#177 - The Lucky Seven

The dreaded “seven deadly sins”. At least according to Catholics. LaFevre is now wondering if there is a similar group in Judaism and Islamic circles. No matter. LaFevre would like to share his personal interpretation of the seven deadly sins, as they relate to his world.

LUST – Glad you had fun. Are you ready for round 2?
GLUTTONY – Please sir, may I have some more?
SLOTH – What’s your hurry? Relax. You’ll live longer.
PRIDE – Often imitated; never duplicated.
GREED – No. There’s not enough to go around. Go find your own.
ENVY – Dream on, Bullwinkle.
WRATH – It’ll be the last thing you ever do!

That's So Juvenie, 1991 - an excerpt from My Chequered Life, the LaFevre Autobiography

The beginning of the end for the Crazy 80’s happened towards the end of 1990. All came crashing down. And I had the best intentions. The order of the universe couldn’t care less. Radio was over. Work was during evenings and weekends. The icing would come in the form of two kids from the neighborhood. They lived two blocks up the street from the SFJCC. I lived five blocks in another direction. The girl was 16, the boy, 12. The girl was a fan of ‘metal’, as I was. We talked on occasion, in the neighborhood.

Then one day on my way to the college station, KUSF, where I was donating my time for radio production services, I ran into them on the bus. They asked to tag along and did. At the station, they had pizza and beer. I gave them a slice and sips from my beer. After the meeting was over, they asked if they could come home with me. They told me they had run away from home. I told them if I let them stay over, it would be ‘harboring a fugitive’. But there was a higher purpose, as defined by my next comment. I told them they could stay over, to keep them off the street, but they would have to leave in the morning, since I had to go to work. Agreed.

A week later, I got a call from the juvenile authorities. I went down to the precinct to answer questions. I answered truthfully, throwing in the reasons why, which I always thought, helped, as a matter of circumstance. I was told if a warrant were issued for further investigation, I would be called. Sure enough, I got the message on my machine. As it turned out, they were under foster care, and not real brother and sister. Furthermore, it was the foster parents who were pressing charges. To keep from getting punished, most likely, they dropped the dime on me. After everything I had done for them. The charge: contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Huh? They only had a couple sips (of beer). And I kept them off the street. And safe.

Didn’t matter. I was being evicted anyway. Wasn’t a warrant I could be arrested for in any other county, due to expense of paperwork and transportation. I certainly was reminded of the warrant on three separate occasions in different parts of the Bay Area. Finally, I got pulled over in SF. I knew the routine. Handcuffed and transported to the local precinct (Northern Station). Next stop, Hall of Justice. Released on OR (own recognizance).

I was ordered to appear in court to answer the charges. Six times. See, each time, the Assistant District Attorney didn’t have paperwork (or so he said) and was not up to speed on the details. One of the excuses was that they couldn’t find the minors to get their side of the story. I immediately approached the Public Defender. “Hey, this is bullshit. They’re foster kids. Wards of the State. That means they’re in the database. Look it up. Find them. Or drop the case for lack of evidence.” He could tell I was frustrated, and for good reason. After a discussion with the ADA, they offered a no-contest plea, and 25 hours of community service. I just wanted it to end, so I agreed. Turns out, there was a $180.00 administrative fee attached to the service. Fucking shit. Never paid it, though. Didn’t even finish the 25 hours. Of course, that meant it would go back to warrant. I was issued a court date. I remember it vividly. It was set for a Sunday. Didn’t make sense. Got up anyway. 8am. Sunday. Nothing scheduled, of course. Blew it off.

For the sake of continuity, we’ll finish the details here, even though they occur five years later. Pulled over and arrested for this outstanding warrant. Another overnight stay. Cool part was, as a bunch of detainees were led from the main cell to a processing area, names were called, and accompanied by a deputy to their respective courts. My name came up, alone. Escorted by two deputies. The looks in my direction were like, “Whoa, what the fuck did he do?”, and an immediate air of respect from everyone. The deputies were cool. Turns out, one of them went to my high school.

In the waiting room, the public defender comes in. I tell him the whole story from the beginning. He’s amazed at the attention-to-detail of my recall as if it happened the day before yesterday. He responds, “Funny you should mention the Sunday, and the date, because according to my records, you were scheduled for Monday.” I told him if he wanted to see the paperwork, I could produce it. They dropped the case with the remainder of the community hours dismissed for time served. What a fucking nightmare.

This is why no one helps anyone anymore, and chooses not to get involved. And that sucks. I'd do it all over again, but obviously, a little bit differently.

#175 - Who Is Tiger Claw?

Tiger Claw…
…is an ancient Chinese secret…is what the cat dragged in…is hotter than the hammers of hell…won’t make it to heaven anytime soon…likes it medium-rare…is really a dragon, trapped in a tiger body…does twice the work, in half the time, when he feels like it…knows what you’re going to do, before you even think of it…is Cajun for grandmaster…is cage-free, loves the earth, but is not of this earth…fears not what he does, but what he is capable of doing…knows without knowing, acts without thinking, and speaks without reserve…and is all of the above, yet nothing what you thought, all at the same time, but in no particular order.

#174 - The Business Of Business

As I was showing someone a piece of personal business, another asked in jest, “Is that work-related?” “Of course it is. This was done on a copier here at work. Everything I do here at work, I consider work-related.” After a snicker, they were speechless, of course. LaFevre figured it was worthless on their part to go any further. Resistance is futile.

#173 - WTF?!

Geez, I tell ya, my God, the things I gotta do…
to pass the time!

#172 - Blue In The Face

When people dive, they usually use breathing apparatus. There’s snorkeling, and then deep-sea diving with tanks. LaFevre has a term for when you’re just holding your breath, most common in backyard swimming pools, but called “free-diving” in other waters. Add this to the Dictionary: “smurfing”.

#171 - Mocha Java, Mon

We all know the "classical" mocha is steamed milk, espresso and cocoa. The cheaper version made in the office kitchen, coffee and hot chocolate, is called a "ghetto" mocha. But LaFevre has his own version. The "iron" mocha. That would be coffee, and chocolate-flavored protein powder. When you lift that cup, feel the pump, and enjoy the protein shakes.

LaFevre Retorts...

Airplane Witticisms:

Flying isn't dangerous; crashing is what's dangerous.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

When in doubt, hold on to your altitude.
No one ever collided with the sky.

It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there,

than it is to be up there wishing you were down there.

There are OLD pilots, and there are BOLD pilots.
There are, however, no OLD, BOLD pilots.

#170 - Prison Yard Blues

We’ve all heard of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Well, after watching a prison special on The Discovery Channel, LaFevre came up with a new title, based on an old one.

“Lifestyles of the Bitch and Infamous”

#169 - It's In The Bag

Ever notice when people drink an alcoholic beverage in public, it’s in a paper bag? 100% of the time. Why? To hide the fact it’s an alcoholic beverage, because it’s illegal to drink in public. But by the very fact it’s in a paper bag means it’s an alcoholic beverage. So basically, it’s not fooling anyone. So why does this practice exist?

Nothing zen about this. The purpose of the paper bag isn’t to conceal the beverage while it is being consumed. In reality, the consumption usually takes place when no one is looking, since consumption is also illegal in public, not just possession. The purpose of the bag is to act as a storage unit, to hold at one’s side, hiding the fact it’s an alcoholic beverage.

Yeahhh. As if you’re really fooling anyone.

#168 - Flying The Friendly Skies

We’ve all heard about the “mile high club”. You could almost say, it’s on a lot of people’s “to-do” list. LaFevre wonders why no one ever mentions the sub-category of this club. As in, “by yourself”. Awwright, stop smirking. LaFevre has a name for it, as if it comes as no surprise. It’s called – “flying solo”. Now you can smirk.

#167 - Garcon, More Coffee

New word added to the LaFevre Dictionary. “Caffiend”. Yeah, I know the spelling is off. Intentional. “Caffeine” is “ei”, but “fiend” is “ie”, which is exactly why the word is spelled with “ie”. To highlight the second syllable, “fiend”. Duh. I shouldn’t have to be ‘splainin’ this. The word itself is self-explanatory. Allllllrighty then. Thank you very much. See ya. Wouldn’t wanna be ya. Bye-bye now. Hey!!! How ‘bout a refill here…

#166 - Info Anonymous

Here’s another LaFevre rant, for the people, but, at the same time, against the people, and sure to piss off a few. It’s what LaFevre does. It’s called a “shoot”. Nothing personal. But you have to admit, he has a point, whether you agree or not. And don’t bother arguing. It’s just one of those things that’s a waste of time to do so.

“Not authorized to speak, but done so, on condition of anonymity.” Excuse me? WTF! Unfortunately, this happens all too often for this simple reason: we, as the public, have a funny way of thinking we're entitled to know, when we're not. And the media exploits this.

So we have people not authorized to tell us what we want to know, telling people who don't have the right to know, but think they do, because somehow they believe it's their job, and responsibility (the media), passing on information they were not entitled to in this first place, to us, the general public, who think they have a right to know, when they don't, because it's none of their goddamn business.

Tiger Claw says:

The art of air guitar begins with the science. If you don't know the moves, and fail to move the fingers, on both hands, it won't matter how many jumps and somersaults you do. You'll still suck.

#165 - Hunger Strike

Starving artists are the future. Their work is on the cutting edge, embraced by a few, and ignored by the masses. But for all intent and purposes, LaFevre believes you don’t have to starve. The starving part is a result of pride and integrity.

If the difference in putting bread on the table is between stealing a Boudin’s empty soup bread-bowl off an outside table before the busboy gets to it, and choosing something from the fridge cuz you could afford to stock it, thanks to the day job, I’ll take the slice of bread, with mayo, and shredded cheese, folded in half, anyday. Then you can go steal that bread-bowl. Anything done on an empty stomach is just asking for trouble.

#164 - Diner's Club

Consumption. Sounds like the item being consumed, is alcohol. Okay, how about feeding. Uhh, sounds more like what animals do, and vampires. I know. Eating. We all do it. A simple action, really. But some highbrow created a term from the word “dinner”. That would be “dining”, or the root of the word, “to dine”, or “eat” (at dinnertime, obviously).

Technically, if you choose to over-analyze, we “eat” breakfast in the morning, and “eat” lunch midday, but “dine” in the evening. So it’s safe to say, “dine” is the root of “dinner”, and reserved for evening-use-only, since “dinner” is the more-social of the three meals. You could even go so far as to say, “dine” is a term created by the restaurant industry, meaning to “go out” for dinner.

LaFevre agrees. To a certain degree. Me thinks we “eat” at home, but “dine” out. Course, it could also be similar to another comparison: the one about men “sweating”, but women “perspire”. The rich dine, in and out, because they can afford it; but the rest of us “reglar folk” eat in, or eat out. After all, L:aFevre has yet to hear anyone say: “Shall we dine at McDonald’s this evening?”

For health reasons, it is often said that the evening meal, being larger than the other two, is the reason for obesity today. Lafevre shares this little quote on the healthy way to eat, as it pertains to “time of day”, with breakfast being the largest meal, to kickstart the day’s metabolism: eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper. (Food for thought – only one meal allows for dessert. Yup, dinner.)

#163 - Oops, There It Is

“Oops?” Excuse me? WTF?! Here’s a short-and-sweet standard to go by, when using this euphemism. Be warned, though, while it isn’t a double-standard, per se, it IS a double-edged sword, which is dependent on its use in context. Use it sparingly, and away from LaFevre, for fear that his patience may run out. Or worse, his tolerance. Buckle up.

One time or another, we’ve all heard it; we’ve all said it. It’s not so much specifically why and under what circumstances it is said, but more about which side is saying it.

When something happens, and “oops” is dropped, there are two things that determine its outcome. If you screw up, and someone else says “oops”, you’re off the hook, since the other person considers it no big deal. But if you screw up, and YOU say “oops”, it means YOU think it’s no big deal, but everyone else does, whether it is in reality, or not.

#162 - Time's Up

LaFevre only has a certain amount of patience and tolerance. They act synergistically, yet operate independently. When the patience drops to 50%, depending on the circumstances, the tolerance starts to decrease. Eventually, the patience runs out, at which time, there’s very little tolerance left. By that time, a decision has already been made as to what course of action will be taken, the minute the tolerance runs out.

While it may sound scientific on the surface, and it is, as far as the basic principles for establishing a foundation to assess all possible scenarios are concerned, the actions/reactions developing, are in a constant flux of change, as the circumstances change. The decrease in percentages for the patience and tolerance available, differs with each and every situation.

The only constant that can be considered definite in this whole process: when the patience runs out, and the tolerance is close to running out, you’re only hope of avoiding the wrath of what happens next, is if LaFever decides to walk away before your time runs out.

#161 - LaFevre's Believe It Or Not

LaFevre has it on good authority, these items of interest are factual, and true. Believe it? Or not. Did you know…

More money is printed for the Monopoly game, than the U.S. Treasury?
The only food that doesn’t spoil…is honey?
Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots?
“60 Minutes” is the only TV show with no theme music?
And 40% of all people at a party, snoop in the medicine cabinet?

LaFevre kids you not…

LaFevre retorts...

It takes a big man to cry; but it takes an even bigger man, to laugh at that man.

#160 - Snowball's Chance Of Hell

Things left unchecked, almost always balloon. It’s why molehills become mountains. A beaver’s little dam of twigs and branches, will drastically change the whole direction of creeks and streams, even rivers. So listen to LaFevre when he says: “If it’s rolling downhill, it WILL snowball.” If you get buried alive, no one can hear you scream. So the best place to be, is not in the vicinity. Words to survive by.

#159 - Chewing Gums

The upside to missing teeth is I don't have to worry about biting off more than I can chew. Of course, I still do anyway. Why? My eyes are bigger than my stomach. On the flip side, my body can still cash those checks my ego writes. After all, we all have egos. And they serve a purpose. Like being a confidence-builder, for one. The ego most people despise, is not really the ego at all, but the super ego. now let go of my ego.

#158 - Knowing Is Believing

We all know about the “have’s” and “have-not’s”. Now we have the “knows”, as opposed to the nose, in which size is not a factor, in knowing. Maybe in the sense of smell, but that’s it. Why is “know” a positive, but sounds the same as “no”, which is a negative? Here’s why. There are 3 types of people who know: two are negative and one is positive. That’s why. On to the 3.

The first are the unknowing. They don’t know what they want. They need to be asked questions to determine what they want.

The second are the know-it-all’s. This is the misnomer of the three. The know-it-all’s know what they want, sorta, but they don’t “know-it-all” because they don’t know how to attain, make or fix it, to how they want it.

The third are the “all-knowing”. Knowing exactly what you want, how to attain it, fix it, make it; exactly how you want it. No questions asked. Surely, you can’t be serious. I am, and stop calling me Shirley.

#157 - Hangover Fist

There are two types of hangovers. The first one, everyone knows all too well. The result of binge-drinking. The second is the result of binge-eating. Huh? Yup. “Hey, where’s your belt.” It’s hiding under the hangover.

#156 - Choy Lay Foot

Another alternative definition for the LaFevre Dictionary of Contemporary Terms. Wow. Two back-to-back. Well, this one’s on the other foot. The term? Tofu. The new definition? It’s when you’re a grandmaster, and you’re so good, you don’t even need the whole foot. Just the toe.

Tiger Claw says...

Tiger Claw is often asked if he's nervous during air guitar competition. Uh, hardly. When Tiger claw is on, it's everyone else who's nervous. Quaking in their boots. Fingers going numb. Legs wobbling. Insecurity. Paranoia. Don't even think about it.

#155 - The Logic Commission

No more. It’s clear your brain cells were dormant during the thought process. From now on, when something is so clear and obvious, yet you still fail to grasp what is in front of you, despite the numerous hints given, LaFevre has no choice but to assess a logic fee; aka, the “common sense commission”. LaFevre thinks for himself, but, on occasion, has to think for others. So, a fee for doing so is only fair. Besides, if you’re that clueless, you’ll pay up without even thinking about it, since thinking is not part of your thought process anyway. Ouch.

#154 - Birthday Suit

Here are LaFevre’s top five facts you should know about “your birthday”:

Honorable Mention - It’s not really your birthday. It’s the anniversary of your birthday. Do you wish couples a “Happy Anniversary” on their anniversary? No. It’s celebrated only between them. And your birthday is no different.

5 – When you wake up in the morning on your birthday, ¼ of it has already passed. If you’re out celebrating until the wee hours of the morning, somewhere in the middle, it’s no longer your birthday. My favorite past-time is waiting until after midnight, and then telling the birthday person, these drinks are on you now. Huh?! Yup. It’s 1am. Your birthday is now yesterday. Sorry bout that. Our wallets are not bottomless pits, you know.

4 - Your birthday is not common knowledge to the rest of the world, so don’t get upset if no one sucks up to you or cuts you slack when you slack off, since they don’t know it’s your birthday. And only family and close friends are expected to remember it. Everyone else have better things to do than remember your birthday.

3 – On one’s birthday, everyone feels special. No exceptions. This is a result of the ultimate brainwash by your parents, who started it on the first anniversary of your birthday, and every year after that. In reality, your birthday is only special to you. The “Happy Birthdays” and gifts lavished on you are really only lip service because, in the end, nobody really cares about YOUR birthday, only theirs. But if they want people to care about theirs, they need to care about yours.

2 – Birthdays always elicit a feeling of exemption from everything at hand, and exceptions to the rule. But you can’t enjoy that exemption or exception unless people know it’s your birthday. On the flip side, by telling everyone it’s your birthday, you’re also telling them you expect special treatment, and exemption from everything at hand, . The ultimate catch-22.

1 – It’s my birthday today, and I’m gonna do whatever the hell I want, cuz I deserve it, I earned it, I’m entitled to it. At least, that’s what Mom & Dad told me.

#153 - Adverbiage

Profanity. Not for the faint of heart. Used, abused, and overused. Lafevre loves to use it. But only in the context of accentuating the object of its usage. It is the adverb of the forbidden. When ‘darn’ is not enough, we use ‘damn’. When ‘oh, crap’ is not enough, we use ‘oh, shit’. And when ‘screw you’ is not enough, we all know what to use instead. No longer is it taboo in the presence of a woman, except that you have to wait until she does before you can. Here are two classics from LaFevre’s yesteryear.

“Chuck you Farley and your whole famn damily.
You think you’re so smuckin’ fart,
why don’t you go back off in your OWN jackyard
and see how YOUR feter peels!”

“You cock-suckin’, mother-fuckin’, two-ball bitch;
When I look at you, my two balls itch!”

#152 - Quote, Unquote

Prop time. Quotes LaFevre wishes he came up with. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with going back to the well for inspiration. These are right up LaFevre’s alley.

It’s always darkest just before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s paper, that’s the time to do it.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Anything worth fighting for, is worth fighting dirty for.

Change is inevitable; except from a vending machine.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times, I let her sleep in.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

#151 - Hail To The Chief

Ever share a wild theory, only to be shot down with “improbable”, ‘highly-unlikely”, “impossible”, or the ever-present “now you’re just being paranoid”? Happens to me on occasion. Alas, all is not lost. Here’s one way to save face, and make everyone else feel awkward for not considering it. It’s really quite simple:

Respond with this little quip: “Well, maybe so. But there are 6½ TRILLION people on this planet. Do you honestly believe I’m the only one who thinks that?”

Of course, if your theory should become reality, you just became a god. But to stay a god, forget about it, and let others bring it up. Cuz if YOU do, you can kiss your crown goodbye. Hail to the chief, baby.

Hear No Evil, 1984 - an excerpt from "My Chequered Life", LaFevre's autobiography

Before there was metal, there was Motorhead. If Black Sabbath were the godfathers of heavy metal, Motorhead were the hitmen. Louder and faster than anyone on the scene at that time, Motorhead was the shit.

They were in town at the Warfield. A mid-sized venue with a capacity for 1600. Old-fashioned theater with theater seating right up to the stage. This would be the last time The Warfield would look like this. The bill: Motorhead, Mercyful Fate, Exciter. Third row on the aisle, on the left side. Right in front of the speaker stacks. Exciter was good. Mercyful Fate was off the charts. So much that a mosh pit developed down in front. But wait. It’s all seating down there. Not anymore. By the time Fate was done, the first three rows of seating were flattened. Motorhead was delayed due to Warfield staff having to not only remove the seating, but also unbolt the hardware from the floor. Ouch.

Motorhead would have been better if they hadn’t had technical difficulties resulting from the volume being TOO FUCKING LOUD. I was on the left side, and this would turn out to be the beginning of the end for the hearing in my left ear. I’m down to about 20%. Still at 100% on the right. Plus, I developed a new skill at reading lips, to a cetain degree. Yup, Motorhead did me in. Obvo

#150 - Knock, Knock

(dedicated to Helio Castroneves, 3-time winner of the 2009 Indianapolis 500)

You can knock a guy for crying, when he gets picked on.
You can knock a guy for crying, when he gets hit.
You can knock a guy for crying, when his girl leaves him.
You can knock a guy for crying, when he is sad.

But never, never, never, EVER, knock a man for crying, when he wins. Tears of joy are the only exception. Besides - at that time, his adrenaline is so high, it would be in your best interest to not knock him, if you don’t want to be knocked out.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Avon. Avon who? Avon lady and your doorbell’s broken.

#149 - Vrooom

There comes a time when the planets are in line and all the cosmic forces come together for one moment in time. Once in a blue moon. This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday…

In the morning, we have the Indianapolis 500. In the afternoon, through part of the evening, it’s the Coca Cola 600 – the longest race of the NASCAR season. Sprinkle that with drag racing and monster trucks on other channels (ESPN & SPEED), to watch back-and-forth with the other two, and you’ve got what LaFevre calls – “Four-On-The-Floor”. Ha. I’m in heaven…sing it with me…I’m in heaven…

#148 - 3 Strikes

We encounter obstacles our whole lives, from all walks of life. Race, creed, gender, etc, means nothing. How we handle it gives us our experience, and hopefully makes us stronger in the process.

As far as health goes, the Big 3 are Stroke, Heart Attack, and Cancer. Two are immediate, the last being long-term, and debilitating. All three are survivable, if caught in time. This is why it is of the utmost importance you take the time to ensure none of these happen to you. Knowledge is power. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Oh, you can strike one off the list for LaFever (stroke). Another one for the “win” column.

When asked if he had enough vacation to cover the 3-week absence, LaFever had this to say: “I’ve been saving it for a rainy day, but I certainly wasn’t expecting to get hit by a Class 5 hurricane.” Phew.

#147 - LaFever on OLaFever #3

You may slow him down, but you cannot stop him.
(For #1 and #2, see Fevisms #14 and #15)

#146 - Vice Versa

As unhealthy, self-destructive and sometimes life-threatening as vices are, they still remain a form of stress relief, however negative the long-term effects may be. The key here: when someone tells you a problem exists, it is no longer stress-relief, but more a form of escape, or denial, masking a larger issue. Pay attention to others, and take care o’ yo biz.

Tiger Claw says...

In space, no one can hear you play.

#145 - Clay Animay Gumbay

Claymation. Second only to animation. And much harder to create, considering the time and energy involved. Celebrity Death Match broke it into the mainstream. But before that, it was Mr. Bill from Saturday Night Live, that introduced the medium to the general public. BUT, it was a decade earlier, or more, that premiered the art and introduced the world to this genre. Gumby and Pokey. Just a little trivia for y’all. For a reason.

LaFevre mentions it only because Gumby is the perfect temporary nickname for yours truly, after having all the upper choppers removed, for various reasons. Now, he looks like the old guy from the Six Flags commercial. Great running joke, complete with erratic dance moves. Seeing is believing.

Nonetheless, the temporary consequences have elicited a zen riddle, a trick question, rhetorical in nature, for which there is no answer. Mostly a play on words. Why do we need teeth to chew gum? Or gummy bears? Gumballs? Makes no sense. Gimme gum, or gimme death…thayeth the Feve…

#144 - McDouble Standard

One of LaFevre’s favorite past-times is pointing out inconsistencies, misnomers, inadequacies, etc. After three occurrences, this one sells itself. Walk into any McDonald’s, and ask for a double cheeseburger. Advertised on the dollar menu. Easy, you ask? There’s a catch. Here’s the same conversation I have, just for the fun of it, every time I go to “Mickey D’s”.

“Double cheeseburger, please.”
“$1.41”
I thought it was on the dollar menu.”
That’s the McDouble Cheeseburger.”
So, there’s a double cheeseburger, and a McDouble cheeseburger.”
“Yes.”
“Well, geez, what’s the difference?”
“The double cheeseburger has two beef patties, and two slices of cheese. The McDouble has two beef patties, but only one slice of cheese.”

WTF?! LaFevre says, stick with the McDouble. If it’s only a buck, why pay an extra forty cents for an extra slice of processed American cheese. That’s a 40% markup. Again, WTF?!

#141 - On The Fence

Conservative or liberal. Upper or lower. Inside or out. Left or right. Easy enough. Then there’s the in-betweeners. They can’t make up their minds. Decide, or drop out. Props to Chris Rock for showing you can be on one side for one thing, and the other side for another. “I’m against handguns, but for prostitution.” How can you argue with that?!

So LaFevre, being the classic Gemini, holds positions on both sides of issues. But it isn’t the issues, per se, that matter, but where he stands. Or how he responds. With him, it’s either “cut’n’dry”, or “sitting in left field”. Do you want a straight-shot, or the reasons why and philosophy behind it? If that’s not enough, maybe this will help – you want the shock treatment, or the meds?! Isn’t life grand?

LaFevre retorts...

It is LaFevre's sole purpose in life, to serve as a warning to others.

#140 - House Of Cards

LaFevre envisions a deck of cards that would sell like hotcakes, if he could get past copyright laws. Maybe if everyone involved would agree to an equal percentage of the pie, it could be done. Uh yeah. Picture this:

Ace: Carl’s Jr. star King: Burger King’s king
Queen: Dairy Queen’s lips Jack: Jack In The Box head
Joker: McDonald’s arches

And the 2 through ten? Logos from the other franchises: Wendy’s, Taco Bell, KFC, Wendy’s, Arby’s, Subway, Quizno’s, etc.

Funny how the top chains all use royalty in their marketing campaigns. But sadly, those who frequent those establishments are nothing more than peasants, manipulated by their quick and cheap availability. LaFevre sheds a tear.

#139 - Three's A Magic Number

Heavens above, Hell below, Purgatory, in between. LaFevre gives you another one of his way-from-left-field observations. The magic three are: “body”, “soul” and “spirit”. Upon death, these three transcend, in three different directions. The “body” transcends, or rather descends, to dust. The ultimate recycle. Organic matter, relegated back to the earth. Try not to think of decomposition as a bad thing here, ok folks?

This leaves the two ethereal, other-worldly, forms of human existence – the soul, and the spirit. Some see them as the same. Maybe so. But LaFevre believes differently; since the two are named differently for a reason. The spirit holds all the good in you, while the soul holds all the bad. No one is exempt from the misdeeds throughout life. Everyone must pay. The earth gets the body, God gets the spirit, and the devil gets your soul. Everyone is happy. Let’s call it a night.

#138 - The Seven Deadly Copy/Sins

Here’s a list that has a double meaning. For those who work in copy centers, or those responsible for copywork, who do not have the luxury of a copy center to handle it; and those who give their copywork to someone else to do,

LaFevre gives you – the seven deadly sins of copywork. Mostly to let those know, who pass on the work to someone else, the level of difficulty, and the reason for the length of time to complete it. Each sin is a pain, in and of itself, but when combined, compound the situation; the worst being a job involving all seven. You don’t want to know. Or go there.

1 – staple removal
2 – flag removal
3 – dividers (copied as requested)
4 – mixed-size paper (letter, legal, 11x17)
5 – two-sided pages
6 – colored sheets
7 – colored copies

#137 - No Direction Known

With props to Dylan, the “Rolling Stone”, for the apropos title here. Directions. We all need them. We all use them. Men fail to admit being lost. Women tell them to ask for directions. Yet both are lost. Go figure. But this isn’t about directions, per se. We’re talking a higher level here. The worries of the world. But it doesn’t have to be like that. Seriously.

Thanks to Anne M., for some insightful thoughts, as others have in the past, that sow the seeds for many of the fevisms created here. Three ways to ascertain how to handle “the worries of the world”.

1 – If you are not directly affected by what is going on in the world today, let it go. Anger and disappointment will get you nowhere. Donate to your favorite charity, if nothing else.

2 – If you are indirectly affected by what is going on around the world today, and in your backyard, prepare backup plans and keep an eye on what’s going on, just in case.

3 – If you are directly affected by what’s going on around the world today, specifically, in your own backyard, act immediately. #2 should have prepared you for this. What are you waiting for? Get up off your ass and take care of business. Whatever it may be. Before it’s too late. Now. Goddammit.

#136 - Honor Roll

LaFevre would like to extend a blanket thank you and subsequent induction to his Honor Roll, to everyone around the world who use a product or service because of their charitable contributions and work, and/or their eco-friendly work ethic; in spite of the possible sub-standard service or not-very-good product provided.

Green Forest toilet paper may be recycled, but it still feels like the commercial-grade stuff used in corporate restrooms. Ouch. But LaFevre still uses it. And nothing else. (After all, when MD switched its name to AngelSoft, LaFevre just couldn’t fathom adding that to his grocery cart.)

Tiger Claw says...

Veni, Vidi, Flying V - I came, I saw, I wailed.

#135 - Food For Thought

While we’re on the subject, since many fevisms are borne on the heels of other fevisms, ala “the bump”, here’s another on beer. And everything else, for that matter.

“If you drink more than you eat, you’ll be leaving your seat. If you eat more than you drink, you won’t reach the brink.” Everything in moderation, people. (For the record, LaFevre’s 440-Relay occurs only on weekends, lasting 12+ hours, and is filled with numerous meals, and catnaps. What else?!)

#134 - Beer Run

A new slang for an already-existing term, and relegated to the Dictionary of Contemporary Terms, the “440 Relay”. That would be four of LaFevre’s favorite beer, in the 40-oz size. When one reaches halfway down, rotate back to the fridge for the next one, to maintain continued coldness.

#133 - From The Hood

The hood. Reminds me of another famous term that changed every ten years, but meant the same. In the 70’s – fluorescent. 80’s – day-glo. 90’s – neon. Now – astrobright. Whoah. So, while “the hood’ has been around awhile, how many out there remember the days of “the ghetto”?! Hmm.

Here are two contemporary terms LaFevre wishes he had come up with, but is so impressed, he had to recognize.

The first refers to the classic espresso drink. Can’t afford it? Coffee and hot chocolate. The new term: ghetto mocha. Been around awhile. More recently, and this may not have been created by him, but he was the first from whom I heard the term used. Props to my man, Pete Brandt. Flatland king. Top 5 in the world. Check out his tricks – www.petebrandt.com .

LaFevre’s graphic design work depends heavily on “cut ‘n’ paste”. This was standard for decades before the digital era, and the advent of new software that replaced it. For cut ‘n’ paste, I give you, “Ghetto Photoshop”. Thanks Pete.

131 - Rocky Road

Third and final fevism in the BUMP series. Brought to you courtesy of my man, J.Hutch. He asks if the air bump can explode. The answer is No. The Air Bump is done by two individuals from afar. But Hutch raises another query, and LaFevre immediately thought of an alternative to the creation of the original Bump (see fevism #46).

LaFevre is going out on a limb here, and adding yet another term, a variation of a game men play in a high-testosterone environment, when either high and/or drunk, as a test of strength, called knuckles, where you bash each other’s fists and the loser is the one screaming in pain. LaFevre calls it the “knuckle slam”. And that, Hutch, is where the explosion occurs.

It may very well have evolved into something a little more civilized, and less painful, known now as the Bump. No bloodletting. No ripped flesh off the knuckles. Just a simple bump between friends. More bonding than the newly-considered-professional “handshake”. Strangers shake hands. Friends bump.

LaFevre retorts...

Whoa, when I look into your eyes,
I can see the back of your head.

#130 - Bump In The Night

OK, so it’s not really occurring at night. Hell, you wouldn’t be able to see it. What we’re talking here is a progression in the evolution of the bump. LaFevre went over this in fevism “#46 – The Origin Of The Bump”. And it is being added to the LaFevre Dictionary of Contemporary Terms, since he named it himself, even though the action itself was around first.

It’s called, the AIR BUMP. LaFevre discovered this while waiting in line for the daily mail at the post office. While giving bumps to others as they come in to get in line, others were further back, and one usually kept to himself. But when he walked in once and raised his fist, and leaned it forward as if to give a bump, I returned the gesture. And the Air Bump was born. If an actual bump cannot be done up close, the Air Bump works from afar. All this will be published soon enough.

#129 - What's Up Doc?

Discovered during a recent bout of a fever. Funny. Is it any wonder LaFevre’s ears are burning. Now pay attention. LaFevre works through colds. But the fever totally incapacitates.

During the latest bout, Dr. LaFevre made a discovery. Nothing major. But in the interest of saving time, especially when you’re in the midst of a fever, and out of bed, freezing, shivering, and there’s nobody there to bring it you, minutes count. He laughs now as you might as well, and is to be expected. But when you’re down with bug, and left alone to fend for yourself, remember this: the sooner you take care of business, the sooner you’re back in bed under the covers, nice and warm.

The cure: Alka-Seltzer. Not just any Alka-Seltzer. The cold remedy Alka-Seltzer. Even more so, it isn’t just the cold remedy Alka-Seltzer. It’s how you prepare it. Huh? Doc is now a chef? C’est la vie.

LaFevre used to drop the tabs into a glass of cold water. Refreshing to a heated body that is shivering on the outside. Knowing it takes 3-5 minutes for the tabs to dissolve, he would drop the tabs, and hit the can. And still have to wait. Even recently, the cold water was difficult to drink due to dental issues. So LaFevre tried room-temperature water. By the time he was done in the can, the tabs were dissolved. And not just finishing. We’re talking done.

So there you have it. If you like your Alka-Seltzer in cold water because it’s refreshing, go for it. But if you find yourself standing there, watching the tabs disintegrate in slow motion, switch to room-temperature. Dr. LaFevre doesn’t know why, but it’s clear from the empirical evidence exhibited here, the tabs melt twice, maybe three times as fast in room-temperature water than it does in cold water. For godsakes Jim, I’m a doctor, not a restaurant chef.

#128 - And The Winner Is...

Ever notice how you never realize something because it’s TOO obvious? Case in point: LaFevre first heard Hendrix’ “Third Stone From The Sun” back in the late 70’s. Long after it was released. Then, a decade later, LaFevre watched John Lithgow in “Third Rock From The Sun”. Aliens living on Earth. Third rock. Whoa. That’s right, Earth. Third from the Sun. Wait a minute. “Third Stone From The Sun”. Jimi was referring to planet Earth. DUH.

Which leads LaFevre to his thought for today. 25 years later. LaFevre has been pushing the envelope his whole life. It’s the rebel in him. All other part-time careers aside, is it any wonder that his main line of work on a daily basis has always been mailroom management? Double DUH…

#127 - Butting Heads

Catchy, ain’t it? But appropriate, as always. LaFevre brings you another addition to the LaFevre Dictionary of Contemporary Terms. This time? A synonym to an already existing term. The ever popular “headbutt”. LaFevre finds it surprising he’s never heard it before when it popped into his head. Without further ado, LaFevre gives you – “noggin-knocker”.

You gotta admit, rolls right off the tongue. Thought of as a general term, but upon further reflection, could be used as a noun, or nickname, for football players. Ouch. Personal foul. Unnecessary roughness. 15 yards. First down.

#126 - Wait on me

Waiters and waitresses. You gotta love them. To quote Dudley Moore in Authur, “you ask them for things, and they bring them”. What LaFevre wants to know is, and you can classify this as either a trick question, or a zen riddle (one and the same, really), aside from certain districts in SF and NY, among others, why are there no waiters in bars? After all, there are just as many women drinking now as there are men. So you can rule out the flirting aspect leading to more purchases. Maybe at one time…Of course, LaFevre just wants to know, for knowing’s sake. Not for it to change. Hey waitress…

I Feel The Need...For Speed, 1997 - an excerpt from "My Chequered Life" (LaFevre's autobiography)

Not sure exactly when this occurred. All I know is, it did. And never forget it, I will. I know it was after I moved back to the city. I didn’t have a car, or a driver’s license. I couldn’t renew my license because of that ticket for expired registration.

I was partying with friends in the City. I had to do the running. It was my contact. Daly City. Just off the coastal highway. South of the SF border. No problem. It was all highway. Made the pickup. On the way back, it was all downhill, and I was flying. Right through a major intersection. Saw a police cruiser in my peripheral. Just sitting there. By the time I saw him in my rearview mirror, I was already 2 miles ahead, on SF’s Great Highway. A stretch of highway 2 miles long, with no turnoffs. But he was a mile back. I can’t figure out why he was so far back, considering he had two miles to catch up. Or radio for assistance. But nobody else showed. By then, it was on. I would have to disappear.

Thought for a second about hanging a u-turn at the lights situated every ½ mile. Even though it was a raised highway, there were crosswalks to get to the road running parallel downside. Pedestrian only. Did I mention I was in someone else’ car? I could not be caught. I would end up arrested, the car impounded. Snap decision. I dropped the hammer. Pedal to the metal. Lights off. I had 2 miles and 10 seconds to decide what I was going to do when I reached the end.

I was also working against the radio. I had to be at the end of the strip before backup showed up, who were possibly already dialed in. If they beat me, I would have had to stop short and bail. On foot, they wouldn’t have had a chance. No matter. I reached the end. Hell, this was my backyard. No one in sight. Rather than continue on in high speed fashion, and in a panic, which usually results in wrong decisions, I slowed to a normal pace. I had about a minute before my pursuer would catch up. And 60 seconds is a long time.

I hung a right on Lincoln Boulevard. The first right off the strip. One of two streets running up and down the length of SF’s largest park (perpendicular, btw), Golden Gate Park. In most cases, others would continue on, eventually getting nailed, or turning into the park and ending up trapped, with all exits likely being covered. I don’t think so.

After two blocks, I hung another right onto a neighborhood street. After all, this was my turf. Parked immediately and got out of the car. This is key in a getaway. Never stay in the car. They knew the car, and I couldn't be anywhere near it. Halfway down the block, I turned around to sirens, and watched the patrol car pass my street, flying up Lincoln Boulevard.

After 10 minutes of walking around the block, to make sure they didn't backtrack, I got back into the car, and used the side roads through the neighborhood to get back to ‘HQ’, using the shortest park crossover. Escape through the trees was the backup plan should I encounter any law enforcement along the way. Remember: I wasn’t even afforded the luxury of a pullover. Remember, no license.

Final destination: my buddy’s house. Two blocks on the other side of the park. Man, that was close. Didn’t tell him until years later. Had to be.

#125 - Class Dismissed

The ways of LaFevre/Tiger Claw affect everyone. For some, they are learned, the easy way. Always beneficial. For others, you get schooled, the hard way. Hurts at first, but doesn’t last. Like Mom used to say: “Don’t test me”. Food for thought, hungry or not.

#124 - Bullshit

One of LaFevre’s love/hate dilemmas; with the outcome on the ‘love’ side. Rodeos. Cowboy central. Macho headquarters. Ego-dudes competing to overcome wild broncos and bulls. (Grrr) But LaFevre sees the big picture.

In rodeos, the animal eventually wins in the end. While some walk away, the rest of the riders eat dirt. Or worse, end up trounced or gored. Never a pretty sight. Cheers to the animal.

Of course, the exception to the rule is Spain, where bullfights still exist. A slow painful death for the animal. LaFevre cries for the cause. Then again, LaFevre likes to think the “running of the bulls” prior to the ‘prizefight’ is a pre-payback for what’s to come. Seeing the mauling and goring in the streets kinda makes up for the one sacrificed later in the arena. Yeahhh.

“You mess with the bull, you get the horns.”

#123 - Flat Tire

Last night, when LaFevre got home, he was so tired, he stretched out on the couch to take a nap. By the time he woke up, it was time for bed. Dream a little dream…

#122 - You're Trippin'

Two new additions to the LaFevre Dictionary of Contemporary Terms. Actually, they’re connected. One is a term referring to a ‘medical’ condition; the other, slang for someone with this ‘medical’ condition.

Ever notice how some people drag their feet? Not in a work/life sense, referring to handling responsibilities, figuratively-speaking. I’m talking literally. Walking down the street. Not stumbling, when you hit a raised sidewalk, without tumbling, which is worse. Tumbling is synonymous with tripping, which is never pretty.

No, I’m talking lazy-walking. Dragging your feet! We’ve all done it. Some do it all the time. LaFevre has a name for this condition that occurs on a regular basis: “slackfoot”. No explanation is needed here. As for someone who suffers from ‘slackfoot’? LaFevre refers to you as a “stumbleweed”.

Have a nice trip? See you next fall!

#121 - Tickets 'R' Us

Gone are the days of walking into a Ticketmaster and buying a ticket. Wait. You can still do that. But your seat is a nosebleeder. LaFevre saw the writing on the wall when Springsteen came to town back in the late 80’s. The night before, we had to wait in line at ticket agencies, to be issued a bracelet with a number on it that determined your place in line the next day when tickets went on sale. WTF?!

But now, the Net rulz. As do ticket brokers. For all its advantages, the disadvantages exist alongside. Not only can we purchase immediately, online, ticket brokers buy in bulk, and resell at a markup. Legalized scalping. And for promotional purposes, blocks of tickets are set aside. Giveaways on-air, comps for friends and relatives, etc. This happens across the board – concerts, sports, etc.

For example – Super Bowl. The biggest event overall. Aside from season ticket holders, how the hell do you sell out a 60,000-seat stadium in 6 minutes? SIX MINUTES! F’n ticket brokers. LaFevre has a purchase policy. For everything. Never pay full price. After all, you can brag till the sun goes down. “I got Super Bowl tickets. On the 50-yard line.” Good for you.

Now you have to pay for the flight and hotel, and miss half the game due to restroom runs, food & beverage runs, seat neighbor distractions, and most of all, miss out on the televised commentary and the replays after every other play. But hey. It’s the Super Bowl. LaFevre toasts his 40 to your good fortune, while sitting at home nice and warm, sippin’ on a 40, with the can 20 feet away. Hope you took pictures. I got it on videotape.

LaFevre Retorts...

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

#120 - Driver's Ed

Driving is a privilege, not a right. If LaFevre were a driving instructor, a quarter of the people on the road would not have licenses. And deservedly so.

#119 - Speak No Evil

Not authorized to speak to the media, so you do it on condition of anonymity? Whistleblower. Rat. But that isn’t always the case, is it?

Maybe you’re releasing information to shed light on a situation where no official position has been made. People want answers. And they hate to wait. LaFevre calls it a strategic leak. After all, does anyone ever get fired for it, when it’s obvious everyone knows who did it? Such as when an aide to a government director does it, and it is mentioned that they are on a specific team. Uh, doesn’t that tell you who it is, just short of giving their name? You can blame the media for that. Loose lips sinks ships, baby.

#118 - Tape Delay

“Borrow today for an extended stay, and you’ll regret the day you finally pay.”
- LaFevre
I know. Sounds like a financial transaction here; although, that holds true in those cases. But this is about borrowing needful things. Does anyone ever return things on time anymore?

If you borrow something, and the lender doesn’t give you a time frame, you can bet it is still expected back within a short period, depending on the item’s use. It does NOT mean you can hold onto it until you’re ready to use it, or after done using it.
A rented tool for a job is borrowed with an understanding it is needed immediately. The return should be made upon completion of the job. A borrowed video takes time, considering the need to set aside at least two hours for viewing. That isn’t always easy on weeknights, but weekends are. A 2-hour movie shouldn’t take more than a week.

“If you can’t make the time, borrowing is the crime.”
(ode to Baretta)

#117 - A Nod To The Nod

Nod that the nod is more important than speaking, but equally important, nod-the-less. (LOL) The “nod”. The universal sign of respect. Whether it’s a raised nod, or a lowered nod. Everyone has their preferred nod. Thee way of saying, I may not like you, but I respect you. Or even as a sign of respect between strangers.

Which brings me to a new phrase for the LaFevre Dictionary of Contemporary Terms. “Nodding Terms.” We all know the phrase, “speaking terms”. When you and another stop speaking, and then resolve the situation, resulting in one another, at least speaking again (friendship is out of the question, obviously). But before you speak again, there is the “nod”.

I realized this when a former friend came over with others, left for the store, and didn’t return. Instead of calling with an excuse, he asked a friend to relay the message. Total disrespect. For several months, he would avoid eye contact, and pretend to not see me. No acknowledgement. After awhile, especially when it was passed on that it was his disrespect and subsequent screw-up that precipitated the whole scenario, it was the “nod” that broke the ice. Even if we never speak again, at least we’re on “nodding terms”.

“If you have nothing to say,
or can’t think of anything to say,
the “nod” will save the day.”

- LaFevre

#116 - A New Dawn

The days of positivity continue, in spite of the economy (2008). This inspiration comes courtesy of my friend, Mr. Scherer, of New Jersey. Proof positive there is hope yet for the human race, meaning you can maintain a friendship with someone you’ve never met, borne out of a single common interest, simply by email. Of course, you have to realize, it wouldn’t survive without some sort of respect. It’s all too easy to blow off someone from behind the safety of your computer screen. But I digress, that is the order of the day in this cyberspace-dominated society we’ve come to embrace, and depend on, unfortunately.

But, more importantly, the new dawn is always accepted as a changing of the guard. Doesn’t happen very often. Or not as often as it should. LaFevre prefers to think of the new dawn when he wakes up each morning. A new dawn is a new day. For whatever happens the day before, the day eventually ends. Whew. Wake up. Start over. Deal with the unfinished business. It’s all temporary. Like I said, tunnels, baby.

Quotes to ponder:
LaFevre quote: “When you live day to day, pray to live another day.”
"It’s darkest before dawn, so if you’re going to steal someone’s paper, that’s the time to do it.”
“Funny how ‘day’ breaks, and ‘night’ falls.

Tiger Claw says...

It is not whether you win or lose,
it's how you air guitar.

#115 - Tunnel Vision

Merry Christmas, everyone. A day of positivity. This one is borne out of a current family crisis. The wonderful thing about fevisms is, they are anecdotes and discoveries that come about when a crisis occurs, and gets you through it all.

Basically, there are caves, and then there are tunnels. Both provide protection. From the elements, whether man-made, nature, or a result of your hand. The difference is, caves are temporary, short-term, and a dead-end. Tunnels, on the hand, may go for miles, but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, that being the exit.

We retreat to caves, to comprehend and figure out, to come out after resolution. Caves, for all intent and purposes, cannot sustain. Caves are a resting period, since there’s nowhere to go, except deeper and deeper.

Tunnels, on the other hand, are permanent. We enter, for a duration, and exit at the end. For whatever troubles we encounter, are merely tunnels. They twist and bend, up and down, meaning the end may not be visible. But there is an end, and that’s what we need to remember, in the long-term. Nothing lasts forever. Even tunnels.

#114 - The Budgit Paradox

OK, I know I’m not a professor or expert on economics, but some things are obvious on the layman’s level. So, without going into any great detail, allow me to share with you a simple observation. Or more appropriately, a zen riddle.

We all know and hear about deficits, on local, state AND federal levels. I don’t get it. I’ve worked in Corporate America for 27 years. When a company loses money, especially a publicly-traded company, change is swift. Wages and returns depend on it. Until the deficit is gone. How is it, governments always seem to operate with a deficit, but everyone, from top to bottom, always seem to get paid? If the money coming in (assets) is less than the money going out (liabilities), where is the money coming from? And who do we owe if it’s continually borrowed?

Here’s not a new term, but a new definition for the term “budget”. It means, think twice before spending. As in ‘budge it”. It comes down to two realizations – luxury, or necessity. Do you want it, or need it? Funny how it never seems to enter the mind while shopping. Or budgeting.

#113 - The LoongTao Philosophy

For those unfamiliar, “LoongTao” is a term I created to represent my philosophy, my way of life. “Loong” means “dragon” in Cantonese, “Tao”, “way”, or “path”; hence, “Way of the Dragon”. The philosophy system is based on the 3 levels – physical, mental & spiritual. Each level has 3 representations to honor and respect. #1 – the arts, philosophy, and tradition. #2 – honesty, integrity and sincerity. #3 – transcend, evolve and become.

These are all ‘for life’, but I’ve realized recently there should be a daily 3 that helps to attain and achieve the above. And those are what we strive to be and do – move ahead, rise above, and look beyond. You could even say each one is respective to each level, in that order.

In spite of the world’s place at this moment in time, remember your family, your friends, and your associates. And those around you, as far as strangers go. Happy Holidays everyone.

#112 - Run For The Border

Funny how things happen without giving it a second thought, only to realize it after drawing attention to it? That’s what ‘fevisms’ are all about. After pointing it out to someone while walking about, not five minutes later, it happened, again.

Everyone walks their dog. A great American past-time. Except one. What is it with Chihuahua owners that they have to carry them instead of walking them? LaFevre didn’t get it at first. But then after seeing one owner put him down to walk, it came to him. The smallest dog in the world is so small, they can’t keep up with their owners. If you see a Chihuahua being walked, stop and watch. LaFevre guarantees you, within 5 minutes, 10 tops, he’ll be picked up out of frustration.

Of course, LaFevre has his own philosophy on dogs that small – there is no respect for anyone whose dog is smaller than his cat. Ruff to accept. It is what it is.

#111 - Even Steven

Except it never ends up even, does it?! I heard the line decades ago – “Don’t get mad, get even”. Then I heard the line – “Don’t get mad, don’t get even, get revenge”. Made sense, after I heard the reason. If you’re put out or slighted, getting even only restitutes the situation. What about the payback for putting you out in the first place? This is why “karma” is described as coming back “ten-fold”. Getting even only straightens things out. Getting revenge makes up for having to deal with the whole situation in the first place.

Then there’s the line, “revenge is sweet”. Today, I learned there is something sweeter, if that’s even possible. It is. And it’s called vindication. See, you can get even or get revenge on someone for whatever reason, but a lot of the time it has to be kept secret, under wraps. Only you, enjoys the benefit. But vindication is much sweeter. It means you exposed something or someone, and was paid no attention. Essentially, being kicked to the curb. Slapped in the face. When the inevitable occurs, as you predicted or warned against, the secret is exposed. Nothing is more satisfying than hearing “You were right. We’re sorry for not listening to you or heeding your warning.”

Even better, if “pride” prevents this affirmation from coming forward, they deserve the appropriate “I told you so”. If revenge is a piece of chocolate, then vindication is a goddamn banana split.

LaFevre Retorts...

Are you playing dumb, or just plain dumb?
Are you always this dumb, or only when I'm around?

#110 - In A Nutshell

As I said before, fevisms come to mind in the strangest places. This new addition to the LaFevre Dictionary of Contemporary Terms, came to pass, while passing in the lav, at an alternative comics convention, no less. Probably contributed to the creative process. NOT.

Here is a term that is not new, per se, as a created word, but a new definition; slang, if you will, for the standard urinal found only in mens’ bathrooms. New slang has to come from somewhere. Without further adieu: I give you, the “walnut”. Huh?!

Think about it. The standard toilet has it’s own vernacular: “the john”, or “the head” (both more of a total bathroom reference), and, more prominently, the “porcelain god”. The urinal has nothing. It isn’t fair. Enter, “the walnut”. It hangs from the wall, and juts out in the center, under your nuts. Plain and simple. That’s it. In a nutshell. You heard it here first.

#109 - The Skinny On Skinny

A laugh is definitely in order after the last one. Maybe. LaFevre never said it was going to be easy, or in line with the popular vote. Which brings me to weight sizes. LaFevre noticed one side of this weight thing lead to a new addition to the LaFevre Dictionary of Contemporary Terms.

First, there’s skinny. No problem with that. After that, is anorexic. What goes down, must come up (ouch). But there’s one level even lower, where they don’t even eat. And the winner is…

“heroin-thin”

Thank you, thank you, hope you liked the show. I’ll be here all weekend.

#108 - Tee'd Off

Boy, that title just rolled right off. GOLF. Never learned the game. Never had time. Maybe something similar to guitars. LaFevre is left-handed. And in a right-handed world, left-handed items cost 20% more. LaFevre noticed this about golfers, at least those in the corporate sector: he has no idea if golfers golf on the weekend, but he does know they regularly take off for the greens, in the middle of the day, in the middle of the week. Why? Only they know, since LaFevre doesn’t golf. Besides, it’s not like they’re tele-commuting in between holes. Just “driving”. All while the “traffic” increases back home.

#107 - Standing Tall

Humans. Top of the evolutionary food chain. Possessing the abilities of free will, reason, and thought. Dominance over all earthly living beings. Reproducing as mammals, yet acting like animals. All LaFevre wants to know is…

“Why can’t we sleep standing up?”

#106 - Perceptionist Politicum

Vision is extraordinary. Especially in its ability to play tricks on us, usually occurring in our peripherals, where what we thought we saw, is really something else, although close. Result: a “double-take”. Happens all the time. Here’s an example of a spontaneous peripheral misperception, you can’t help but laugh at, considering its obvious similarity.

Recently, I caught a neighborhood political sign in my peripheral: “Obama/Biden”. Nothing new, strange, or out of place. But as we all know how deceptive our peripherals can be, and how the mind plays tricks on us, I saw something different. And I know you’ll see what I thought I saw, in spite of everything else I see that no one else does, at least not before I point it out. (Ouch)

Sign in the window: Obama / Biden
Sign in my peripheral: Osama bin Laden

That’s gotta hurt.

Tiger Claw says...

Air guitarists never die -
they just change their, uh, strings...

#105 - Jingle All The Way

Yup. Commercial jingles. Would be perfect if it were Christmas time. Almost. What better time than right before Halloween. After all, this is about pop tunes, in disguise. That’s right. Not the pop tunes by the original artists, but done by session musicians for hire, just for that purpose.

Sorry, LaFevre has to ask the brutal question: If you’re going to sell out, why would you let someone else perform your song? Out of integrity? You’re selling out! It’s worse allowing your song to air as part of a national ad campaign, being done by someone else. Especially if you haven’t made any music in two decades (anyone who has seen the new commercial using The Fixx’s “Saved By Zero” should know what I’m talking about). LaFevre says: “Can you say – “La-who, Za-her”?!”

#104 - The Corporate Challenge

There are two types of challenges in the corporate rat race: new business, and consistency. Overlapping, of course, is not uncommon, but generally speaking, the ones responsible for bringing in new, and maintaining current business, involves new ideas, products and services. While on the other side of the spectrum, those who do the same work on a daily basis, the challenge is to perform the work correctly, all the time. Different and unique challenges for both sides, and the subsequent success when respect is present across the board. “Even if you win the rat race, you’re still a rat.”

#103 - Hopeless vs. Helpless

Ever notice how some people ask for help all the time? Why is that? I see it everywhere. But these people don’t really need help. They can do it themselves. A lot of the time they expect it. Even go so far as to chastise someone for NOT helping them.

Ever notice someone struggling in their efforts, but never ask for help? Call it pride. Call it “not wanting to appear as if they need help”. Why? Because they still have hope. Therein lies your answer. The helpless always maintain hope, while the hopeless always need help, to get by. LaFevre’s favorite response to the hopeless: “How did you make it this far in life?”

#102 - Soda Jerk

You ever have that feeling while you’re drinking a soda, and you have to burp, but you don’t want to stop drinking because you’re right at the end of the drink; so you release the burp through your nose, against your better judgment, and end up feeling the burn anyway, like you knew you would?

#101 - Working Hard, Working Smart

Amazing how quick it comes to pass. Simple as someone saying they had a hard or busy day. Which always leads to the old saying, for which LaFever wishes he could take credit for, but acknowledges, nonetheless.

Working hard vs. working smart. We all work hard, but not always smart. If we worked smart, we wouldn’t have to work so hard. We assume working hard is important, and recognized for it, since it gets the job done. Sure, to a certain degree. But working hard is more often taken advantage of, and doesn’t get you anywhere in the long term. Working smart is more important. To your boss. To the company. To its bottom line.

Management may depend on the “working hard” part in the short term, but all that will get you is a pat on the back, in the long run. Making the company money, or saving the company money, by working smart instead of hard, will get you that raise and/or bonus. In the end, it’s your boss who brings up the failures. It’s up to you to bring up the successes. There’s a reason logs are kept. I have mine. You got yours?

#100 - Just...Don't...Do...It

The landmark fevism #100 is on deck, so it necessitates living up to the hype. Might as well go low-brow for the one prior. Not to defeat its applicability. All fevisms apply. Some just appear low-brow, due to its very nature, but remember this: fevisms are about pointing out the obvious, even that which is obvious to us all, albeit taboo, that none of us talk about, but agree wholeheartedly.

Statements. We all get them. Most common: the monthly overview of activity. Another: one that people make. As an “announcement”, or an official account of ‘what happened’ at a crime scene. All in all, the goal is to have as many people hear and understand what you are trying to say.

So, the next time you’re in the bathroom, and someone is already there, for a #2, and you’re tempted to say, “Hey, flush the goddamn toilet”, remember this: you’re in the bathroom. And a statement is being made. Grin and bear it. (LaFever helpful hint: breathe through the mouth, not the nose.)

#99 - Monthly Statement

The landmark fevism #100 is on deck, so it necessitates living up to the hype. Might as well go low-brow for the one prior. Not to defeat its applicability. All fevisms apply. Some just appear low-brow, due to its very nature, but remember this: fevisms are about pointing out the obvious, even that which is obvious to us all, albeit taboo, that none of us talk about, but agree wholeheartedly.

Statements. We all get them. Most common: the monthly overview of activity. Another: one that people make. As an “announcement”, or an official account of ‘what happened’ at a crime scene. All in all, the goal is to have as many people hear and understand what you are trying to say. So, the next time you’re in the bathroom, and someone is already there, for a #2, and you’re tempted to say, “Hey, flush the goddamn toilet”, remember this: you’re in the bathroom. And a statement is being made. Grin and bear it. (LaFever helpful hint: breathe through the mouth, not the nose.)

#98 - Vengeance Is Mine...(Romans 12:19)

Don’t get mad, get even. We’ve all heard that before. But it’s not enough. When we’ve been slighted, we get mad. Then we want to get even. Through revenge. But it doesn’t end there. If you get even, you’re not really even. Getting even is a payback, but doesn’t make up for you being put out in the first place. This is why revenge is required, to clear the slate. Revenge is the karma that comes into play, coming back 10-fold. And that’s the key. It’s why 10-fold is the standard, because getting even isn’t enough, hence the more recent saying, “don’t get mad, don’t get even, get revenge”.

The only variable, of course, is time. You have to have the patience, and the memory capacity. Mom always use to tell me, “don’t worry, your time will come. It may not be tomorrow, or next week, or next month. But it will come.” Mom was on to something. Instilled a fear she never had to follow up on. But it helps to remember. Everything, sooner or later, comes around full-circle.

#97 - I'll Drink To That

“I drink alone” – George Thorogood. I like this guy. I drink alone, too. Tell people all the time, just to see their reaction. “Well, don’t you think that might be a problem?” Not when you live alone. Hah. And you thought being a "chuggernaut" was bad enough (see fevism #63).

#96 - The Value Of Appreciation

2008. The floor gives out under the financial sub-prime mortgage market, followed by lending institutions, then investment houses. Whoa. More like depreciation, of the highest order. All the more reason to show appreciation for the value of one’s worth as a contribution to the team for which one works. Unfortunately, “appreciation”, or the ability to show it, is innate to one’s character. You either have it an do, or you don’t. You can’t force it. And once a year, at the end of the year, is nothing more than lip service. Cruel, maybe; brutal, yes; true, definitely.

LaFevre retorts...

It's been swell, but the swelling's gone down.

#95 - Excuses, Excuses

“Excuse me” used to be mostly a respectful request to interrupt a conversation with pertinent information to that conversation. Then, add to that, the use of getting someone, or a crowd’s, attention. Now, more than ever, it’s used to get by or around someone who is in the way. LaFevre thinks that is not necessary. After all, if someone is in the way, why do they deserve the courtesy of an “excuse me”.

LaFevre’s favorite targets are those who wear the oversized backpacks, which always seem to take up the space of an extra person, and is just asking for a nudge by LaFevre, to get by or around. I’m still waiting for the “can’t you say excuse me?”, whereby LaFevre says “what for? You’re in the way. Take off the backback.”

#94 - Tough Love

They say treat others they you want them to treat you. Maybe in the old days…LaFevre says: “You can’t treat others and expect them to treat you the way you want to be treated. You have to treat others the way they treat you, and hope they get the point!”

#93 - Frisco Chapter

Slang. Unauthorized use of this term will result in an action against you, but only if you’re from somewhere else. The Chronicle’s famed Herb Caen is credited with its popularization by defaming it’s use. Mostly due to hearing outsiders use it. Conversely, it became synonymous with the local biker gangs, most notably, the SF Hells’ Angels chapter. It had a cool ring to it, albeit underground. Especially recently (2008), when the President of the “Frisco” Hell’s Angels Chapter died in a confrontation with someone from a rival biker gang.

For the record, LaFevre is a native. He uses Frisco all the time. When confronted, he throws down the gauntlet to anyone who challenges its usage. Almost always, it’s someone from somewhere else. And after hearing the term’s history, the challenge is dropped, garnering respect in the process, all at the same time. Better than suffering the Frisco fate. You don’t wanna know.

#92 - Hear No Evil

Of all the disadvantages of deafness, there is one positive - not hearing any of the negative comments, insults, or otherwise, directed at others, including yours truly. Consider yourself lucky. If I had heard it, you’d be in a world of hurt.

#91 - LaFevre On Relationships

On one side, who am I to talk, I’m 46 and still single (for a reason). On the other side, maybe there are issues involved that prevent the settling-down scenario (for the same reason). All depends on the situation at hand. For whatever reason, the union dissolves. In a nutshell, LaFevre has a couple anecdotes to keep in mind, and the subsequent theories on how to handle them.

#1 – when it’s over, it’s over. You know it. Your partner knows it. Prolonging is a waste of time. #2 – If you’re the one breaking up, don’t hang around. Do it, and leave. There will be efforts to reverse your decision, to your detriment. If they’re breaking up with you, accept it. Nothing you can do will change their mind. Concessions will only result in slavery. If you accept it, you deserve it. Finally, never do it when it’s least expected. Unexpected only hurts more, who never sees it coming, and doesn’t understand why, even though they have an idea, but are in denial.

The best time, as cruel as it may sound, is after an argument or fight. Over the phone, by email/text, or simply no contact from that point on, is for losers. More like cowards, actually. “Do what you will, but do what you must” – LaFevre

Tiger Claw says...

Good things come to those who air guitar.

#90 - Payment Overdue

Amazing how the Fevisms come out of nowhere. I just came home from my corner store. The TV at the store was off. “Dude, what happened?” “Forgot to pay the bill.” Well, there you have it. A Fevism for those who need to be told, as if it wasn’t obvious in the first place – no one forgets to pay a bill, they neglect to pay the bill. Customer Service isn’t stupid. Nor is LaFevre. 15 day notice. 48-hour notice. Courtesy calls to your cell phone. If you “forget” to pay a bill, it’s your own damn fault. Nothing insults the intelligence of humanity more than using the “forgot” excuse. The only thing people forget, is other people’s birthdays. And that’s the only thing acceptable, depending on the person, because “who keeps a calendar of birthdays of everyone they know?” Understand? Understood.

#89 - Admin, Inc.

One of LaFevre’s earliest quotes in life: “The administrative sector is the foundation of every corporate structure.” Anyone who has worked their ass off to get where they are, wherever that is, started at the bottom. It may not have been as part of the administrative sector, but a rookie, nonetheless. Unfortunately, many presume this unappreciated field of endeavor to be unimportant; a bottom rung position held by individuals with no goal in life. While that may be true of some, others have a different view. As a career. To be the best.

Why do you think when union service workers in the hotel/restaurant industry go on strike, everyone, and business, suffers. If all the mail clerks, file clerks, receptionists, and secretaries all took off for a day, how would you be able to conduct business? When you go to work tomorrow, let these people know how much you and the firm appreciate the work they do. You’ll instill a sense of pride in them, and may even garner some respect from them. If it wasn’t present already.

#88 - Courier Calves

Wow. Back-to-back additions to the LaFevre Dictionary. And holy cow. What’s up with the pic? I guess no pics were available for the “calf” muscle. After all, other than horses, the cow is on it’s feet, maybe even more so than horses. So the most developed muscle that is engaged when standing and walking, is the CALF. For humans, the extreme end are the waiters/waitresses, mail clerks, and couriers. While waiting on tables are done by individuals who are, for the majority, part-time, and mail clerks, who do have opportunities throughout the day to have a seat, it is the couriers that spend, pretty much, all their time, on their feet, with the calves getting the most workout. Ask yours truly, who’s been on his feet for over 25 years, to see the calves of steel to which I reference here, if you’re so inclined. And not afraid. No fear here.

#87 - Sarcastica Obnoxium

The latest addition to the LaFevre Dictionary of Contemporary Terms. Translated – the sarcastic response to an obnoxious action or comment. But it’s not so simple. An explanation must follow immediately, since the obnoxious consider it a “diss”, especially in the company of others. Of course, tact is most important, as well. Remember this: Sarcasm is the obnoxious response…to the obnoxious. Of course, it helps to be bigger than the obnoxious. An old saying LaFevre came across, and made it’s way into LaFevre’s comedy collection, “That Was Zen, This Is Tao”, is this: “It takes a big man to cry, but an even bigger man, to laugh at that man”.

#86 - Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

More like, reacting tiger, thinking dragon. That’s LaFevre. They say you should think before you act. Well, LaFevre does. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, he doesn’t think before he reacts. But there’s the difference. It’s good to think before you act, but not when you react. See, if you think before you react, it’s too late. Chalk it up to martial arts training. Remember: a reaction is based on someone else’s action, for which you shouldn’t be held accountable. I admit I am a tiger, but I’m trying to more like a dragon (cool Pulp Fiction reference, eh?).

LaFevre retorts...

People like you are the reason people like me need medication.

#85 - OB/Quiet

What is it about OB? There’s OB/GYN, where OB stands for Obstetrician. But what about OB in the term oblong? Does OB secretly mean O-D-D? Oblong is the term for a size, but what size is that? Oblong is a variable size, actually. Oblong is the name given to a size that doesn’t have a name, or sizes that are not uniform or symmetric. But what about obnoxious? LaFevre knows a lot about that one. Obnoxious – more noxious than noxious itself. Of course, toxic and noxious go hand-in-hand. I suppose a new addition to the LaFevre Dictionary of Contemporary Terms is in order. Obtoxious. Another one for the books.

#84 - But It's All...In...The Game

Life in the workplace. The corporate playing field. One of the three major industries where politics, or games, occur on a grand scale. At all levels. The other two are government and military. In a nutshell, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, in whatever field, remember this: whatever happens where you’re at, happens everywhere else. The details and specifics are different, but the situation is the same. If you leave because of it, you’re doomed in the cycle that repeats itself everywhere else. Stay with the big picture. And stay put. You’ll be better off because of it.

There are exceptions, of course. If you’ve been caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, it will be noted. But the sooner you learn the game, and how to recognize patterns, and document yourself, the better off you’ll be. Over time, if you know what you’re doing, and others recognize it, everything will take care of itself. With minimal effort on your part.

#83 - Two-For-One

Everyone knows that old saying, “You’re never alone with a schizophrenic”. Another LaFevre misnomer. Actually, a schizophrenic is never alone. Same goes for a Gemini. A Gemini is also never alone. Very few know the difference. A schizophrenic possesses one personality that is split in two, resulting in conflict and confusion. The Gemini possesses two personalities, resulting in two differing perceptions, but not conflicting or confusing. The difference is in the mindset. The Gemini, having the benefit of two distinct personalities, rather than one, split into two, uses both in conjunction, to arrive at a mutual result, or solution. The benefit is being able to see things from both sides; as opposed to a schizophrenic seeing one side split in two. Don’t ask me what a schizophrenic Gemini sees. My guess is, the same as everyone else. Or nothing at all. They can’t be bothered.

#82 - The Have and Have-Nots

Be happy with what you have, rather than what you’d rather have.

#81 - ...To The Trees

Evidently, there are those who think they are protesting by living in the trees (can you say Bezerkely?). Well, LaFevre has a fevism on this, and different than the one previously listed as Fevism #66, a variation of an ancient riddle. “If a tree falls in the forest, and the tree-sitters fall with it, does the sound they make mean anything to anyone?” Have a nice trip? See you next fall.

Tiger Claw says...

There are two types of people: those who air, and those who can't.

#80 - Drive For Show, Putt For DOH...

Just to show LaFevre knows the jargon, in spite of never playing the game, he has switched Fevism #80 (…TO THE TREES) to #81. “Why?” Because this Fevism is golf-related, and should be classified as Fevism #80. “Uh, again, why?” Because the Bay Area Golf Channel is 80. “Cute, but why should we honor this change?” Because LaFevre doesn’t golf. So for that very reason, he deserves a ‘mulligan’. And since LaFevre doesn’t play, but still knows the term, all the more reason. Without further ado, the #1 reason Tiger Woods is #1: during the off-season and when rehabbing the occasional injury, Tiger brings his own clubs to the miniature golf course. Overheard during one session: “Tiger, aim for the middle of the three holes; it’s the sure-shot hole-in-one.” Tiger: “Nah. I’ve seen it miss before. Fuck the windmill. I have a better chance chip-shotting it right to the hole.” And he did. Hole in one.

After further research, LaFevre discovered Tiger had a record of line-jumping due to impatience with those in front of him lagging behind, scoring over par, obviously. One time, Tiger took a bet on a dare to score a hole-in-one on the 18th hole, from the first tee. He won. Personally, I would have rigged the hole to pop the ball out. After all, this is pee wee golf.

#79 - A Day Like Any Other

Birthday. Another LaFevre-classified misnomer. But there’s probably a good reason for it. While your birthday is the day you were born, all others are birthday anniversaries. Sounds like a redundancy, but it isn’t. The anniversary was relegated to wedding days. You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. Besides, isn’t it funny how special treatment on that special day is incorporated into everyone’s DNA. But, it’s still…just another day? Tonight I’m having cake.

#78...And Then There Were None

Stop signs. Traffic lights. I would love to go back and live for a day…when there were none. Just horses, buggies, and stagecoaches, which are towed by horses. Crossing the street was easy. If you crossed in front of a horse, the horse stopped, even if the horseman was clueless. Groups of horses or horses running full speed, well, you just didn’t cross. Unless you were stupid. Then one day, car was created. Driver became invincible. Enter…the Stop Sign. For the benefit of the pedestrian. Over time, cars multiplied. The result: congestion, due to those Stop Signs. Obviously, pedestrians took advantage. Enter…the traffic light. For the benefit of the driver. Balance of power. Increasing the flow of traffic, and limiting the pedestrian right-of-way.

LaFevre’s California Irony: “In Southern California, car is king, and pedestrians are peasants. In Northern California, the walker rules, while the driver abides.” Another axiom, courtesy of LaFevre: “If there is no traffic, I think it’s safe to say, it’s safe to cross.”

#77 - One Buwitt Weft

Classic Bugs Bunny. “Gun control: Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” Whatever. Chris Rock says, “How do we stop crime? Raise the price of bullets. Each bullet should cost $5000. You’d see a lot less random gunfire.” LaFevre says there are two types of people when it comes to guns: those who use them without pause, and those who are afraid to, but will when backed into a corner. Of course, when a gun is pointed at you, make peace with God on the spot. If you don’t die within the first 5 minutes, there’s still hope.

The Feve was caught in the house with another man’s wife (25 years ago). Not in the act, mind you, but the husband was a gun collector. That’s not a good sign. Collectors rarely use what they collect. I walked out of the house alive, albeit at a distance, with a silver .357 magnum pointed at me the whole time. Thank God he wasn’t crazy. Of course, with the baby crying and the possibility of doing time running through his mind, I knew I would live to tell the story another day.

#76 - R-E-S-P-E-C-T

There are four types of people. Originally, I thought there were two. But as LaFevre ran this Fevism through his mind, it expanded. The Fevism AND the mind. The Fantastic Four: those who respect you and also fear you, those who respect you without fear, those who don’t respect you, but fear you nonetheless, and those who don’t respect or fear you at all. It is the fourth one you have to watch out for. It is this one that will stab you in the back. Watch your back. (Or call Forcefield Security – for protection services.)

Take Me Out To The Ballgame, 1996 - an excerpt from "My Chequered Life" (LaFevre's autobiography)

Rose and shined like any other day. Work was the usual grind. The benefit of working in a mailroom was the presence of a radio. Always has been. One day while listening to the radio, a contest was broadcast. 10th caller would receive 25 tickets to a San Francisco Giants baseball game the next week. I dialed, and dialed, and dialed. “Caller, you’re number 10. Congratulations.”

“Yeeaaooowwww!!” That was a on a Thursday. I heard there was one winner per day. I was blessed. Unfortunately, the game was at 1:05pm. On a Tuesday. During work hours. My boss was sympathetic, to a point. The Branch Manager told me, “Well, you can’t take 25 employees with you. We’ve got a business to run. Tell you what, since you won the tickets during business hours – we’ll donate the 25 tickets to a charity, a boys’ club, in yours, and the company’s name. And I’ll give you my box seats. Six rows behind the first base dugout.” I could live with that. I loved him as our top dog. He loved me for what I did.

Monday. Day before the game. I receive a call from the radio station. “Dan, guess what? We held a drawing from all of last week’s ticket winners. You are the grand prize winner.” Ai carumba. “What did I win?” “You get to throw out the first pitch!” No fucking shit. A native-San Franciscan, throwing out the first pitch at a San Francisco Giants game, at Candlestick Park. Classic. Standing on the mound, in front of thousands of Giants’ fans. Harder than it looks, people. I was used to softball. Underhand. Flat mound. 30 feet from the plate. This was the big leagues. Fast pitch. 60 feet from the mound, a mound 2-feet-high off the ground. I did the stereotypical wind-up. Hit the ground directly in front of the catcher. Thank God the catcher was one of the sideline coaches. Scooped the ball into his glove, sparing me the embarrassment of a wild pitch, sailing past him into the backstop.

#75 - Leave It To Beaver

You don’t suppose the word ‘cleavage’ came from the low-cut dresses Mrs. Cleaver wore? I didn’t think so. Glancing and staring. Glancing is complimentary, staring is rude. But where is the line. 1 to 2 seconds. Anything more is staring, and rude. The Feve glances all the time, but only stares when he looks over his shoulder. All in appreciation. And knowing he won’t get caught. Besides, LaFevre isn’t attached, not that it makes it okay, just less guilty.

#74 - Joker's Wild

‘Wild Cards’ should be banned. There are no ‘wild cards’ in any casino. ‘Wild cards’ are an unfair advantage, dictated by the dealer who lacks the confidence in his skill level, knowing he’ll win over a lower hand, even though that hand is higher ‘naturally’ than the hand with ‘wild cards’, and knowing he has the advantage being the ‘house’. If someone establishes one or more ‘wild cards’, invoke the LaFevre ‘Wild Card Limit’ – only one wild card. More importantly, if two hands come up as identical, the ‘natural’ hand prevails (natural = no wild cards). ‘Wild cards’ are fine during the adolescent stage, but turn childish upon adulthood. “When I was a child, I acted as a child, spanked as a child,and played with childish things. But when I became an adult, I put away those childish things.” Or do as LaFevre does: tell them ‘wild cards’ are for wusses. A cheap and insecure way to control the game. More often than not, embarrassment removes the wild card from the game.

#73 - Credit Where Credit's Due

IRS and the Kingdom of God. Heaven and Hell. A donation to charity and doing something for someone in the name of God, according to LaFevre, will earn you one credit. Conversely, a donation to charity, with the intent to deduct it from taxes, and doing something for someone in the name of God, for the purpose of recognition from God, will earn you a ½ credit. This is because, while you’re intentions are self-serving, you didn’t have to do it in the first place. Not doing anything, for charity, or for God, earns you ‘0’ credits (see Fevism #51). On the other hand, if you do nothing when you could have done something, that’s a minus ½ credit. And, of course, total disregard, disrespect, and inconsiderate actions result in a –1 credit. Check your figures. Adjust accordingly. Both are watching.

#72 - Wash & Wear

LaFevre’s General Rule On Washing Clothes: Everything happens in three’s. And so it goes with washing clothing, generally speaking. We’re talking outerwear here, folks. All underwear can be worn only once. For outerwear, the first use becomes used, the second, dirty, the third, funky. Do not use after funky. There are exceptions, of course. If you work in a job of a physical nature, sweating in the process, whether on the job, or due to high temperatures, or if you simply just sweat like a pig, go directly to funky. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.00. Office professionals are lucky. They wear undershirts under their white shirts. And sit at a desk all day. Needless to say, they only need two white shirts. One to where all the time, and one as a back-up. After all, everyone gets sloppy one time or another. (Special thanks to Sinbad for the dirty/funky reference.)

#71 - Not On My Watch

Watches, are no longer. A thing of the past. Obsolete. Watches are never exactly on time. You constantly wind them, or replace the batteries, when they slow; and you have to keep cells show the correct time. By satellite. You never have to correct the time on your cell. Can’t anyway. So there. Anyone who has a watch, you can bet they also have a cell. Watches are now nothing more than a luxury item to flaunt wealth. Personally, I’m waiting to run into the individual who has a drink in his watch hand so I can ask him the time. Heh, heh.

Tiger Claw says...

In the yellow pages, fingers do the walking; in air guitar, the fingers do the talking.