.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Hear No Evil, 1984 - an excerpt from "My Chequered Life", LaFevre's autobiography
Before there was metal, there was Motorhead. If Black Sabbath were the godfathers of heavy metal, Motorhead were the hitmen. Louder and faster than anyone on the scene at that time, Motorhead was the shit.
They were in town at the Warfield. A mid-sized venue with a capacity for 1600. Old-fashioned theater with theater seating right up to the stage. This would be the last time The Warfield would look like this. The bill: Motorhead, Mercyful Fate, Exciter. Third row on the aisle, on the left side. Right in front of the speaker stacks. Exciter was good. Mercyful Fate was off the charts. So much that a mosh pit developed down in front. But wait. It’s all seating down there. Not anymore. By the time Fate was done, the first three rows of seating were flattened. Motorhead was delayed due to Warfield staff having to not only remove the seating, but also unbolt the hardware from the floor. Ouch.
Motorhead would have been better if they hadn’t had technical difficulties resulting from the volume being TOO FUCKING LOUD. I was on the left side, and this would turn out to be the beginning of the end for the hearing in my left ear. I’m down to about 20%. Still at 100% on the right. Plus, I developed a new skill at reading lips, to a cetain degree. Yup, Motorhead did me in. Obvo
They were in town at the Warfield. A mid-sized venue with a capacity for 1600. Old-fashioned theater with theater seating right up to the stage. This would be the last time The Warfield would look like this. The bill: Motorhead, Mercyful Fate, Exciter. Third row on the aisle, on the left side. Right in front of the speaker stacks. Exciter was good. Mercyful Fate was off the charts. So much that a mosh pit developed down in front. But wait. It’s all seating down there. Not anymore. By the time Fate was done, the first three rows of seating were flattened. Motorhead was delayed due to Warfield staff having to not only remove the seating, but also unbolt the hardware from the floor. Ouch.
Motorhead would have been better if they hadn’t had technical difficulties resulting from the volume being TOO FUCKING LOUD. I was on the left side, and this would turn out to be the beginning of the end for the hearing in my left ear. I’m down to about 20%. Still at 100% on the right. Plus, I developed a new skill at reading lips, to a cetain degree. Yup, Motorhead did me in. Obvo
#150 - Knock, Knock
(dedicated to Helio Castroneves, 3-time winner of the 2009 Indianapolis 500)
You can knock a guy for crying, when he gets picked on.
You can knock a guy for crying, when he gets hit.
You can knock a guy for crying, when his girl leaves him.
You can knock a guy for crying, when he is sad.
But never, never, never, EVER, knock a man for crying, when he wins. Tears of joy are the only exception. Besides - at that time, his adrenaline is so high, it would be in your best interest to not knock him, if you don’t want to be knocked out.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Avon. Avon who? Avon lady and your doorbell’s broken.
You can knock a guy for crying, when he gets picked on.
You can knock a guy for crying, when he gets hit.
You can knock a guy for crying, when his girl leaves him.
You can knock a guy for crying, when he is sad.
But never, never, never, EVER, knock a man for crying, when he wins. Tears of joy are the only exception. Besides - at that time, his adrenaline is so high, it would be in your best interest to not knock him, if you don’t want to be knocked out.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Avon. Avon who? Avon lady and your doorbell’s broken.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
#149 - Vrooom
There comes a time when the planets are in line and all the cosmic forces come together for one moment in time. Once in a blue moon. This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday…
In the morning, we have the Indianapolis 500. In the afternoon, through part of the evening, it’s the Coca Cola 600 – the longest race of the NASCAR season. Sprinkle that with drag racing and monster trucks on other channels (ESPN & SPEED), to watch back-and-forth with the other two, and you’ve got what LaFevre calls – “Four-On-The-Floor”. Ha. I’m in heaven…sing it with me…I’m in heaven…
In the morning, we have the Indianapolis 500. In the afternoon, through part of the evening, it’s the Coca Cola 600 – the longest race of the NASCAR season. Sprinkle that with drag racing and monster trucks on other channels (ESPN & SPEED), to watch back-and-forth with the other two, and you’ve got what LaFevre calls – “Four-On-The-Floor”. Ha. I’m in heaven…sing it with me…I’m in heaven…
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
#148 - 3 Strikes
We encounter obstacles our whole lives, from all walks of life. Race, creed, gender, etc, means nothing. How we handle it gives us our experience, and hopefully makes us stronger in the process.
As far as health goes, the Big 3 are Stroke, Heart Attack, and Cancer. Two are immediate, the last being long-term, and debilitating. All three are survivable, if caught in time. This is why it is of the utmost importance you take the time to ensure none of these happen to you. Knowledge is power. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Oh, you can strike one off the list for LaFever (stroke). Another one for the “win” column.
When asked if he had enough vacation to cover the 3-week absence, LaFever had this to say: “I’ve been saving it for a rainy day, but I certainly wasn’t expecting to get hit by a Class 5 hurricane.” Phew.
As far as health goes, the Big 3 are Stroke, Heart Attack, and Cancer. Two are immediate, the last being long-term, and debilitating. All three are survivable, if caught in time. This is why it is of the utmost importance you take the time to ensure none of these happen to you. Knowledge is power. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Oh, you can strike one off the list for LaFever (stroke). Another one for the “win” column.
When asked if he had enough vacation to cover the 3-week absence, LaFever had this to say: “I’ve been saving it for a rainy day, but I certainly wasn’t expecting to get hit by a Class 5 hurricane.” Phew.
#147 - LaFever on OLaFever #3
You may slow him down, but you cannot stop him.
(For #1 and #2, see Fevisms #14 and #15)
(For #1 and #2, see Fevisms #14 and #15)
#146 - Vice Versa
As unhealthy, self-destructive and sometimes life-threatening as vices are, they still remain a form of stress relief, however negative the long-term effects may be. The key here: when someone tells you a problem exists, it is no longer stress-relief, but more a form of escape, or denial, masking a larger issue. Pay attention to others, and take care o’ yo biz.
Friday, May 1, 2009
#145 - Clay Animay Gumbay
Claymation. Second only to animation. And much harder to create, considering the time and energy involved. Celebrity Death Match broke it into the mainstream. But before that, it was Mr. Bill from Saturday Night Live, that introduced the medium to the general public. BUT, it was a decade earlier, or more, that premiered the art and introduced the world to this genre. Gumby and Pokey. Just a little trivia for y’all. For a reason.
LaFevre mentions it only because Gumby is the perfect temporary nickname for yours truly, after having all the upper choppers removed, for various reasons. Now, he looks like the old guy from the Six Flags commercial. Great running joke, complete with erratic dance moves. Seeing is believing.
Nonetheless, the temporary consequences have elicited a zen riddle, a trick question, rhetorical in nature, for which there is no answer. Mostly a play on words. Why do we need teeth to chew gum? Or gummy bears? Gumballs? Makes no sense. Gimme gum, or gimme death…thayeth the Feve…
LaFevre mentions it only because Gumby is the perfect temporary nickname for yours truly, after having all the upper choppers removed, for various reasons. Now, he looks like the old guy from the Six Flags commercial. Great running joke, complete with erratic dance moves. Seeing is believing.
Nonetheless, the temporary consequences have elicited a zen riddle, a trick question, rhetorical in nature, for which there is no answer. Mostly a play on words. Why do we need teeth to chew gum? Or gummy bears? Gumballs? Makes no sense. Gimme gum, or gimme death…thayeth the Feve…
Thursday, April 30, 2009
#144 - McDouble Standard
One of LaFevre’s favorite past-times is pointing out inconsistencies, misnomers, inadequacies, etc. After three occurrences, this one sells itself. Walk into any McDonald’s, and ask for a double cheeseburger. Advertised on the dollar menu. Easy, you ask? There’s a catch. Here’s the same conversation I have, just for the fun of it, every time I go to “Mickey D’s”.
“Double cheeseburger, please.”
“$1.41”
I thought it was on the dollar menu.”
That’s the McDouble Cheeseburger.”
So, there’s a double cheeseburger, and a McDouble cheeseburger.”
“Yes.”
“Well, geez, what’s the difference?”
“The double cheeseburger has two beef patties, and two slices of cheese. The McDouble has two beef patties, but only one slice of cheese.”
WTF?! LaFevre says, stick with the McDouble. If it’s only a buck, why pay an extra forty cents for an extra slice of processed American cheese. That’s a 40% markup. Again, WTF?!
“Double cheeseburger, please.”
“$1.41”
I thought it was on the dollar menu.”
That’s the McDouble Cheeseburger.”
So, there’s a double cheeseburger, and a McDouble cheeseburger.”
“Yes.”
“Well, geez, what’s the difference?”
“The double cheeseburger has two beef patties, and two slices of cheese. The McDouble has two beef patties, but only one slice of cheese.”
WTF?! LaFevre says, stick with the McDouble. If it’s only a buck, why pay an extra forty cents for an extra slice of processed American cheese. That’s a 40% markup. Again, WTF?!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
#141 - On The Fence
Conservative or liberal. Upper or lower. Inside or out. Left or right. Easy enough. Then there’s the in-betweeners. They can’t make up their minds. Decide, or drop out. Props to Chris Rock for showing you can be on one side for one thing, and the other side for another. “I’m against handguns, but for prostitution.” How can you argue with that?!
So LaFevre, being the classic Gemini, holds positions on both sides of issues. But it isn’t the issues, per se, that matter, but where he stands. Or how he responds. With him, it’s either “cut’n’dry”, or “sitting in left field”. Do you want a straight-shot, or the reasons why and philosophy behind it? If that’s not enough, maybe this will help – you want the shock treatment, or the meds?! Isn’t life grand?
So LaFevre, being the classic Gemini, holds positions on both sides of issues. But it isn’t the issues, per se, that matter, but where he stands. Or how he responds. With him, it’s either “cut’n’dry”, or “sitting in left field”. Do you want a straight-shot, or the reasons why and philosophy behind it? If that’s not enough, maybe this will help – you want the shock treatment, or the meds?! Isn’t life grand?
#140 - House Of Cards
LaFevre envisions a deck of cards that would sell like hotcakes, if he could get past copyright laws. Maybe if everyone involved would agree to an equal percentage of the pie, it could be done. Uh yeah. Picture this:
Ace: Carl’s Jr. star King: Burger King’s king
Queen: Dairy Queen’s lips Jack: Jack In The Box head
Joker: McDonald’s arches
And the 2 through ten? Logos from the other franchises: Wendy’s, Taco Bell, KFC, Wendy’s, Arby’s, Subway, Quizno’s, etc.
Funny how the top chains all use royalty in their marketing campaigns. But sadly, those who frequent those establishments are nothing more than peasants, manipulated by their quick and cheap availability. LaFevre sheds a tear.
Ace: Carl’s Jr. star King: Burger King’s king
Queen: Dairy Queen’s lips Jack: Jack In The Box head
Joker: McDonald’s arches
And the 2 through ten? Logos from the other franchises: Wendy’s, Taco Bell, KFC, Wendy’s, Arby’s, Subway, Quizno’s, etc.
Funny how the top chains all use royalty in their marketing campaigns. But sadly, those who frequent those establishments are nothing more than peasants, manipulated by their quick and cheap availability. LaFevre sheds a tear.
#139 - Three's A Magic Number
Heavens above, Hell below, Purgatory, in between. LaFevre gives you another one of his way-from-left-field observations. The magic three are: “body”, “soul” and “spirit”. Upon death, these three transcend, in three different directions. The “body” transcends, or rather descends, to dust. The ultimate recycle. Organic matter, relegated back to the earth. Try not to think of decomposition as a bad thing here, ok folks?
This leaves the two ethereal, other-worldly, forms of human existence – the soul, and the spirit. Some see them as the same. Maybe so. But LaFevre believes differently; since the two are named differently for a reason. The spirit holds all the good in you, while the soul holds all the bad. No one is exempt from the misdeeds throughout life. Everyone must pay. The earth gets the body, God gets the spirit, and the devil gets your soul. Everyone is happy. Let’s call it a night.
This leaves the two ethereal, other-worldly, forms of human existence – the soul, and the spirit. Some see them as the same. Maybe so. But LaFevre believes differently; since the two are named differently for a reason. The spirit holds all the good in you, while the soul holds all the bad. No one is exempt from the misdeeds throughout life. Everyone must pay. The earth gets the body, God gets the spirit, and the devil gets your soul. Everyone is happy. Let’s call it a night.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
#138 - The Seven Deadly Copy/Sins
Here’s a list that has a double meaning. For those who work in copy centers, or those responsible for copywork, who do not have the luxury of a copy center to handle it; and those who give their copywork to someone else to do,
LaFevre gives you – the seven deadly sins of copywork. Mostly to let those know, who pass on the work to someone else, the level of difficulty, and the reason for the length of time to complete it. Each sin is a pain, in and of itself, but when combined, compound the situation; the worst being a job involving all seven. You don’t want to know. Or go there.
1 – staple removal
2 – flag removal
3 – dividers (copied as requested)
4 – mixed-size paper (letter, legal, 11x17)
5 – two-sided pages
6 – colored sheets
7 – colored copies
LaFevre gives you – the seven deadly sins of copywork. Mostly to let those know, who pass on the work to someone else, the level of difficulty, and the reason for the length of time to complete it. Each sin is a pain, in and of itself, but when combined, compound the situation; the worst being a job involving all seven. You don’t want to know. Or go there.
1 – staple removal
2 – flag removal
3 – dividers (copied as requested)
4 – mixed-size paper (letter, legal, 11x17)
5 – two-sided pages
6 – colored sheets
7 – colored copies
#137 - No Direction Known
With props to Dylan, the “Rolling Stone”, for the apropos title here. Directions. We all need them. We all use them. Men fail to admit being lost. Women tell them to ask for directions. Yet both are lost. Go figure. But this isn’t about directions, per se. We’re talking a higher level here. The worries of the world. But it doesn’t have to be like that. Seriously.
Thanks to Anne M., for some insightful thoughts, as others have in the past, that sow the seeds for many of the fevisms created here. Three ways to ascertain how to handle “the worries of the world”.
1 – If you are not directly affected by what is going on in the world today, let it go. Anger and disappointment will get you nowhere. Donate to your favorite charity, if nothing else.
2 – If you are indirectly affected by what is going on around the world today, and in your backyard, prepare backup plans and keep an eye on what’s going on, just in case.
3 – If you are directly affected by what’s going on around the world today, specifically, in your own backyard, act immediately. #2 should have prepared you for this. What are you waiting for? Get up off your ass and take care of business. Whatever it may be. Before it’s too late. Now. Goddammit.
Thanks to Anne M., for some insightful thoughts, as others have in the past, that sow the seeds for many of the fevisms created here. Three ways to ascertain how to handle “the worries of the world”.
1 – If you are not directly affected by what is going on in the world today, let it go. Anger and disappointment will get you nowhere. Donate to your favorite charity, if nothing else.
2 – If you are indirectly affected by what is going on around the world today, and in your backyard, prepare backup plans and keep an eye on what’s going on, just in case.
3 – If you are directly affected by what’s going on around the world today, specifically, in your own backyard, act immediately. #2 should have prepared you for this. What are you waiting for? Get up off your ass and take care of business. Whatever it may be. Before it’s too late. Now. Goddammit.
Friday, March 20, 2009
#136 - Honor Roll
LaFevre would like to extend a blanket thank you and subsequent induction to his Honor Roll, to everyone around the world who use a product or service because of their charitable contributions and work, and/or their eco-friendly work ethic; in spite of the possible sub-standard service or not-very-good product provided.
Green Forest toilet paper may be recycled, but it still feels like the commercial-grade stuff used in corporate restrooms. Ouch. But LaFevre still uses it. And nothing else. (After all, when MD switched its name to AngelSoft, LaFevre just couldn’t fathom adding that to his grocery cart.)
Green Forest toilet paper may be recycled, but it still feels like the commercial-grade stuff used in corporate restrooms. Ouch. But LaFevre still uses it. And nothing else. (After all, when MD switched its name to AngelSoft, LaFevre just couldn’t fathom adding that to his grocery cart.)
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